This book delivers a thrilling, satiric adventure featuring Eric Roberts confronting aliens, busting drug rings, going undercover, and destroying Communism. And giving some fantastic film performances along the way!
I initially wanted to explore what makes Roberts so amazing and charismatic. But then I decided I didn't want to demystify him. Truth is never as interesting as legend. You don't analyze Roberts, you experience him. No one effortlessly commands an audience's attention like him.
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| I mean- LOOK AT HIM!!! |
I hope Roberts' fans enjoy this ride. Heck, I hope EVERYONE enjoys it! It's not the true story, but it oughta be. Because someone as incomprehensibly amazing as Roberts deserves an equally incomprehensibly amazing life story.
The book is short and sweet and a great value at $2.99 (or free, for Kindle Unlimited members!). It's the perfect length if you have a short attention span and like to read a bit here and there on your phone, or read a book all at once on a laugh-filled evening or lazy weekend afternoon.
This covers Roberts' life up to about 1990, when Roberts unmasked Milli Vanilli as the lip-syncing fakers that they were. If people enjoy it, there will be two more, the final book culminating with Roberts becoming the most powerful superhero in existence.
To celebrate its release, here's every tweet I tweeted about Eric Roberts before I decided to write the book:
"Bride of Violence" (1990) Everyone said violence couldn't be tamed, but this special woman pulls it off! With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Options" (1989) I ran out of this film. (Get it? "Ran out of options"? Not bad, no?) With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"To Heal a Nation" (1988) America skins its knee and gets a Band-aid. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Nobody's Fool" (1986) Suicide attempts, abandonment, miserable dead-end jobs. And love. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"The Pope of Greenwich Village" (1984) Bad boys steal things and stealing is wrong so I was very offended. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Star 80" (1983) Better than "Star 49" but it's no "Star 63." With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Raggedy Man" (1981)- Eric Roberts takes off his shirt. Sissy Spacek swoons. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Paul's Case" (1978)- Eric Roberts' first made-for-TV movie. IT WON'T BE HIS LAST! With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"King of the Gypsies" (1978)- Worst Stephen King biography ever. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Zombie Dream" (2015) A zombie rambles for two hours about a dream where he shows up unprepared for a test. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"There Is Many Like Us" (2015) *Are. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"The Whipping Club" (2012) A group of pals start a club out of respect for whipped cream. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Stelleto Dance" (2001) A small-town girl works her way up the corporate ladder at Subway. Sexiness ensues. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"The Specialist" (1994) It would be more grammatically correct to say "The Most Special." With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"The Dead Want Women" (2012) A heartwarming romp about a father learning to accept responsibility. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Christmas in Compton" (2012) Offended that there are white people in this. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Eternity: The Movie" (2014) False advertising. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Assumed Killer" (2013) A heart-pounding thriller with a killer who makes an ass out of u and me. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Bullet in the Face" (2012) "Sliding Doors"-style romantic comedy. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"By the Sword" (1991) A heartwarming animated kids' movie about a sword named "By." With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Best of the Best" (1989)- A documentary about Eric Roberts. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
If Eric Roberts did not exist, we would have to invent him.
New Chris Cornell video has Eric Roberts in it- http://bit.ly/1OiJsgg . With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Maximum Impact" (2016)- Way too much impact for one movie. Strains credibility, if you ask me. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Devil Dogs" (2015) Evil hounds menace good honest tax-paying folks. Offensive trash. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Rude Awakening" (1989)- A jerk wakes someone up with an air horn. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Inherent Vice" (2014)- A private detective fights crime with crime. Probably some metaphor or something. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"The Ambulance" (1990) A fake ambulance takes people to a fake hospital. I screamed "FAKE" at every scene. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Runaway Train" (1985)- The Little Engine That Could goes rogue. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Power 98" (1996)- I missed the first 97 "Power" movies, but this was surprisingly decent. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"The Dark Knight" (2008)- Chinese citizen embezzles, is illegally extradited, then set afire on a money pile. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Sorority Slaughterhouse" (2015)- A delightful British comedy of manners. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Eyes of the Roshi" (2016)- Deceptive title. It's mostly about the Roshi's nose. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"The Coca-Cola Kid" (1985)- A poor innocent child suffers from tooth decay and diabetes. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"The Matadors" (2016)- A bunch of bull. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"The Expendables" (2010)-- A group of former Pendables get together for one last bash. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"The Human Centipede III" (2015)- A prison warden goes looking for love in all the wrong places. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Phat Girlz" (2006)- Plus-sized women find love. With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
"Raptor" (2001)- recycles dinosaur footage and plot from "Carnosaur." With Eric Roberts. Four stars.
And my favorite Eric Roberts tweet of all time was the one in this exchange:
@EricRoberts I wrote a story where you're a crime-fighting superhero. It's written with love. Any objection to my publishing it, good sir?
Go for it!
-Phony McFakename
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