So, local movie theaters. Zip code 22903. Here we go.
Regal Stonefield 14
A big, fancy 14-plex. They play movies there. Even the smallest theaters have huge screens. (Only disadvantage: they're SO large that the so-called "IMAX" screen looks maybe a few feet larger than the other screens.) Stadium seating, comfy seats. They offer fried food at the concession stand- chicken tenders and jalapeno poppers that will only give you mild gastrointestinal turmoil. Big and corporate and hegemonic- 14 screens playing the new superhero movie, but no indie movies. But that's the norm these days. Nice place overall. I like going there.
Jefferson Theater
Was a pretty cool bargain theater. Two screens in an antiquated facility. Scuzzy. I was disappointed when ticket prices went up from $1.50 to $2. Was even more disappointed when it closed.
Carmike 6 Theater
A pretty mediocre multiplex. Sticky floors, small screens, popcorn delivered in trash bags every morning, imported from mystery popcorn-popping facilities. Was pretty cool when it became a bargain theater in 2013. $1.50 a ticket. Then they closed. :-(
Goochland Drive-In & Lexington Drive-In
They're each an hour away, in opposite directions. So I never went. Both are still open, though. I hear they rock.
Fork Union Drive-In
Only 50 minutes away, so I went to this one. Cool place. Cheap concessions, awesome cotton candy-flavored ice cream, and ticket prices lower than any multiplex...only you get TWO movies for this lower price! Two porta-potties in the back, if you like waiting a really really long time to go pee-pee or poo-poo. It's kinda refreshing to see men AND women waiting in long lines to relieve themselves. Gives guys a taste of girls' medicine there. The place is still open, last I heard.
Newcomb Cinemateque
Is that place still a thing? Student theater, plays movies on weekends?
Paramount Theater
Big, fancy theater. Has a nice balcony. They do retro movie screenings now and then. Pretty hoity-toity.
Alamo Cinema and Drafthouse
It's supposed to open here next year. I can't review it yet. It doesn't exist.
Terrace Theater
I saw Bride of Chucky there in 1998. Four stars. (The movie, and the theater.) It was demolished to make room for Whole Foods.
Culbreth Theater
They remodeled the outside. Looks pretty cool. I think they only play movies in there during the VA Film Festival. Or maybe not at all? I'm incredibly uninformed here.
Regal Seminole Square
Four giant theaters. Huge lobby with a big display of painted Hollywood stars. I worked there as an assistant manager in 2004. Saw an advance screening of Hellboy. You = jealous. Nice place. Gone now.
Vinegar Hill
They played indie films here on its single tiny screen. It felt like a cute little home theater in a famous film director's mansion's basement. Closed under a barrage of competition.
Regal Downtown
One good-sized screen and five tiny rooms with screens and seats jammed in. A perfect place to see Ninja Assassin or Land of the Dead or Legion, but it was always weird to see big-budget blockbusters in that place. Surprise, surprise- CLOSED!
Violet Crown
Took over the Regal Downtown space last year. And this is the theater I really came here to talk about. Because I went there for the first time the other day.
Pros:
-Nice decor. Bathrooms have marble-lined walls and fancy sinks.
-Their dine-in food is good and their bar is pleasant, according to reliable sources. I just ate the popcorn, which was fine.
-The picture and sound quality are solid.
-They managed to cram 10 screens into a theater space that used to have 6 screens. Props!
Cons:
-Poor theater design. The seats are all jammed up against the screen so close that even the largest theaters feel like shoeboxes. And the only remotely good screen view is in the fourth row, dead center.
-Assigned seats. Awful, awful way to buy tickets. You have no idea what the theater's gonna look like before you go in and your seat you assign yourself might be crap.
-Uncomfortable neck-jabbing chairs. If you're remotely tall, you will suffer for the entirety of your theater-going experience with these short seats.
-Being forced to wait behind people paying for their ridiculously complex check-splitting food orders at the restaurant because that's where you also have to buy your tickets.
-Impossible-to-see automated ticket machines. Seriously, they're invisible unless you're walking toward them from inside the theater. And if you're inside the theater, you presumably already hack a ticket.
-The line for a "TIP" on the credit card receipt they make you sign at the concession stand. I have never before in my life been solicited for a tip for someone getting me an insanely-overpriced popcorn and soda at the theater. Concession prices are more than high enough- even subtly requesting a tip on top of that is just awful.
Basically, if you're a tall person who just wants to see a movie, Violet Crown is not the theater for you. But if you're an average-sized person who wants to get a nice meal and eat it while you watch a theatrical film, it's probably functional.
(UPDATE: To answer the outraged emails and Tweets and Snapchats and MySpace messages- yes, I know there used to be another drive-in theater in the middle of town. And a theater on The Corner. And a theater further up 29 that closed minutes after I moved here in 1998. I don't know what any of those theaters were called. I mostly came here to rant about the Violet Crown.)
-Phony McFakename
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