The second Sharknado remains my favorite. This fourth one's flaw is that it just throws too much nonsense at ya. There's a Sharknado early-warning-and-prevention system. A chainsaw-sword. The Sharknados now go on land and become dust-storms or hit a nuclear power plant and become "Nuke-nados." And there's a robot and a cyborg and a quadruple-shark-swallowing. The storm goes nationwide and hits every American city and destroys every national landmark. You get David Hasselhoff AND Gary Busey. But it all just happens and there's no resonance or even humorous execution to it. It's just there. It took effort to make so much cool and fun stuff boring, but they pulled it off. So bad it's bad.
Star Trek Beyond
I like me some J.J. Abrams, but I'm glad he's gone from this saga, as his plot fu was getting mighty convoluted. Nice to finally see a straight-forward story with a MacGuffin and a clear, interesting villain. Best Trek film since First Contact.
Sucker Punch
Feels like a movie from another dimension. This is Zach Snyder with carte blanche. If that last sentence excites you, you'll like it. If it gives you pause, give it a pass. Some really remarkable scenes, either way. Very cold and harsh. But triumphant and relentlessly vivid and go-for-broke imaginative. It's either the best feminist film ever or the death of feminism. Maybe both.
The Pacifier
I dig Vin Diesel's absurd one-note performance in the Fast and/or Furious movies. But I haven't really studied his other work. This decade-old comedy shows he can actually handle humor. I laughed out loud several times at this Kindergarten Cop-ish mess. Not a good film, but harmless fun.
Ghostbusters: Answer the Call
I didn't even realize the subtitle for this film was "Answer the Call" until the credits rolled. It sounds like a generic call-to-action phrase, but it's actually something they keep saying to their incompetent secretary as a running gag in the film. And it's a good gag. And the movie itself is fine. A functional silly contemporary comedy. It's a remake of my favorite film of all time, so if anyone was liable to be harsh on it, it's me. And I'm fine with it. Laughed a few times. The kids in the theater where I saw it were all cheering and loving it. So it serves its purpose.
Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser
You may not believe this, but...it's not very good.
Hitchcock/Truffaut
A documentary about a book about a filmmaker by a filmmaker. And it's a delight. A wonderful exploration of Hitchcock and his work. Brought back fond memories of my college film buff days where I saw every film by Hitchcock, Truffaut, Kurosawa, Renoir, Godard, Welles, you name 'em. I review an awful lot of junk on here, but please rest assured: I'm deeply versed in cinema and it's nice to be reminded of its power. Oh, and speaking of junk...
Independence Day: Resurgence
WHERE'S RANDY QUAID???
The Witch
Yikes. Super-creepy ending and some psychologically devastating stuff in this historical witchery yarn.
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
My three favorite things, all in one movie! But for super-realsies: they did a surprisingly good job with this.
Zoolander 2
It's okay. Some irresistibly funny and deliriously stupid moments.
Remember
Cool film about an elderly man who decides to hunt down the Nazis that tormented him in the concentration camp he survived as a child. I guessed the twist ending in the first five minutes, but most people don't. So you should be okay, since statistically speaking- you're most people.
The Purge: Election Day
Solid. The first one was a reasonable siege movie with an underutilized premise. The second one- Anarchy- finally delivered on the premise. This third film continues to kick things up a notch with some solid political/ religious commentary along the way. The script is a bit weak, with too many scenes ending on silence or a questionable line. So I'm guessing it was rushed. But still- a perfectly functional action film.
Defending Your Life
This was a childhood favorite. Albert Brooks dies and goes to Judgment City, a perfectly pleasant place where he's essentially put on trial and has to look at scenes from his life and get his defendin' on. It's a bit slow by modern standards, but still a delightful comedy and drama. Meryl Streep is a gem as the manic pixie dream girl.
Deathgasm
Overrated. Some cool practical FX and a funny moment or two, but Todd and the Book of Pure Evil and Metalocalypse handled this metal/gore/craziness stuff much better.
Predestination
Near-flawless, mind-bending, gender-bending, reality-bending thriller. Comes together perfectly and really, saying anything about it would spoil it.
Captain America: Civil War
A better Avengers movie than most Avengers movies. Great use of Spider-Man. Film Crit Hulk can over-analyze it all he wants, it's still fun.
Hannibal Rising
The film implodes when young Hannibal affixes a mask to his face. It's intended to foreshadow the mask that famously gets strapped on Hannibal's face in Silence of the Lambs. But it makes no sense- the mask they strapped on Hannibal's face wasn't his choice. Plus, in the Silence of the Lambs book- it was a hockey mask!
13 Hours
Benghazi bonanza! Jim Halpert from The Office fights alongside the warehouse guy who also dated Pam on The Office. Also the redhead guy from The Unit.
They Look Like People
Yeah, they do. Another thriller that's hard to describe without spoiling it, but it's about the power of friendship and support and belief and madness and evil.
I Love You, Man
Delightful, hilarious, ribald bromance about a guy looking for a friend to be his best man at his wedding. Everyone's in this movie, too. Name a comic actor, they're in here. Unless they're not.
Where to Invade Next
Michael Moore travels to various European countries looking for new concepts that would be helpful for our American society. That was nice of him.
Tiny: A Story About Living Small
Cool documentary about living in micro-houses. Beats paying a mortgage.
Vacancy
Surprisingly suspenseful thriller about a couple in a sketch motel room. They get hunted by motel owners that want to cast them in a snuff film. I can't blame them for resisting because I wouldn't want to be in a snuff film, either.
Bridge of Spies
I'm pretty sure Spielberg made a great film here, but it looks pretty mundane. Maybe it's effortless brilliance?
Regression
Pretty tough to sit through. It's a story about that false-memory ritualized Satanic sex abuse epidemic from the 80's. If you're not aware of this phenomenon, Google it. Don't watch this.
Annabelle
Mediocre semi-sequel to The Conjuring. A few cheap jump scares and it's over.
The Rundown
The Rock runs through the jungle. Surprisingly well-made and hard-hitting. Credit director Peter Berg for that.
Hush (2016)
Deaf woman is hunted at night in a house in the woods. Not much to it. I don't get why the killer was stalking her. He seems intelligent, but his target seems random. A bit of suspense here and there, admittedly.
Ted 2
Laughed uncontrollably almost the whole time. No apologies.
The Walk
Robin from Dark Knight Rises (spoiler!) walks a tightrope between the good ol' World Trade Center buildings.
The Yes Man
Jim Carrey says yes to everything. Mild hilarity ensues.
16 Blocks
A grizzled Bruce Willis tries to keep Mos Def safe. Most def.
Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice (Ultimate Edition)
Didn't like the theatrical version. Too grim, catastrophic, and senseless. Adding 30 minutes to the experience didn't sound appealing. But those 30 minutes actually add context, characterization, and even gives Lois Lane a purpose. Plus, seeing it a second time makes it easier to accept its severity and the fact that it's burning through about six movies' worth of material. Sure, there's still a baker's dozen plot and logic holes. But all in all, this extended cut turns is far less reckless and more interesting. It makes an unwatchable film perfectly watchable. Also- BATFLECK FOREVER!!!
The Forsaken
Fun late 90's horror. Cheesy FX, hammy dialogue, and a surprisingly original take on vampires.
Holidays
Surprisingly cool horror anthology. Hit-or-miss, absolutely, but lots of hits.
All Things Must Pass: The Rise and Fall of Tower Records
Sad but thoughtful and elegant documentary about Tower Records. Title of movie tells all. Directed by Tom Hanks' kid, who was also awesome as the lead actor on the show The Good Guys.
The Fundamentals of Caring
Paul Rudd does a solid job as the sad care-giver who grows and learns from his care-receiver.
Black Cadillac
Solid low-budget thriller with three boys getting chased in a snowstorm by the title vehicle. Randy Quaid's pretty creepy in here. Nice to see him, especially since HE WAS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN IN THE INDEPENDENCE DAY SEQUEL!!! Sorry about that outburst. I'm still pretty upset about this whole thing. I'll be fine by my next review.
Volcano
Okay, I'm fine again. Anyhoo, this stars Tommy Lee Jones. And there's a dude who gets half his face burned off by a heat-blast in the opening sequence. So I wondered if that was a clever homage to Tommy Lee Jones' performance as Two-Face in Batman Forever. And I further wondered if Jones was in on the joke. Or if it was a prank and he didn't get it. I must know. Find out for me, please.
Ghosts of Mars
Another film that holds up way better on a revisit. Originally intended as the third Escape from New York film- Escape from Mars- but that was canceled after Escape from L.A. bombed. They retooled into this perfectly fine supernatural/siege/war film.
Phil Spector
Pacino kills it as the grim Spector of death.
The Invitation
Smooth claustrophobic horror film with constant twists.
The Death of Superman Lives: What Happened?
A forensic analysis of Tim Burton's never-filmed 1999 Superman Lives. Makes great use of production art, costume tests, behind-the-scenes footage, and interviews with everyone involved along the way. Funny and fascinating to realize what could have been.
The Gambler
Marky Mark does okay. Some good lines here and there. There's a gambler in this film, so can't say there's false advertising.
Snake Eyes
Didn't care much for it when I saw it in the theater. On a revisit, it's above average. A bit sluggish and random here and there, but well-constructed suspense and decent characters.
MST3K: Santa Claus
MST3K is always good.
Stoker
Eerie stuff about a guy who stokes.
Speed Racer
This is the film by the Wachowski Brothers (though they're not brothers anymore- just "the Wachowskis" now?) that nobody talks about. I understand why. It's kind of a departure. A PG-rated candy-colored non-stop stylized CGI-fest. The tone is all over the place. And most of the cast is unfamiliar. Also I never followed the Speed Racer cartoon so I have no idea how much of it made sense by the show's standards. Did I mention its wafer-thin plot stretches out to 135 minutes?
Eden Lake
Hard-hitting thriller about a hapless British couple on holiday that ends up getting hunted by local hooligan kids. To its credit, the lead male (Michael Fassbender, in a pre-fame role) is taken out of commission and it's about a strong female fighting to stay alive and defend her husband. The man gets put in the fridge for a change, how about that?
Hush (2008)
Another hard-hitting British thriller about a couple being stalked. This time the women gets put in the fridge like she always does and it's up to our wimpy and annoying male lead to grow a pair and save her. It's okay.
David Cross: Making America Great Again!
It's not that he's offensive- he is, and spectacularly so- it's that he just comes off as 200% miserable and 300% condescending towards everyone and everything during every second of every performance. A few laughs here and there, but his misanthropic act is wearing thin.
Black Roses
Another 80's heavy metal cinematic gem from the guy who made Rock n Roll Nightmare. This one is just as "good" as that one.
Wrath of the Titans
A mediocre sequel to a mediocre remake. "Release the Kraken" remains the only memorable thing about either film. And even that was just lifted from the 1981 original.
Sinister 2
The first Sinister left a burn on me that lasted weeks. Unbearably creepy. So I only partially paid attention to this one to avoid re-traumatizing myself. Some super-ooky images that I won't soon forget, but just doesn't have the original's kick. That one was a nightmare with no way out. This one is just about a kid getting seduced by evil and the only stakes are whether he'll succumb. He's not very interesting, so it's hard to care. Everyone's pretty miserable the whole time. Not much to it. See the first one instead.
Standoff
Simple, straightforward thriller about a hitman on the ground floor of a rural house trying to convince the guy on the second floor to sacrifice an innocent kid who wandered into his house. Tense, man.
The Mark
The main photo for this film is a barcode tattoo on a wrist with the "666" mark on it. There's an exploding plane, too. But in the actual film: there are no barcodes, tattoos, or "666"s. It's about a guy who gets an implant in his arm and has to transport it home on a plane. No explosion on the plane, btw. Mild turbulence, at best. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
Rattle the Cage
Unpredictable one-room thriller about a dude in jail and a crazy cop. Would work better as a play, but still interesting.
We Are Still Here
Yeah, you are! Crazy-creepy movie about these insanely creepy things that are just crazy-creepy. Mucho spooky imagery.
We Are Twisted F***ing Sister
Yeah, you are! Cool story of the making of the band behind that one song you know, "We're Not Gonna Take It."
Patton Oswalt: Talking for Clapping
Devastatingly funny stand-up special, more profound for coming out the week his wife abruptly and unexpectedly died.
Spectre
Cool opening sequence at the Day of the Dead, but pretty slow otherwise. Not bad, but not great.
Bad Influence
Accurately titled! Fun to see Rob Lowe play a despicable bad guy instead of a lovable funny moralistic lawyer for a change.
I Am Thor
Totally compelling documentary about the guy who fought the rubber Satan puppet and his rubber starfish in Rock and Roll Nightmare. Had no idea there was so much to the guy.
Sphere
It has a sphere! Pretty decent adaptation of Michael Crichton's book that he wrote right before Jurassic Park. Unfolds and plays out well. Sam Jackson is always fun.
Brothers Grimsby
New "comedy" from the Borat guy is about a soccer hooligan reuniting with his secret spy brother. It's more of a horror movie as it mostly exists to push the envelope off the table and be as obscene as cinematically possible. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing- see the Jackass movies- but for one problem: it's just not funny.
Moneyball
I read the Michael Lewis book and was surprised to find I liked the movie better. But I don't really care about baseball, so there you go. Well-told tale of the rise of statistics in baseball recruiting.
Village of the Damned (1995)
Not a bad remake, but a letdown by John Carpenter standards, because he doesn't leapfrog and blow away the original like he did with his The Thing remake.
Pixels
Have you ever heard anything good about this? Anyone? Anything? Okay, fine. I'll try. The movie's basic idea is fine. That's the best I can do.
Kuffs
The most interesting thing about this is the explanation of San Francisco's weird police system. Check it out on Wikipedia. Weird, right? Anyhoo, Christian Slater is very Christian Slater-y in this proto-Deadpool fourth-wall breaking cop drama.
Escape Plan
Stallone and Schwarzenegger pull a high-tech prison break! And the main guy from Person of Interest is the warden! It's okay.
Steve Jobs: The Man in the Machine
So I guess he was kind of a jerk?
Crimson Peak
Guillermo Del Toro tells a pretty straightforward haunted house tale. It's a GIANT haunted house, but that's really all it is. Some jarringly violent moments keep it from a PG-13.
Macbeth (Patrick Stewart)
P-Stew kills it! Literally!
Concussion
Sparks don't fly. Will Smith discovers football is bad for the brain. Feels like it should be more hard-hitting than it is.
Chuck Norris Vs. Communism
Fantastic documentary about how people drew hope and inspiration from American cinema while living under Communism in the 1980's.
Special Correspondents
Ricky Gervais writes, directs, and stars in a movie that's surprisingly unlike his past work. It's unpleasant, but not constantly cruel.
The Hateful Eight
Tarantino is being seriously serious here. Halfway through the film screeches to a halt and basically becomes John Carpenter's The Thing in a winter lodge.
Cop Car
Kevin Bacon is fantastic as the villain hunting down two boys who steal a...cop car!
Popstar: Never Stop Never Stoppin'
Non-stop hilarity. Don't watch it, though. You'll just encourage them.
Steve Jobs
Yeah, the guy was a jerk.
Headhunters
Clever thriller about workplace drama taken to dark extremes. The scene in the outhouse is unforgettable. No matter how hard you try to forget it.
Margin Call
Superb fictional dramatization of the financial crisis, from the perspective of the investment bankers that dumped toxic assets on the public during the
Indigenous
Redshirt kids go in the woods. Bad stuff ensues. A bit slow. Not much to it.
High-Rise
Loki from Avengers goes super-bonkers in this equally bonkers adaptation of the bonkers 1975 classic J.G. Ballard novel.
American Ultra
Stoner comedy about a guy who doesn't realize he's an undercover CIA sleeper agent. With the Twilight girl.
Goosebumps
Some cute moments. Not unwatchable. Would've been way stronger if R.L. Stine's daughter in the film was actually dead and being kept alive by Stine's curse. Check the movie out and you'll agree with me.
I Am Road Comic
Cool documentary about a non-famous traveling comic. Neat glimpse into an unfamiliar world.
The Blind Side
Another Michael Lewis adaptation I like better than the book. A young Black man is adapted by a white family and becomes a football superstar and there's much drama.
Scout's Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse
I feel like this would be my favorite movie if I was 13. As is- yeah, it has its moments. A few laughs. A ton of zombie mayhem. I'm not the target demo anymore. Gimme my AARP card!
Poltergeist (2015)
Pointless remake. Interesting things: a more extensive glimpse of "the other side" and a surprise jolt in the last 10 minutes.
Cancer: The Emperor of Maladies
Depressing, yo.
Underworld
Finally saw it. Yeah, it sucked.
Maggie
Schwarzenegger has a zombie daughter. This film is a far cry from the "Schwarz Vs. Zombies" extravaganza you're expecting. It's a deliberately paced, melancholy art film.
The Phantom
Bruce Campbell was originally supposed to play the lead. That would have been cool.
Torque
Like a Fast & Furious film without speed or ferocity. The director went on to make the stunningly bizarre, hilarious, pitch-shifting Detention, so he's got that going for him.
Pee-Wee's Big Holiday
Pee-Wee is still in fine form.
Slingshot
Great documentary about the future of clean water. And innovation. And having a meaningful life. All are probably important things.
Cold in July
Solid adaptation of the classic Joe R. Lansdale novel. Twists like a bunch of pretzels tied in knots.
The Do-Over
Adam Sandler keeps making movies. He tries to give this some thematic depth, but it's a mess.
The Experiment
Inspired by a German film that was inspired by the infamous prison experiment, this is a brutal psychological thriller about a group of folks pretending to be prisoners and prison guards. It effectively shows what happens when men are given power. And what happens is not good.
Fantastic Four (2015)
Nah. Notable for the bad guy walking around and blowing up people's heads. Graphically. Blood flies everywhere. In a PG-13 movie.
Robinson Crusoe on Mars
Adam West rules.
Firewall
Harrison Ford vs. high-tech criminals. Guess who wins?
The Green Inferno
The SJW social satire in the first half hour is kind of interesting. Then it's a generic trapped-redshirts cannibal potboiler where people are tortured and killed without an iota of interest and suspense. It's all been done before- much better- in Italy in the early 80's.
All the Way
The guy from Breaking Bad gives an outstanding performance as LBJ in this made-for-HBO movie.
The Revenant
Leo fought the bear and the bear won. The rest of the film drags hard. Tom Hardy is cool, though.
Cooties
Zombie outbreak in an elementary school. Teachers under siege. Pretty generic stuff at this point, but zippy-paced and some original gore.
The Resurrection of Jake the Snake
Pro wrestling: not my jam. But I like a human interest story. And this is an interesting human story. In a nutshell: Man fights alcoholism.
Rock Star
Surprisingly funny and fun tale of life in a rock band starring Marky Mark. Much like his other film The Gambler, it delivers on what the title promises: there is a rock star in here.
Unconditional Nope:
Dracula Untold
Shark Lake
Zoombies
Tony Robbins: I Am Not Your Guru
Drive-In Massacre
Rampage
Van Wilder (20 minutes in and not a single laugh to be found- why is this a classic?)
Graduation Day
Ali G Indahouse
Cowboys Vs. Dinosaurs (Eric Roberts is fantastic in here, though!)
Funeral Home
Jack the Reaper
-Phony McFakename
Shark Lake
Zoombies
Tony Robbins: I Am Not Your Guru
Drive-In Massacre
Rampage
Van Wilder (20 minutes in and not a single laugh to be found- why is this a classic?)
Graduation Day
Ali G Indahouse
Cowboys Vs. Dinosaurs (Eric Roberts is fantastic in here, though!)
Funeral Home
Jack the Reaper
-Phony McFakename
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