I joined Shudder so I could see the acclaimed
We Go On. And I stayed a member because they got mind-blowing stuff like
Ghostwatch.
Short version: Shudder is an exquisitely well-curated Netflix for horror.
I really like their selection and how
many weird movies they have that I figured no one cared about except for me. The picture quality is decent. I wanted it to be stunningly, dazzlingly crisp Blu Ray-level quality. But it was just okay HD. It's mainly fun to know the folks behind this site cared enough to find the best-looking available video file
of these movies to share with me.
The site is user-friendly. The Roku app
is fine, though a bit slow on the load screens and sometimes it got pixellated. Most of the time that's an internet issue, but this never happens on Netflix or Hulu, so I have to believe the problem is on Shudder's end. Also it did a weird strobe-ish thing like a DVD skipping every 15 minutes or so. The phone and tablet apps are great and played flawlessly. Nice
layout.
If you like horror, you should definitely pay the measly $4.99 a month they charge for this high-quality service. It's updated with neat new material about every week.
And what follows is my personal journey through the site for my first month as a member. I haven't watched much horror for a while before this, so I went on a bit of a bender. A nice sentimental journey that took me back to my joyful teenage years haunting the shelves of Video Vault...
We Go On- John Glover and Annete O'Toole! Awesome! Also a grabber right off the bat. A young man spends his entire fortune in an open call for proof of life after death. And he finds it... REALLY spooky. Lotsa unsettling moments, even the generic jump scares work. As soon as they showed the ghost in the grandfather clock, I was 100% on board. Spine was tingled and it stayed tingled. They
could have foreshadowed a bit more about O'Toole's willingness to do
anything for her son. Her deed at the graveyard feels a bit too abrupt.
Like- how did she possibly think she could get away with that? Also a neat background story about the abandoned neighborhood behind LAX- left me Googling to find out if that was a real thing. It is.
Silent Rage- Holy crap, Chuck Norris vs.
a rage zombie circa 1982! How did I never hear of this? Ron Silver, William
Finley, and Stephen Furst are great in their supporting roles, too. This is a
real bizarre mutt. Pacing is surreal. Mounting suspense, then stops cold for a
lengthy and pointless romantic interlude with the cheesiest love song I've ever
heard. Some scenes drag on forever, some scenes are tight as a noose. Chuck
takes on an entire bar full of bikers and it feels genuinely dangerous- it
really looks like people are getting hurt there. And now that I think about it- the
entire subplot about the bikers invading Chuck's town and his taking them on
had no connection to the main story. If it had been deleted, it would change
nothing. Same on the comic relief sidekick- he just got in the way or bungled
things and never redeemed himself.
Wake Wood- Ouch! The violence, whether
it's a bovine c-section, a stabbing, a cow-stomping, or even mutilating a dead
body...is all really harsh. Solid enough Pet Sematary-ish tale of parents
brought down by grief for a lost child. Interesting that it's a Hammer film.
The classic studio is fully embracing modern film-making here, perhaps too much
so with the shaky-cam. The dude from The Wire is great, as is the
resurrectionist guy, who plays the sleazebag role in every movie ever.
Rabies- Not what I expected. Kept zigging
and zagging and zugging and zegging. And DARK! Lots of disturbing psychological
stuff, everyone getting put through the ringer. Also neat to see the
hilariously high-strung blonde from Jane the Virgin in a foreign horror film.
Christmas Tale- Really liked! A
super-dark foreign twist on Stranger Things. It was sufficiently grounded that
I didn't guess the ending. Also liked how short it was. All killer, no filler!
Movies should not be afraid of a 70-minute running time. Just delete every
scene of people walking around and you can pull it off!
Come Out and Play- I happen to have seen
Who Can Kill a Child, the film Come Out and Play was remaking. (I also saw the
similar Troma movie, Beware! Children at Play.) Cool new take on it. Kids on an island go ham and kill all the adults for no reason. Lots of
good moments. Though not much in the way of twists on the original.
Spiderhole- Didn't really care for the
characters. Well-made and atmospheric, but it just didn't grab me.
To Let- Solid setup. Tenants come to see an apartment, then are abducted and held captive like mannequins in the apartment by a crazy landlady. Lost me at the
kitchen scene, since they finally had the mad landlady down for the count. Then instead of
taking her out, hitting the road, and sending the authorities back to rescue
everyone else...they just let the relentless crazy lady live and they stay in
the death trap and wander around trying to rescue people they have no idea if
they'll even be able to rescue. Boo. Hard to root for characters that dumb.
Film needed to give a better reason for their staying.
Dead Heat- I gave it a shot since it said it
was "NR"- I thought it might finally be the uncut version, but it's
the same old R-version. I saw stills from the original gore FX that got trimmed
to avoid an X rating in an old 1988 Gorezone magazine and they looked hilarious and gross and I've been aching to see that
stuff since. Much like a truly uncut release on the original Hellraiser, I
don't think it'll ever happen. Also it's an odd near-miss of a movie. Some stuff really works, some stuff falls flat. The basic
"zombie cop" story and structure are solid, as are some gags. But Joe
Piscopo really stinks up the place. Almost every one of his lines feel like
something they put in the script as placeholders. Like, "We'll come up
with something better than that on set." But they never did. Unless those
were ad libs by Piscopo himself, in which case- shame on him. If Shane Black
had done a pass on that script, I'm convinced Dead Heat could have been one of the
best films of the 80s.
Night of the Creeps- 50s alien/80s zombie horror/comedy hybrid holds up really
well. Showed it to a friend and he was mighty impressed by its deft mix of
whimsical humor and deep darkness. It walks a very hard line there and nails
it. Also with the HD quality, I noticed this bit of graffiti
in the bathroom where the disabled guy is attacked by the slugs: "GOMONSTER SQUAD!" Writer/director Fred Dekker gave his own film props one year before making it! I strongly suspect his old pal Shane Black helped Dekker punch up this script. It has the Black flavor to it. And (SPOILER!) Dekker's original ending is the one on Shudder/DVD: Tom Atkins emerges burned from the house, a slug pops out, and an alien ship goes hunting in a cemetery for the slug. But the theatrical/VHS ending that I saw like a dozen times as a kid was: the sorority house explodes, then a zombie dog wanders up and the lead female smiles and says "Hi, doggy!" and the last shot is the dog shooting a space slug from the mouth and at her. Cut to black. Even though Dekker hated it (it was imposed on him by the studio), I prefer the latter ending, and it's long gone. Can't even find it on YouTube.
Ghosthouse- Another one I'd seen images
from in 80s Gorezone issues and have never been able to track down. It's a
bonkers mess of a film. With the evil clown puppet and haunted house nonsense,
it's blatantly ripping off Poltergeist. But the gore is extreme Lucio Fulci-level
stuff. And it was apparently released as an Evil Dead sequel overseas, much
like all those fake Demons and Zombie sequels that were retitled for marketing
purposes. It has the obvious "WHY aren't they leaving?!" problem of
every haunted house film, but applying any rational critique to this silly
surreal mess is futile. One thing I noticed here that's always bugged me about
Italo-horror: When the monster is approaching people to attack, they always
just stand there as the slow-moving thing closes in on them. No attempt to
escape or fight back. It's like seeing something spooky makes Italians lose the
will to live. Heck, every time an H.P. Lovecraft story protagonist sees anything
scary, they faint. So there's precedent there. Some good creepy moments and
cool practical effects despite its incompetence. And hey, turns out it was
directed by Umberto Lenzi under a pseudonym- he made the family-friendly films Make Them Die Slowly and
City of the Walking Dead.
Witchery- Oh snap, I didn't realize until
I decided to watch it that this is the Italian sequel to Ghosthouse! In Italy,
this was released as Evil Dead 4 (bogus), but this one really IS a follow-up to
Ghosthouse, with the same themes and vibe, just executed with slightly more competence.
A couple actors from Ghosthouse even pop up here, in different roles. It feels
much more like an incompetent American horror film than incompetent Italian
horror film like Ghosthouse, though both were technically made in America. I chose
to watch it because it starred Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff. And both of
them do their best, bless their hearts. Poor Hoff gets sprayed in the face with
pathetically fake-looking blood for like twenty seconds from a voodoo-severed
artery. And Blair gets- you guessed it- possessed at the end. It's not pretty.
Just learned about the "next" film in the "Evil Dead"
series, Beyond Darkness. Looks like
another Italian-produced gem, and I bet the final scene in the trailer is the
final scene in the movie. Weird marketing. And how about that kid from Troll
2?! Aaaaand looks like Shudder has Beyond Darkness. This site is AMAZING. Think I'm
gonna have to pass, though. I feel like I've done my time here in this "Evil Dead" "series." And Ghosthouse and Witchery are movies I've wanted to see
for literally 20 years. So maybe in 20 years I'll wanna see Beyond Darkness.
(The Italian Evil Dead 6 and Evil Dead 7 are House II and The Horror Show, just FYI.)
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball
Bowl-a-Rama- Always wondered about this one, never had access. Not nearly bad enough, so I quit on it after a few minutes.
I Drink Your Blood- Got the censored
version of this on my second trip ever to Video Vault. The uncut version on
Shudder isn't much different. Though seeing it as an adult is rough: a kid lacing
meat pies with rabies to infect Satanists as revenge for abusing his family is
not a fun watch. Some fun tasteless Vietnam-era social commentary, like the
single Asian character pouring gas on herself and setting herself on fire. But mostly ick.
Toolbox Murders 2- WTF!? I remember
really liking Tobe Hooper's Toolbox Murders remake a few years back. So I gave the sequel a
shot. It's a random, disjointed, gross torture porn-y mess. Some shots look
really crisp and clear, some look like they were shot on a phone. A flip phone,
to be specific. Everything about it is a head-scratcher. I bowed out after a few minutes, then looked it up to try to figure it out. How's this for a
mystery?
Slime City- I think Video Vault actually
had this one, but I never got around to it. It's scuzzy and crude, with a
dirt-cheap homemade vibe. And the story is basically The Incredible Melting
Man, only the melting has a supernatural instead of sf cause. It's unique,
awful, and kinda unnerving. Does a good job capturing seedy mid-80s NYC. The
effects in the last scene are an oozy doozy.
Zombie Holocaust- Highest quality version
of Dr. Butcher M.D. I've ever seen. It is what it is. I kinda prefer it to the more popular (and from the same era)
Zombie since it commits more to its zaniness. Zombie has its moments, but is a
bit dull. They're basically the same movie, though. Both have zombie/cult shenanigans in Manhattan that lead our protagonists to a remote island where the dead are walking and hilarity ensues.
Conquest- The only Lucio Fulci film I
never saw. And I see why it's not popular. It's a cheesy, cheap ripoff of
Conan/ Clash of the Titans. I can't see anyone but a kid liking it, yet the
gore is Fulci at his goriest. Also despite all the mayhem and kinkiness and
laser-bow-and-arrow it's boring. And I guess Shudder couldn't find a good
print, because it's boxed around all the edges.
The Burning Moon- I've heard legends
about this one. Didn't know it was shot-on-video German cheese. It's better
than the other shot-on-video German films Violent S**t 1 & 2, but not
better than Violent S**t 3. I got to see the "special"
"effect" of the "burning moon" and then checked out after fifteen excruciating minutes and looked for highlights on YouTube instead. Ick.
Return to Sleepaway Camp- I liked this
way more than I expected to. It's easily the best of the four Sleepaway Camp films. It's
shockingly well-made. Not like high art, but looks (and feels) like a solid
episode of Wet Hot American Summer. It has a delirious sense of on-the-nose idiocy,
punctuated by pretty jarring violence.
Killer Nun- Another one I'd always been
curious about. Nope. Super-dull, checked out after fifteen too-long minutes.
Mountain of the Cannibal God- The only
Italian cannibal film I never saw. Ugh. Shoulda kept it that way. Stacy Keach
is great in it. Dude always had smoldering screen presence. And it's more
competently made than the other Italo-cannibal flicks. The animal violence
scenes are really unnerving. The human gore effects are decent. But it falls
apart at the end. A character gets introduced who looks exactly like Stacy
Keach, then Stacy Keach randomly dies, then there's this horrifying
orgy scene in the cannibal lair where I'm pretty sure one of the
tribespeople is actually having sex with a giant pig on camera. Yup, that was enough for me. Makes Black Mirror
look quite tame by comparison.
Tokyo Gore Police- Well, dang.
Just...dang. Wow. Worth it for the opening sequence alone. Relentless.
Deranged. And it had some really sustained disturbing parts, like the police rampaging around town and randomly attacking and murdering and mutilating citizens while this intense, pounding music plays. Some really vicious sociopolitical commentary on abusive law enforcement there. Its tone is really brutal and all over the place. And the gore was just so bonkers, I couldn't believe it. I've seen a lot, but there was stuff in there that melted my brain, especially the guy whose leg stumps spray so much blood, he uses their propulsive force like rocket thrusters to fly up into the air in the middle of a swordfight. Parts are really disturbing, parts are cartoony. It's an experience.
Video Nasties- These documentaries are
great. I knew a lot of the stuff in here. But didn't know that the British
authorities seized and burned 22,000 videos when they were freaking out over horror films in the 80s. That's a lot. Also it's neat to
see that almost all of the gonzo movies they're talking about on there are
available on Shudder.
Acolytes- The Bourne-ish shaky-cam was a real turn-off, as were all the characters in this tale of teens trying to blackmail a serial killer into murdering a bully. Cool premise, annoying execution.
100 Bloody Acres- Some good twists and turns in this horror/comedy/drama about the poor schmucks being held captive by Australian psychopaths who want to turn them into fertilizer.
Blood Punch- Started great, then lost me
after ten minutes. I regret giving it another twenty minutes. Hated everyone in it.
Skipped to the ending to see if I missed anything. Nope. I understand it has a Groundhog Day-ish time loop, but I never made it to see the loop happen even once.
Beyond Darkness- I caved. Finally watched this one to be a
completist in the "Italian Evil Dead" series. The first few minutes with the witch on death row were legit good.
Nothing else was. Also I wonder what sect of Catholicism lets the lead priest
character have a wife and kids...
Fear No Evil- Hadn't seen this since 1994. Can't say I regret that. Pretty darned ridiculous Antichrist-in-high-school nonsense. Great soundtrack, though.
Harlequin- Some zigs
and zags in this modern retelling of Rasputin. David Hemmings is solid in it, as he was in Deep Red. But I would
have liked it a lot more if they went with their original casting choice for
the harlequin: David Bowie.
Turkey Shoot & Dead-End Drive-In-
Very similar, both Australian 80s films directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith, who
came to America and made Night of the Demons 2. I'd seen both, but barely
remembered them. Turkey Shoot had a cool cast, but was pretty wretched. And the
editing was awful. Dead-End Drive-In had its moments and cool shots, but pacing sucked and it was too all over the place and the racist allegory stuff at the end was too heavy-handed.
Eaten Alive- Ugh. Props to Hooper for
changing his visual style so drastically after Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but this looks
like a cheap TV show most of the time. Robert Englund and Bill Butler are
fantastic in it, but the long pointless shots of people
walking around are a big turn-off.
Tales from the Darkside, Season 1- Surprisingly cool early-80s horror anthology show, only available online on Shudder. I LOVED episode four because it had Farley Granger basically playing the Leland Gaunt role from Needful Things as the doctor having his patients kill and let their family members be killed. It was a strong parallel to Granger's role in the old Hitchcock movie, Strangers on a Train, with the "You do mine, I do yours" premise. The "Trick or Treat" pilot with the witch was solid. And
"A Case of the Stubborns" is pretty awesome. Has Brent Spiner pre-Star Trek, and he's having a blast as a religious figure condemning an old man for refusing to stay buried. Also
stars a super-young Christian Slater, which puts his appearance in the 1990 Tales from the Darkside
movie in context. He was pretty famous by the time that movie came out, so I
bet he did it as a favor for them giving him this early acting gig. Stephen
King's "Word Processor of the Gods" was one of the only Darkside
episodes I'd already seen. It holds up. "The Odds" is
cool mostly because it stars Tom Noonan and Danny Aiello. Its plot kind of
blurs with the rest of the early episodes, which are nearly all about a deal
with the devil/demon/witch. Some of the final twists don't make complete sense,
but the dreamlike nature of the show makes that forgivable. They're more about
the vibe than the story sometimes. Each episode has a nifty cast, where you're
like "Oh look, the bad guy from Dreamscape!" or something. I'm
officially hooked, gonna watch every episode regardless of quality.
The Toolbox Murders- Revisited it. Not as
good in a post-torture porn world, but some neat moments, creepy vibe,
and-hallelujah!-Rob Zombie's wife is only in one scene. (Instead of starring in it, as she is in like every Zombie film.) And it's MUCH MUCH better than the sequel.
Baby Blood- Always wanted to see this tale of a fetus that makes its mother drink blood,
which I saw in a censored form as The Evil Within. But I got bored and numb after a few minutes.
Slugs- The MPAA gave this gorefest an R in the late 1980s, during a reactionary time when they were forcing Friday the 13th movies to cut every frame of blood. It's
a ridiculous mess, but the icky parts work. And yes, I read the Shaun Hutson book that it's based on.
Maniac Cop- Sloppy but effective. And
more relevant than ever in our current police state. The sequel is better.
The Stomach- Ew. People communicate with the dead through a guy's mouth as ghosts appear in his stomach. I liked how much story
they crammed into a short film, though.
Phase 7- Nah. Starts pretty great and
deadpan as a couple ambles their way through a crazy viral apocalypse. But it's a drag to get through.
Waxwork II: Lost in Time- I don't even
know what to say. Some parts just knock it out of the park, some parts are
facepalm-a-rama. Neat cameos. It's ambitious for what's clearly a limited
budget. The closing credits song/music video makes the Monster Squad Rap sound
like NWA.
Q: the Winged Serpent- Tale of a prehistoric bird on the loose in Manhattan from the early 80s starts very strong
and sputters. Whole lotta filler. Great cast, though. Love me some Michael Moriarty.
Island of Death- No.
Phantasm III- pretty darned bad. Last saw
this when it was on the VHS new releases shelf. Some inspired griesome/crazy
moments, but mostly an inane mess that leaves you wondering why The Talk Man is
so fixated on Mike.
Phantasm IV- Feels like a home movie. They did the best they could with their non-budget, I guess.
Phantasm: Ravager (Part 5)- Either a brilliant cheesy cheap conclusion or a stultifyingly awful cheesy cheap conclusion. It's cheesy and cheap, that's guaranteed. But I don't even know anymore. I watched the rest of the series to refresh myself for this one. And I feel like my brain does not work so good now.
Death Bed: The Bed That Eats- I can't describe it better
than Patton Oswalt did. I liked when the Death Bed drank Pepto
Bismol.
31 (with commentary)- I tend not to like
Rob Zombie's films, but I like his interviews and listening to him talk about his
movies and horror on his commentaries floats my boat. This was no exception.
Metamorphosis- starts surprisingly well,
considering it's directed by the nutty guy who played the title role in Joe D'Amato's mess, The
Grim Reaper. But it gets worse and worse and by the end, the FX are public
access-level and it makes no sense at all.
Burial Ground- Saw this one on VHS but
only remembered the weird kid that looked blatantly like a short adult. Surprising amount of zombie action and gore,
but dull and its story is nonexistent. It seriously makes no sense at all. Any of it.
The Zero Boys- Huh. Random seemingly fun and happy-go-lucky 80s movie about a group of teens who play around. And then end up in the middle of a torture porn/snuff film ring in the middle of the woods. Uh...quick escalation there. Tone is all over the place.
Hell Baby- Really wanted to like it as I'm a fan of everyone involved (mostly folks from The State/Reno 911), but 99% of it falls flat. About as good as a Scary Movie sequel.
Bloody Knuckles- I see what they're getting at. Solid ideas and intentions with this severed-hand-comes-back-for-revenge tale. But the acting is really distractingly bad. They tried really hard despite their low budget, though.
Pieces- The super-misogynistic attitude keeps this slasher train-wreck from being funny on a so-bad-it's-good level.
Patrick- I've heard that a lot of important people like this movie about a telekinetic guy who lays on a bed unmoving for the entire movie. I can't get behind it. It went on forever. It's almost two hours long and almost nothing happens.
He Took His Skin Off for Me- Cute and heartfelt and sad short film about a couple where the man takes his skin off and lives without skin to make his lady happy. It makes his job difficult (as no one wants to hold sales meetings with a skinless man), and she has to wash the bloody sheets every day. But every couple has its issues. Great work.
The Exorcist III- Love this movie. And it totally holds up. Two of the best jump scares of all time. I'm gonna be super-inflammatory and say this is the best Exorcist film of them all.
-Phony McFakename
