My
third and final volume in the
Eric Roberts trilogy is now complete and available. The truth* has finally been told!
Oh, and I don't think I mentioned this anywhere online, but I also published
Blog Cash-In 2 and the final entry in my PDEMF! trilogy,
Please Don't Eat My Face 3!: Florida Strong. There, they've been announced. That's the extent of my interest in marketing these days.
Moving on, here are some bits of truth from
Eric Roberts 3: Lord of the Screen that got trimmed at the outline stage. All of the below things actually happened, they just didn't quite fit in the book's narrative. Enjoy!
2008:
Witless Protection
Eric
Roberts witnesses a convenience store robbery and the cops overreact to this minor crime and put Roberts in witness
protection. Roberts
knows he could do better than these coppers, since he'd done undercover and contract work for law enforcement before. So he decides to formally join the police.
It was also to study up for a movie part,
but they didn’t need to know that. The police
were too giddy with excitement to have him around to care about the reason he
was there.
He
discovers they’re terrible at keeping secrets and gets an inside look at the
workings of L.A. politics and politicians, political-thriller-shenanigans ensue...
2008: Law & Order: Criminal Intent
Roberts
is deposed as a witness in a convenience store robbery. Chaos
ensues as a rogue hypnotist hypnotizes everyone in the courtroom. “I have criminal intent!” he
screamed.
2008:
The Dark Knight
A
guy attacks the police station wearing black knight armor. Roberts
defeats him, chases him down, catches him by the La Brea tar pits.
It’s
revealed that the dark knight is really the mailman. He attacked the police
station to lure Roberts out. He wasn’t killed in the first book, after all. He screams at
Roberts, cursing him for ruining his career by inventing email.
Roberts
apologizes and they become friends.
2008:
Dark Honeymoon
Roberts
decides he hasn’t been spending enough time with his wife (that attempted
romantic weekend at the cabin kinda backfired what with all the death and destruction, so he never had a proper honeymoon),
so they go to Hawaii. He’s surprised by the dark-armored knight leaping out.
“Now I shall have vengeance!” He attacks and they sword-fight and ruin several
people’s honeymoons and volcanoes are involved, mucho mayhem.
2010:
First Dog
There
is a rumor that Roberts appeared on Celebrity Rehab for allegedly using drugs
again.
You
can take a wild guess as to whether or not this is true.
(It’s
not.)
The
truth is, he sent his cyborg to appear on that show so he could accept a
top-secret mission from the President. He was called in by the Prez to train
the Prez’s dog.
“I’ve
never done that, man!”
“You
can do anything. You’re Eric Roberts!”
“True.”
2011:
Chillerama
Roberts
visits a graveyard of refrigerators. You can guess what happened next.
2012:
Bullet in the Face
(Original version:) Roberts
still fumes every now and then about not being able to stop 9/11. But he wanted
to do what he could. So he stormed into Pakistan and shot Osama bin Laden in
the face. He
called the president and told him where the body could be found and told him he
could take credit for it. Then he walked into the sunset. This had been a good
day. A bullet in the bad guy’s face, a smile on Roberts' face.
2012:
Stealing Las Vegas
For
all his great deeds, he still didn’t have mad bank. So he decided to pull a
casino heist.
His
wife leaves him in response. “Casino heistery? I don’t even know you anymore, Eric Roberts!”
Roberts goes forward with the greatest heist of all time, which I can neither confirm or deny he actually did himself. (He did.)
2012:
The Dead Want Women
Roberts
is lonely. He reads a book on mad science and brings some classic Hollywood
actors back from the dead to compare notes on acting with them. The zombies
want women.
“I
do too, guys! But what I really want is my wife back.”
“What
happened?”
“I
pulled a casino heist.”
“Oh,
she didn’t want you to live a life of crime?”
“Nah,
she resented me for not bringing her in on it.”
They sympathize and have dudebro adventures.
2012: Christmas in Compton
(Original version:) Roberts
rides around in a Google driverless car. Word
hit the street that Roberts was the real killer of bin Laden. His gangbanger
neighbors back in L.A. think he's cool, so they invite him over for
Christmas. It's nice. They make him a nice vegan meal out of respect for his
dietary preferences and toast with some nice non-alcoholic sparkling cider.
2013:
High Heels, Low Standards
He
tries wearing high heels to get into character and understand his female
co-workers.
His
standards for male footwear go way down afterward. “Anything’s better than
heels!” he said.
He
then goes out for a mission and discovers a secret underground lab.
Scientist
tells him Roberts’ blood is the cure to cancer.
Since
his blood was the strongest in the world and the blood-curse against using his
gift of flight had cancerous qualities, once it was purged of those qualities,
it became the anti-cancer. (Convoluted explanation with gratuitous jargon.)
“Not
bad.”
While
fiddling around, Eric Roberts invents Dolly the sheep, the first cloned animal,
and clones the first human stem cells.
And
thus, Eric Roberts cures cancer.
Revelation Road 2: The Sea of Glass and Fire
(Original version:) Roberts
takes a family road trip and it goes horribly wrong. Highway turns into glass
and catches fire in the 2013 16,000 acre wildfire burn in Colorado. His wife Jana
rescues everyone.
2013:
Wrong Cops
Roberts
dials the police when someone robbed his house. The wrong cops show up.
2013:
Assault on Wall Street
Roberts
gets angry at investors after he noticed all his savings were destroyed in the
2008 crash. He knows the real cause was his decision not to act in movies, but
still...those bankers on Wall Street bore some of the blame, too. So he
rampages. The script for this movie was actually based on his deeds. It's practically a documentary.
2013:
Paranormal Movie
Roberts
has a ghost in his house. He tries to record it and finds the ghost doing
stand-up comedy and making fun of The Dead Want Women. He calls the
Ghostbusters. They’re busy. So he busts the ghosts himself. He tries to start his own paranormal elimination service but gets sued. Legal drama spoofery ensues.
2013:
The Devil's Dozen
Roberts
meets the Devil in a grocery store. They have an act-off. The devil loses and angrily storms off
with a dozen eggs.
2013:
The Hot Flashes
The
devil wasn’t gonna go down like a punk, though. He starts infecting Roberts
with the heat of Hell’s flames. Reveals he was the one who burned down Roberts’
house all those years ago.
2014:
Camp Dread
Getting
sick of the big-city drama, Roberts heads out to the country. But he’s scared
of life in the country. He dreads it, after getting attacked by the hillbilly
rednecks. He works to overcome his dread of camping.
2014:
It's Not a Date
Roberts
reconnects with his estranged wife. They get together. But it’s not a date.
Roberts is sad, walks home alone.
2014:
Halloween Hell
On
Halloween eve, the devil takes another shot at Roberts. Roberts takes him down
like Bugs Bunny, the devil has Acme devices that he uses to attack but they all backfire. Extended cartoony chase/back-and-forth.
2014:
Janie Charismanic
Roberts
starts dating a manic pixie dream girl named Janie. It's all very literary fiction-y, with the older male learning lessons about himself and coming to understand how shallow the youth of America are. Bla bla bla.
2014:
Scenes from Powned
Annoying
kids try to prank Roberts while he fights for justice. Hidden camera hijinx in
classroom. Buncha nonsense.
Alternate
2015: Cowboys vs Dinosaurs
Roberts
gets thrown back in time and discovers that dinosaurs walked the Earth during
Wild West times. As he suspected.
2015:
Devil Dogs
Someone
asks Roberts why he’s acting in so many movies. He says he’s accumulating a
small fortune to put his plan into effect.
It’s
a secret (but we all know what it was, as we all know what Roberts finally
managed in 2016).
Having
been defeated over and over, the devil sends his dog after him, but Roberts is
a master dog trainer, so was able to easily divert and stop the dogs’ attack.
He then travels back to the present.
2015: Zombie Dream
(Original version:) Roberts’
old Hollywood zombies wake up from hibernation and tell him all about their
random dreams.
“Pretty
boring stuff, guys.”
“Dreams
usually are.”
“It’s
actions that count, not dreams.”
Showdown
on an empty movie set for an alien movie.
Aliens
raise zombies from the dead, Roberts recognizes this as the plot for Plan 9 as
well as the original pitch for Walking Dead.
Defeats
them.
“If
you zombies thought you could beat me, you must have been dreaming!”
2015: L.A. Slasher
(Original version:) A
few dozen people get murdered in L.A. Roberts takes his P.I. test and becomes a
private investigator/lawyer/cop. So obviously, Roberts is on the case. He solves the murder and
stops the killer. Roberts
has a subway showdown with him. Then he randomly meets a dude who discount-prices things at a factory
outlet. He’s known as “The L.A. Slasher.”
2015:
Sicilian Vampire
The
mafia reveals that they’re all secretly vampires. Roberts agrees to keep their
secret as long as they don’t prey on humans and also reveals that he has
vampire blood in a vial that he will drink in order to turn himself into a
vampire in case his life is ever threatened by them.
2015:
Sorority Slaughterhouse
The
L.A. Slasher (the killer, not the discount seller) escapes prison and attacks a
sorority. Roberts: “There are sororities in L.A.? I could understand Greek life in a
small town where there’s nothing else to do, but here!?” Roberts saves the
sorority, then lectures them on the frivolity of Greek life.
The
mailman finds him.
“Time
to stop screwing around and start fighting the gatekeepers of infinity!”
Roberts stops screwing around.
2015:
The Human Centipede III (Final Sequence)
(Original version:) While doing Slamurai meditation to prepare for the fight, Roberts'
21 year old daughter interrupts and mentions Human Centipede, explains the concept.
“Man,
what’s wrong with people?” He gets offered a role in the third one. He says “There was a
SECOND?”
He
says no.
“Do
it dad, do it!”
He
had been teaching Eric Roberts Jr. how to invent legendary inventions and do robotics wizardry.
So after he leaves to fight, ER Jr. programs Roberts' cyborg clone to act in Human
Centipede 3 instead.
He was awfully proud of that prank.
Roberts Sr. took it in good humor and never revealed it wasn’t actually him in Human
Centipede 3.
(This was deleted
from the 2015 gatekeeper showdown scene after I changed the ending:)
The
gatekeeper smiled. “And in this dimension, I am imbued with your powers, as I
have accessed and drained them directly from your alternate reality
counterpart.”
“Oh
yeah?”
“Yeah.
Fast as you are, Mr. Roberts, in this world, I am faster.”
“Is
that right?”
“It
is right.”
Roberts
pulled out the device from his pocket.
“Let’s
risk all space and time!”
He
pushed the button.
Time
froze.
Roberts
didn’t know if he’d just destroyed all spacetime. But he’d certainly put it all
on pause.
Destroys
glass wall so his twin is freed and pulls him out and shut the door before the
gas started to pour down.
(I deleted this because resolving the final conflict with a time-stopping device was hacky. I needed to go weirder. And I did!)
2016: Maximum Impact
(Original version:) Someone
comes up to Roberts at a bar and starts trash-talking Phat Girlz. Roberts
punches him in the face with the hardest hit a human has ever been hit with. A
tavern dweller gasps and says, “That was maximum impact!”
Roberts:
“You got it. You mess with the bull, you get slugged in the face.”
Roberts
walks away, then turned back.
“And
by ‘bull,’ I mean ME, Eric Roberts.”
2016:
Oiled Up
Roberts
hit that guy pretty hard, but thinks he could still hit harder. So he tries
weightlifting. Everyone in the place scrambles to be the one to oil up his
perfectly chiseled figure. “Please, there’s plenty of me to go around!” Oiling ensues.
2016:
Eyes of the Roshi
Roberts
is floored to realize that the Pope’s prediction from 1984 came true. He
really was in 40 movies in 2015. And that doesn’t even include his
TV shows.
Roberts
decides to study Buddhism again, . His highly venerated senior teacher in
Buddhism--a roshi--develops vision problems. Roberts takes him to the
optometrist.
2016:
The Last Wizard
President
Roberts bumming around in the parallel dimension where he never existed.
He
misses Jana, but he just can’t handle being back in his home world where his
beloved fellow celebrities keep dying. He needs a break. He DESERVES a break.
He
visits every now and then. Since he acted that one time, in Relentless
Justice, when he got his powers back, they’ve been clamoring for him to take
political office in the parallel dimension.
He proves to be the best president ever.
None
of them believe him when he tells them who the president is in the other
reality.
The
mailman tells him it’s time to come home.
(This
was deleted when I realized - SPOILER - the original Roberts from this parallel
world was freed and could be sent back there to take his rightful place.)
2017:
Lux in Tenebris
Roberts reads first two Phony McFakename books about him and tracks down the author to talk to him.
“Eric
Roberts! You’re amazing!” says Phony.
“I
know.”
“I’ve
been watching your last few movies! Las Vegas Vietnam: The Movie, The Terror of
Hallow’s Eve, Fatties: Take Down the House, The Demonic Dead, Fake News, Get
Naked!--"
“I
know my movies, they’re all awesome. I came to talk about the book. About the books.”
“Oh.
Come on in.”
They discuss what it all means.
Phony
asks if he wants to negotiate for the rights.
“For
the rights…to my own life story?”
“Uh…to the books, yeah.”
“Yeah,
I don’t think so, pal.”
Deleted from
2018: Something
Maybe this isn't the best story. But
that’s how it goes with the truth. It’s
not always a good story.
You
want a good story, try the “Fiction” section, bub!
But
if you insist, let me wrap up all the threads you’re probably wondering about: Yes,
Trump’s meeting with Kim Jong-un was arranged by Eric Roberts.
(And this last one's a MAJOR spoiler. It happened early in the book, then I forgot I wrote it and did something very much like it later in the book. So I deleted it and completely rewrote this section. This book was a mess. It took two heavy rewrites to get it to make any sense and then another couple heavy rewrites to make it good.)
Roberts is told by the Infinite to leave this world where he never existed.
“First things first, I ain’t leaving
this world right away, not in the shape it’s in.”
The
Infinite looked around. “I’m sorry to say, but this reality is in shambles. How
do you plan to fix it?”
“By
acting.”
The
Infinite smiled. “Brilliant.”
So
Eric Roberts flew down to the nearest movie studio, walking into the office of
a depressed Universal Studios executive. The executive brightened up at the
sight of Roberts and immediately hired him to star in a movie based on Roberts’
smile alone.
The
film in question, Eric Roberts: The Movie, was shot and released within a
month.
It
was the highest-grossing film in that dimension’s history.
Smog
and pollution disappeared.
Humanity’s
morale went through the roof.
Roberts
flew from city to city, taking a victory tour of joy as everyone cheered for
him, crying:
“Hail to the mightiest, most charismatic actor in all the world!”
“Greatly
to be praised!”
“Eric
Roberts, you are the best!”
Roberts
smiled, soaring up above the stratosphere. He looked down on the world. And saw
that it was good.
Finally.
He
smiled. “Alright, Infinite. Let’s do this. I’m ready to leave now.”
And
Roberts gave up his flying ability of his own free will so he could return to
our world and protect and grace us with his presence and performances.
Editor:
I’m crying AGAIN!
Author:
I know. It’s beautiful.
*
If you thought these deleted scenes are bad, the actual book is even BETTER! (Because I cut this too-crazy stuff out and left the just-crazy-enough stuff in.)
-
B.P. Kasik/Phony McFakename
