Writing Journal: Deleted Scenes from "Eric Roberts: The True* Story"

Big announcement this week is I was interviewed for the Eric Roberts is the Man podcast about my new book, Eric Roberts: The True Story. (My segment starts at 6:29.)

And to celebrate, here's a couple scenes from the book that I cut. Enjoy!

* * *

During Eric Roberts’ legendary 1989 IKEEAA visit, he nudged one of the employees at the checkout counter and suggested that they sell meatballs there.

The employee’s eyes lit up and he began speaking in tongues as he became possessed with the brilliance of this idea. Multiple witnesses report that he mutated into the Swedish Chef from the Muppets on the spot. His human skin morphed into fabric and his internal organs became plush filling. And this employee has been talking in a Swedish-gibberish voice since that day.

IKEEAA kept him employed as their chief Meatball Maker as he was incapable of anything else. To this day, this employee doesn’t eat or sleep or mow the lawn, just works in IKEEAA’s main corporate kitchen and prepares Swedish meatballs for their stores all day and night.

So be aware that when you eat IKEEAA meatballs, they were prepared by a formerly human mutant puppet. But a formerly human mutant puppet who is passionate about meatballs. If you’ve gotta eat balls, his balls are the ones you wanna eat.

* * *

Roberts’ mug shot went down in police legend as the hottest mugshot ever. His smoldering glance nearly melted the camera’s lens.

And the officer was visibly shaking with terror and excitement as he took Roberts’ fingerprints.

“Relax, man,” Roberts purportedly said.

And relax the officer did.

Looking into the eyes of Eric Roberts- in conjunction with the “Relax, man” suggestion- he entered a realization spiral about human nature, how we interact with each other, and what truly matters.

He realized the secret to what makes us truly effective as human beings. And he realized that this realization needed to be passed on to the world at large.

This police officer’s name was Stephen Covey and later that year, he quit the police force and published The Seven Habits of Effective People, which contained every kernel of wisdom he acquired from his brief encounter with Eric Roberts.

The first printed copies of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People had a slightly different text on the “Acknowledgments” page, “Thank you, Eric Roberts. Without you, I would know nothing and I would be nothing. This is all possible by virtue of your charisma and your awesomeness.”

But the publisher thought that was a bit lengthy, so Covey altered it to what it currently says.

When Covey was interviewed by Bob Woodward and confronted with an advance reading copy of his book that gave Roberts all the credit, he simply smiled and said, “No comment.”

Woodward was pretty much losing his mind by this point, since everyone was playing coy about how Roberts had changed their lives and didn’t want to tell the full story. So he kind of blew up on Covey.

“I’m Bob Woodward and you better tell me the story! I get the scoop, see? You think you can just skirt around the truth while Bob Woodward is here, all up in your grill? I think not! Spill the beans, you dastardly bastard!”

Covey sighed gently and responded, “My personal relationship with Eric Roberts is not something you can discuss the way you talk about the weather or the political events of the day. It is transcendent and transformative.”

“But you only met him that one time, right?”

“Once was enough. More than enough. Certainly more than I deserve in my lifetime. I see all, I know all. I have visions of glory and a day when all mankind will read my book and become highly effective. And it’s all because of Eric Roberts.”

“But what did he do? How did he do it? Darnit, WHAT IS HIS MAGIC? How does he do the voodoo that he do?”

Covey stared off into the distance, much the way Eric Roberts would in such a situation. “He just…is. He is so highly effective, I have no words to describe him. Mr. Woodward, it’s time you just accept Eric Roberts and stop trying to analyze Eric Roberts.”

“BAH!” said Woodward, as he stormed off. He reportedly spent months afterward alone in a log cabin in the Kentucky mountains, muttering to himself.

Covey continued to be highly effective and encourage others to be the same.

-Phony McFakename

* * *

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