Weirdly, this was a skeletal outline I planned to flesh out and make even fleshier and sillier, but it stands perfectly fine as a short comic piece as-is. Good on me for leaving it alone! This material was always meant to be a throwaway blog. I firmly believe that now. And you can never change that belief.
What was my motivation for writing it, you may ask? Well, I may answer!
I was seeing a lot of self-published books declaring to reveal the TRUTH about something for the last decade or two and thought I'd throw my hat in the ring and mock this phenomenon. I wasn't mocking the topics or even the folks who held "alternate points of view" on the topics, really. I was mostly mocking the idea that anyone thinks they know anything. William Goldman said it best: "Nobody knows anything." Goldman also said: "Life is pain...Anyone who tells you differently is selling something." Speaking of which: life isn't pain, so BUY MY BOOKS.
*
Title: THE TRUE TRUTH ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING
(cover
photo: me in white lab coat, surgical mask, pointing to white board with “LIES”
and a red circle and line through it.)
At the bottom of the copyright page: "This is all fiction, except for the true parts."
Prologue
I’m
sick of all these people saying that global warming is good.
Global
warming is NOT good.
There
are polar bears dying. There are polar ice caps melting. There are natural
disasters.
You
mean to tell me these things are GOOD?
I
think not.
Now
that we have that out of the way, prepare for me to also disprove the existence
of global warming. Yes, global warming is bad, I think all of us reasonable
people can agree on that.
But
now it’s time for you to learn the truth. The truth about the fact the globe
isn’t warming at all.
In
fact, the truth is something else altogether.
The
truth is: nothing you’ve been told is true.
Hold
on to your rectums.
Here
come the truth bombs, exploding all up in your face with information.
Chapter
1: Things Are Heating Up
I
have some questions for you.
1
Are you ready for the TRUTH?
2
Can you HANDLE the truth?
3
Would you even RECOGNIZE the truth if you SAW it?
If
your answers are 1) yes, 2) yes, and 3) yes, then you are ready for this book.
It’s
time for you to wake up, and I’m gonna be your alarm clock.
It’s
time for us to take global warming seriously. This is not a joking matter.
Al
Gore showed us what’s happening to the polar bears and how the heat on the
planet is going up exponentially.
They
say if you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen. Well, we don’t have the
option of getting out of the kitchen. Because the “kitchen” in this story...is
Earth. If you think about it.
Yeah, that’s how I used to think.
But
now I know the REAL truth.
And
this time I’m REALLY gonna wake you SHEEPLE up...
Chapter
2: The Science of Global Warming
In
the beginning, the Earth was really really hot.
It
was so hot, humans couldn’t live on it.
But
then it got less hot, and humans lived on it.
And
eventually it got too cold.
This
was called the "Ice Age." Because it was an "age" where there was lots of "ice" everywhere. They made some cartoon movies about this time and haha,
sorry to “burst your bubble,” but there weren’t really talking animals during
the Ice Age. That’s just Hollywood magic.
But
the Ice Age didn’t last forever.
Eventually
it got less cold and it the temperature got just right. Some scientists refer
to our current climate as “Goldilocks porridge” temperature. They do that
because our current temperature is “just right” for humans. (Scientists aren’t all
serious, they can have some fun sometimes.)
But
the world is still getting hotter. It may be “Goldilocks porridge” out there
right now, but soon it will be like the bowl of porridge Goldilocks decided not
to eat because it was “too hot.”
Yeah,
that’s what THEY would have you believe.
But
I know the TRUTH.
And
if you’re READY for the truth, then buckle up, because this is gonna be a
dangerous ride.
A ride into the TRUTH highway...
A ride into the TRUTH highway...
Chapter
3: Enough With the Lies
No
more lies.
People
and scientists have been telling lies for too long and I’m here to expose them.
You
may think you know what you’re talking about, but you probably have no idea
what you’re talking about.
I’m
gonna debunk the so-called “science” of so-called “global warming” claim by
claim.
Sorry
if this hurts your feelings, but this has to be said.
Here’s
what’s up:
1
The Earth was really hot in the beginning
2
Humans were alive before the Ice Age
3
The Earth got too cold and had an Ice Age
4
The temperature is “just right” for humans now
5
The world is getting hotter
6
The world is going to get “too hot”
Busted.
Take that, so-called “scientists.” You have been debunked, point by point.
Chapter
4: Why are Scientists Lying, Lying, Pants on Firing?
They
can say whatever they want, but I have the facts on my side and I’m not gonna
let science brainwash me with its lies.
I
did the reading. I did the research. I know what I’m talking about.
I
didn’t want to tell you this, but you should know that I know a guy who works
at a science facility and he said that scientists are deliberately lying about
global warming because they want money to do their science with.
See?
It’s all a scam.
Global warming is a money-making scam for greedy scientists who want to do science, no matter how many lies they have to tell in the process.
Global warming is a money-making scam for greedy scientists who want to do science, no matter how many lies they have to tell in the process.
Chapter
5: The “Theory” of Global Warming
You
know how scientists say “We have a theory”?
Did
you ever think about that?
Why
do they say “We have a theory” and not “We have a truth”?
Well,
I’ll tell you why- it’s because they’re just making stuff up. They call their science-y results “theories” because they’re just “theorizing.”
How messed up is that?
How messed up is that?
If
you wanted to just “theorize” on things, you can say anything you want about
anything.
Heck,
I have a theory about Mardi Gras beads and price-gouging in the Siberian
wilderness. I would tell you about it, but I won’t.
Because
it’s just a THEORY. I’m not gonna be a liar, liar, pants on fire. Because I
have the humility to understand when I know what’s true and when I’m just
guessing.
Though
I am 99% certain that those Siberian merchants are conspiring with the guy who
works at the train station in New Orleans to trick people into buying Mardi
Gras beads. It’s obviously true.
But
I don’t SAY it’s true. I just present the facts to you and let you draw your
own conclusion.
Science
is fascist and tries to tell you that just because it has a theory, it demands
that you accept it.
I
refuse! Because I understand the difference between a theory and a truth.
Chapter
6: The Origins of the Global Warming Scam
Did
you ever notice how no one talked about global warming in the 1950’s?
That’s
because the 50’s were before the lie about global warming was invented.
I
researched the facts behind this lie and discovered Patient Zero for the spread
of this plague of lies about global warming.
According
to an issue of the Boston Globe that I accessed via microfilm like a classic
old-timey reporter, global warming was invented in 1963.
I
should mention that I was scrolling through the microfilm really dramatically
as I came up on that article. Looking at microfilm was really cool, like
something out of an old movie where they looked at microfilm.
I
have to ask you a question before we continue:
Why
is the year 1963 significant?
I
will wait as you think about it.
Did
you really think about it or did you just skip down to this sentence without
thinking?
Stop
that. Stop skipping to the next sentence. I’m putting extra blank lines here to
give you an opportunity to think. Go ahead and think.
What’s
that? You forgot the question? Oh, sorry. The question was: Why is the year
1963 significant?
Okay.
Have
you thought about it?
Good.
I trust that you did the right thing. If not- shame on you. Shame.
I trust that you did the right thing. If not- shame on you. Shame.
Well,
you probably guessed the answer. The year 1963 was important because that was
the year the following happened:
-A
TV channel named WTEV (later changed to WLNE) went on the air in Providence, RI
on January 1, setting the stage for the events that followed.
-Boston
was defeated by San Diego in the AFL championship game on January 5.
-The
nuclear submarine USS Thresher sunk to the bottom of the ocean a few miles from
Boston on April 10.
-Belgian
citizen Aurele Vandendriessche won the 67th Boston Marathon on April 19.
-The
Boston Celtics beat the Lakers in the 17th NBA Championship on April 24.
See
what’s going on here?
Do
I have to spell it out for you?
I’m
gonna give you another minute to process the facts as we go to the next
chapter.
Chapter
7: Waking You Up from “The Matrix” of Lies About Global Warming
Alright,
you’ve had a chapter break to think about this.
Do
you see the connection between these historical events in 1963?
If
you guessed “global warming,” you guessed RIGHT.
Here’s
how it all went down:
TV
stations started to become business, they needed big stories, so they made up global warming.CHECK. MATE.
The End
-B.P. Kasik/Phony McFakename
