Monday, June 27, 2016

Literateur: "The Great Dinosaur Mystery SOLVED!" by Ken Ham

So how about those dinosaurs?

You probably thought they lived millions of years ago and went extinct before mankind came along.

Well, you thought WRONG!

Here comes The Great Dinosaur Mystery SOLVED!
The title ends in an exclamation mark, because it's here to get up in yo face and set you straight!

The author's last name is Ham. Know why? It's because he is straight up GOIN' HAM on all your evolutionary lies!

Alright, let's knock down your stupid, STUPID brainwashed misconceptions one by one!

1) But I thought dinosaurs lived millions of years ago!

You fool! Dinosaurs were created on the fifth and sixth days of creation- when God made the things of the sea and the things of the Earth- exactly 6,000 years ago. The Bible is the History Book of the Universe. That's the only way you can interpret it!

2) What about the fossils that date back much farther than 6,000 years?

You are really silly! You're gonna trust "scientists" with their "science" over Ken Ham's interpretation of the Bible? Scientists are just making wild guesses, they don't really know anything about anything.

3) But there's no evidence that mankind lived at the same time as dinosaurs...is there?

Sigh. I envy your reckless foolishness. I wish I could be as foolish as you, but I am too enlightened. Buddy, there are authentic CAVE DRAWINGS of dinosaurs drawn by early cavemen!
4) But there are no references to dinosaurs in the Bible...are there?

You poor, deluded dummy head. You know all those references to Leviathan, Behemoth, and even dragons in the Bible? All dinosaurs. IN YO FACE!

5) Do you mean to tell me that there were dinosaurs in Noah's Ark?

Do you still have any doubts at this point? What's wrong with you? STUPID! You're so STUPID! OF COURSE there were dinosaurs on Noah's Ark. Two of every kind of animal- what part of that is unclear?
This is funny, but it's not how it really happened. The other animals were NOT eaten by the dinosaurs on the Ark!
6) But how would they fit on the Ark? Aren't dinosaurs big?

Here's my imitation of you: "Derp derp bla bla stupid brainwashed so-called science. Duuuh." The Ark was HUGE, buster. Of course they had room for all the dinosaurs on there. And most dinosaurs weren't that big. And for all the really gigantic dinosaurs, like T-rex and brachiosaurus? God had Noah put two baby versions of each of those dinosaurs on the Ark so they wouldn't take up as much space.

7) What about all these scientists and historians that tell me different things from what you're telling me?

You are a magnificently micro-cephalic specimen of intellectual inferiority. The so-called "scientists" and so-called "historians" are just haters! They claim to know things, but they can only see the present, not the past. They're just guessing! Science is good for building machines and stuff, but when it comes to the past- we just don't know!
8) Wow. I had no idea. You're telling me the real truth, after all. Please tell me more!

Now you're getting it!

Okay- dinosaurs were all plant-eaters at first and they only started eating flesh after the Curse was placed on Adam and Eve. You think T-rex's sharp teeth prove it was a meat eater? Well, camels have sharp teeth and they don't eat meat! CHECKMATE!

No dinosaurs died until after the Curse was placed on Adam and Eve because there was no death before then.

If mankind had started preserving endangered species a few years sooner, we could have saved the dinosaurs that walked alongside us before they faced extinction!

We don't REALLY know if dinosaurs were warm-blooded or cold-blooded.

Belief in pre-historic dinosaurs is responsible for euthanasia, the dissolution of the family unit, homosexuality, abortion, pornography, and racism.

The so-called "Loch Ness Monster"? A dinosaur. PROVING that dinosaurs still exist. And isn't it more likely that a dinosaur would still exist if it was created 6,000 years ago than if it was created MILLIONS of years ago?

Theistic Evolutionists, Progressive Creationists, and Gap Theorists are all poopyheads.
Those Chinese and medieval European legends about dragons? All dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs didn't evolve into birds because evolution is a dumb lie. Paleontologists are lying about any so-called "evidence" that proves dinosaur-to-bird evolution.

Check the 87 end-notes for an amazing collection of scholarly resources consulted for this book, including Ken Ham's Evolution: The Lie, The Genesis Record, Creation ex nihilo Technical Journal, The Young Earth, After the Flood, Dinosaurs and Dragons, Noah's Ark: A Feasibility Study, An Ice Age Caused by the Genesis Flood, Creation and the Curse, and The Cincinnati Enquirer.

9) That's incredible. Thanks!

Oh, don't thank me. Just go to the Creation Museum and support Ken Ham there!

10) Can I learn more amazing truth at this Creation Museum?

Yes, you can learn more amazing truth at this Creation Museum. Admission for adults is only $30! And if you want to tour the Ark exhibit along with the Museum, it's only $60!

11) Only $60 a ticket? That's a great deal!

It sure is!


-Phony McFakename

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Legal disclaimer: Me am on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and YouTube and even Pinterest if that's your thing. And me books am on Amazon and Barnes & Noble and Kobo and probably some other places, too.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Comical Books: Super-Duper Capsule Reviews

I read comics, so you don't have to! Fun fact- I paid exactly $0 for any of this stuff, thanks to university libraries, public libraries, friends loaning and giving me comics, show-rooming at retail stores, and buying a handful of comics that I resold on eBay.

A cash-neutral hobby!

Anyway, here's a sample of some of the interesting stuff I read over the past few months.
Grizzlyshark by Ryan Ottley
Half shark, half grizzly bear, all mayhem! Demented and off-the-wall three-issue comic series written and drawn by a Mormon. As it should be.

Bill & Ted's Most Triumphant Return by Brian Lynch
Not a total letdown! Commendable, for a resurrection of a 25-years-dormant franchise.

Graphic Classics: H.P. Lovecraft by Richard Corben
Decent enough Lovecraft story adaptations.

Chew v.11 by John Layman
The cibopath detective is back! He solves crimes by eating the bodies of crime victims. Also there are aliens and endless varieties of mutants and mayhem. Gets weirder with every issue. Good for Chew.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 8 by "Joss Whedon"
Buffy should have been left well enough alone. It's nice to see the characters again, but their welcome wears out pretty quick and the plot goes wonky for wonkiness' sake. Made me glad that the show ended when it did.

Deadpool Classic v.1 by Various Writers
Turns out Deadpool wasn't funny in the 90s. They played him straight most of the time. Boo.
The Star Wars by J.W. Winzler
Comic adaptation of George Lucas' original rough-draft script for Star Wars. Because we're out of ideas. Pretty wild, though. Remarkable to see how different it all was from what ended up on screen.

Walking Dead v.25: No Turning Back by Robert Kirkman
Like the Energizer bunny, this series is still going. Getting mighty repetitive and cyclical. Our heroes settle somewhere, big bad guy challenges them, they fight, they start over settling somewhere else, big bad guy challenges them, wash, rinse, repeat. Been that way for a while, but it gets more obvious with every issue. Also there are zombies here and there.

Hawkeye v.4: Rio Bravo by Matt Fraction
This surprisingly clever minimalist art take on the character is still going strong.

Drax: The Galaxy's Best Detective by CM Punk
The green guy from Guardians of the Galaxy didn't strike me as someone in need of his own spin-off series. But this is the first comic I've seen that's written by a UFC fighter. So it's interesting for that.

Fables, v.3: Storybook Love by Bill Willingham
Super-mega-gritty take on fairy tales is still super-mega-gritty. Was probably pretty novel back when it was first published in 2002.

Batman, Inc. v.2 by Grant Morrison
Batman's still trying to get his worldwide Batman franchise off the ground. Some neat psychedelic imagery.

Cage: Max by Brian Azzarello
Nasty stuff, man. I hope the Netflix show about Luke Cage isn't this nasty. Netflix did a good job watering down the hideous Alias comics for its still-hard-hitting adaptation- Jessica Jones- so I'm hopeful.
Unbeatable Squirrel Girl v.2: Squirrel You Know It's True by Ryan North
Stupendously awesome and silly comic aimed at girls. Great stuff.

Punisher v.3: Last Days by Nathan Edmondson
These new Punisher comics are okay. Better than the recent series where Punisher was pretty much mute. But I miss Garth Ennis. His Marvel Knights and Max runs on the character were Earth-shatteringly awesome.

Saga v.6 by Brian K. Vaughan
It's still going. Started as a unique, one-of-a-kind adults-only bizarro sf/fantasy family drama. But it's starting to feel like random nonsense.

Captain America v.1: Hydra Ascendant by Rick Remender
I just realized I don't care about this character anymore. His movies are great, but his comics are just wheel-spinning McFights and McChases.

Two-Fisted Science by Jim Ottaviani
Fun realistic tales of real scientists.

Guardians of the Galaxy: The Black Vortex by Brian Michael Bendis
I really dug the 2008 Guardians comic series that inspired the 2014 film. But this new incarnation of the characters is trying too hard to be like the movie and it's devolved into generic space opera. What happened to the fire of Realm of Kings, with the cancer-verse and all that insane mind-blowing, messed-up stuff for the Guardians to face???

Boris Karloff's Tales of Mystery Archives by Various Writers
Nice classical horror comic series. Nothing too amazingly original, but fun.
Batman '66 Vs. Green Hornet by Kevin Smith
Comic version of the Adam West Batman. Brilliant and funny idea, well-executed.

Spider-Man: Kraven's Last Hunt by J.M. DeMatteis
Supposed to be the most controversial Spider-Man comic ever. Has some ooky imagery but pretty tame by modern standards.

Spike: After the Fall by Brian Lynch
Angel's season 5 open ending is now closed. Some neat jolts and twists in this follow-up.

Spike Vs. Dracula by Peter David
Random riff on the characters. Lots of laughs and cool bits.

East of West v.1-4 by Jonathan Hickman
Post-apocalyptic sludgy fantastical mystical gritty gory gopher guts. I dunno. It's there.
Dark Rain: A New Orleans Story by Mat Johnson
Moving and superbly-crafted tale of true crime during a national tragedy.

Marvel Team-Up v.1 by Robert Kirkman
I thought it would be neat to read a superhero comic by the Walking Dead author. Thing is- he wasn't really that guy yet. In 2005, Kirkman was still known as the guy who'd written a handful of X-Men and Captain America comics. And thus- this is pretty bland.

Invincible Iron Man: Reboot by Brian Michael Bendis
Why is this called "Reboot"? There are no boots in here, re- or otherwise. But seriously. Why? Stark teams up with Doctor Doom. Hilarity ensues. But no rebooting.

Dark Tower: The Drawing of the Three: Lady of Shadows by Peter David
Mediocre art and mediocre writing in this Stephen King adaptation. Odetta/Detta's backstory is tragic, but not interesting enough to sustain this entire volume. It feels like treading water, delaying narrative progress. Also the artwork is sloppy and bland:
Avengers: Time Runs Out by Jonathan Hickman
This made me stop following Avengers comics. Too many big Earth-shattering/Earth-threatening events. Makes me want to give up comics forever and just read Jane Austen for the rest of my life.

The Saga of Solomon Kane by Various Writers
Black and white collection of 70's Solomon Kane comics. This guy is Robert E. Howard's "other" major creation. (Howard is mostly known for creating Conan.)

Batman by Ed Brubaker
Boring. I didn't care about the bad guy with the weird glasses. Brubaker- though a great writer- doesn't add much to the Bat-mythos.

Crossed 100 v.2 by Simon Spurrier
Eww. But not as eww as usual. When Garth Ennis dropped Crossed on this poor, unsuspecting world in 2009, we were all traumatized by the most brutal and depressing zombie apocalypse of all time. The cruelty was just jaw-dropping. It left every torture-porn film ever made in the dust. And it worked. We were terrified for the characters because we didn't want the terrible, terrible things to happen to them. But it should have ended there. It's been SEVEN YEARS now and they're STILL cranking out stories in this world. Every bloody month. To no effect. But then Alan Moore came along last year and finally did something different with the concept by writing Crossed 100. It jumped 100 years into the future and showed what happens to the world and how language devolved and- most important- what we humans become. Neat idea. But as this pointless wheel-spinning follow-up proves- it should have ended there. Again.

Black Widow v.3: Last Days by Nathan Edmondson
Cool character. She should get her own movie!
Invincible v.22: Reboot? by Robert Kirkman
This remarkable series is finally starting to bounce back from its flirtation with uber-grittiness. It had such a good heart for 100 issues or so but it's been rough going for a while now. I welcome its return to form. Despite some missteps over the years, it's probably my favorite superhero comic. Ever.

Box Office Poison by Alex Robinson
Was it mandatory that 90's indie comics have horrible, unlikable characters? I lived through the 90's. I distinctly remember not everyone being horrible and unlikable.

Battleworld Comics (Marvel Zombies, etc.) by Various Writers
I read a few in this new Marvel series. Basically- it's a bunch of Marvel worlds broken down and reassembled Frankenstein-style. Kid-shaking-the-ant-farm nonsense. I don't care.

Star Wars: Heir to the Empire by Timothy Zahn (Source text)
I remember the book this was based on was a big deal. Most famous piece of Star Wars franchise fiction in history. Revitalized interest. Sold a ton of copies. Maybe it was good. (I was exclusively reading horror at the time it hit.) But the comic based on it sucks. Nothing in here is interesting. Nothing much happens. It's the first story in a trilogy, but still. Something should have happened. The Force Awakens and A New Hope were first entries in trilogies and stuff happened in both of them. It can be done.

Batman in the 70's by Various Writers
Thing I just learned- Frank Miller didn't actually invent the "Gritty Batman" concept with his 1986 classic Dark Knight Returns. Batman was already pretty darned gritty in his 1970s comics! It feels like a pushback against the Adam West goofiness of the 60's.
Big Trouble in Little China v.2 by John Carpenter/ Eric Powell
Original Big Trouble director John Carpenter had some creative input into this series, so it's fun and feels legit.

Thanos: The Infinity Revelation by Jim Starlin
I don't remember anything about it. Infinity Gauntlet was pretty cool, but I could give or take this one. Because I don't remember it. Why do people find Thanos interesting? I know the next two Avengers films are gonna be about the guy, so get used to him.

Howard the Duck v.0: What the Duck by Chip Zdarsky
Lame. Previous incarnations of the character were super-vulgar (the Max series) or super-stupid (the George Lucas movie) or just okay (the original comics). This one is lame, as I said in the first sentence.

Tomb of Dracula Omnibus by Marv Wolfman
The character Blade first appeared in this surprisingly solid 70s horror comic series. Dracula's back and he gets into shenanigans. Nice art, solid writing.

Batman v.7: Endgame by Scott Snyder.
Hardcore. Joker mutilates a bunch of people and he and Batman maim each other horribly. As fun as a Zach Snyder movie.

Ex Machina v.2 by Brian K. Vaughan
Hero with powers runs for office and fights for gay marriage.
Daredevil v.4: Autobiography of Matt Murdock by Mark Waid
Mark Waid's run on this series has been relentlessly interesting and cool. This one's a solid entry in the saga of the now-unmasked hero. Keep up the good work, Waid.


-Phony McFakename

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Legal disclaimer: Me am on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and YouTube and even Pinterest if that's your thing. And me books am on Amazon and Barnes & Noble and Kobo and probably some other places, too.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

The Best Words: June 2016

This month's entry is longer than usual because I devoted last month 100% to Robert Benchley quotes. Because Robert Benchley is awesome. 

(And as always- this is where the stuff I think was funny on Twitter can be found.)

“A violent ground acquisition game such as football is, in fact, a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war.”
-Back to School

“Don't get a haircut on a bad hair day.”
-Overheard from wife

"He’s a goat. He’s a dumb, mean clump of meat that makes cheese."
-Hansel Castro

“If prayer is only a spasmodic cry at the time of crisis, then it is utterly selfish, and we come to think of God as a repairman or a service agency to help us only in our emergencies.”
-Howard W. Hunter

“Honey...there are no accidents. Almost every-damn-body is a suicide when you get right down to it. Those are just the rules. You smoke and die of lung cancer? The big boy upstairs says suicide. You eat at McDonald’s every damn day of your life and your heart turns into a little ball of cement? Suicide. You get drunk and drive into a tree or turn your liver into jelly? Suicide. Don’t matter how long or short it takes people. Fact is, most people kill themselves and it’s no use arguing about it. Like I said, those are the rules.”
-Gina Ranalli, Suicide Girls in the Afterlife

“My fear was boring.”

“Done is better than good.”
-Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic

“I’ve come to embrace the world of blockbuster dominance because it’s ever been thus. Except for a brief period in the 1970s, when Hollywood was totally off-balance, the most popular American films of any period have been the most crowd-pleasing. Sure, the genres that are popular change, and we have a brighter view of the old days because we tend to only remember the great films (millions of hours of total garbage movies have faded from our collective consciousness, leaving entire decades looking like higher points than they truly were), but you can go back to the very beginning of Hollywood and find intellectuals and the artistically-inclined grousing about the base, commercial nature of major motion pictures. People have been saying 'They don't make ‘em like they used to' ever since the second day that they were making em.”
-Devin Faraci

“You see? I have the run of this place."
"Run? More like the zombie shuffle."
-Stephen Cole, Thieves Like Us (1937)

“I’m not superstitious. I’m a witch. Witches aren’t superstitious. We are what people are superstitious of.”

“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”

“Magic is mostly movin’ stuff around.”

“If you want something done, give it to someone who's busy!”

They think I can see into their hearts, but no witch can do that.  Not without surgery, at least.”
-Terry Pratchett, Wintersmith

“We sit down on the living room couch and hold each other, gaze out of the window, waiting for the infant between us to wake up from death. After a couple of days, it begins to smell. The flies are getting to it. The sun is setting in the wrong direction.”
-Carlton Mellick III

“When I’m with her I believe it. When I start to figure, it all goes hooey.”
-James M. Cain, The Postman Always Rings Twice

“The literature about booms and busts tends to be written in a tone of Olympian detachment by some presumably omniscient narrator with a gift for rendering the folly of man. The writer of these histories is usually amused, wryly; his reader, he assumes, shares his knowingness, understands that markets were ever thus, there is nothing new under the Wall Street sun, etc. Everything, in retrospect, is obvious. But if everything were obvious, authors of histories of financial folly would be rich. They’d spare themselves the trouble of making their living by writing books and articles about the financial folly and open hedge funds.”
-Michael Lewis, Panic

"Ice is forming on the tips of my wings
Unheeded warnings, I thought I thought of everything
No navigator to find my way home
Unladen, empty and turned to stone
A soul in tension that's learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try"
-Pink Floyd, “Learning to Fly”

“Forget the glamour and mumble a jackhammer
Under your breath”
-Faith No More, “Caffeine”

“I think all introductions to Neil Gaiman’s work will always be misleading, he said, talking about himself in the third person which proves he’s finally gone mad after being in a windowless, mirrored-ceiling room too long.”

“The problem with my stuff– and also the strength of my stuff– is that whatever you read first, the rest of it won’t be quite like that, though it’s all come out of the same head.”
-Neil Gaiman

Husband: I had an on-the-job injury, which I won’t go into the details of here.
Wife: He shot himself in the scrotum with a bottle rocket.
Interviewer: Huh. Well, getting back to…
Wife: Do you have any idea how much pus a burned scrotum can produce?
Interviewer: No.
Wife: Most people don’t.
-Dave Barry’s Money Secrets

“I'm a substitute for another guy
I look pretty tall but my heels are high
The simple things you see are all complicated
I look pretty young, but I'm just backdated”
-The Who, “Substitute”

“Living legends are a dying breed, there ain’t too many left. To tell the truth I ain’t been feeling real hot lately my damn self.”
-Waylon Jennings

“During Prohibition, [my grandfather] used to hide his shine in the basement of the county courthouse, because it was the last place the authorities would think to look. “
-Brian Keene

“It ain’t what they call you, it's what you answer to.”
-W.C. Fields

“When I die...you stay away from my funeral.”
-Spongebob Squarepants

“I don't wanna have to shout it out
I don't want my hair to fall out
I don't wanna be filled with doubt
I don't wanna be a good boy scout
I don't wanna have to learn to count
I don't wanna have the biggest amount
I don't wanna grow up”
-Tom Waits, “I Don’t Wanna Grow Up”

“Pray for deft towel management.”

“Thoughtful details such as little trays for storing jewelery are undermined by making us hang our coats in a jacket-length space, beside our muddy boots.”

“Who has time to wade through page after page of non-surgical facelifts and triple detox wraps?”

“Can we just have a nice cotton robe that fits, please?”
-Lisa Johnson, an article about luxury spas

“You’re a kite dancing in a hurricane.”
-Spectre

"The problem with being an adult is that, if you're in the wrong and you're being chastised for being in the wrong, you will lash out, because that scenario reminds you of being a child. But you're not a child any more, are you? You're a big bad grown-up...But don't let that pride get in the way of common sense: if you know you're being a dick, just apologize and that'll be the end of it. No more slammed doors, no more tears, no more having to maintain the act that you're annoyed when really all you want to do is just be normal again, because being pissed off is actually incredibly boring."
-Vice.com

"Mommy's alright, daddy's alright,
They just seem a little weird."
-Cheap Trick


"He was beaten to death...with a copy of Atlas Shrugged."
"That's that big novel by Ayn Rand?"
"That's the one."
"'Ayn' rhymes with 'sane'?"
"Rhymes with 'mine.'"
-Matt Ruff, Sewer, Gas & Electric: The Public Works Trilogy

“You see how I live: shadows and silence, leaving things as I find them because I have no reason to disturb them. But there are things that I have known, even though I never wished to know them and cannot give them a name.”
-Thomas Ligotti, Grimscribe

"Be cheerful while you are alive."
-Ptah-hotep, 24th century B.C.E.

"Soon the FBI will have a Thousand Most Wanted List. Our heroes will be hunted like beasts in the jungle."
-Abbie Hoffman, Steal This Book

"Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth, to see it like it is and to tell it like it is, to find the truth, to speak the truth, and to live with the truth. That's what we'll do."
-Richard Nixon, accepting the Republican nomination for president, 1968

“With the increase in crime during the past decade has come a corresponding increase in crime prevention. Or perhaps it is vice versa.”

“For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting. It would be all right if we were Spanish peasants and could strum guitars and hum, or even stab each other, while we were standing in line.”

“I have now reached an age when I feel that I am pretty well able to take care of myself against animate enemies. By ‘animate enemies’ I mean living people, like burglars, drunks, or police- people who set out with a definite idea in their minds of getting me.”
-Robert Benchley, No Poems, or Around the World Backwards & Sideways

“And how about your ability to predict the future of your own relationships? Most relationships end badly, so we know that the majority of Americans are not good at predicting the future. Have all of your relationships worked out the way you expected? Mine haven’t.

“I think you’ll agree that humans are terrible at predicting the future. But that’s not the problem. The problem is that we think we are not terrible at predicting the future. Our certainty in the face of overwhelming uncertainty is irrational.”
-Scott Adams

“What he lacked in personality, he more than made up for in saliva.”

“None of this is real. There's a man with a typewriter…”
-Deadpool (Comic)

”Everything is possible, but nothing is real.”

“You gave me fortune, you gave me fame
You gave me power in your god's name
I'm every person you need to be
I'm the cult of personality.”

-Living Colour

“There are no flowers on your grave,
There are no chains.”
-Amorphis


“My brain is hanging upside down
I need something to slow me down”

-Ramones, “Bonzo Goes to Bitburg”

“Tanya’s eyes finally fell on me. The disdain in her gaze was almost tactile.”

“A smile lit up his face as he squeezed my hand and placed a kiss on my forehead. A kiss that let loose a dozen butterflies in my stomach.”

“Despite my guilt, my body was still quivering, a veil of panic still upon me.”

“Everything about the scene was so romantic. The moon, the stars, the sugary beaches… I wished that by magic we’d already gone past the stage of getting together and he would just take me in his arms and kiss me now.”

“I opened my eyes and looked up at him. And I wished I hadn’t. His dreamy blue eyes looking down at me with concern just made me yearn for him even more. I pushed away the sheets, and without saying a word, walked out onto the balcony.
Leaning over the railing and looking down at the ground below, I felt him approach behind me. “I don’t know how I forgot.”
“It’s okay,” I said quietly, afraid if I spoke louder my voice might crack.
“No, it’s not. And I can see that it’s not. I need to make it up to you somehow.””

“It was all I could do to keep my voice from breaking, my lips from trembling with disappointment. I acted as cool as I could.”

“I just wanted sleep to take me, to wash away the memories of today and hopefully bring in a brighter tomorrow. But I couldn’t. I kept thinking of Ben. And his blonde, bikini-clad ex.”

“They only ever saw the side of Camilla that my father saw. A dutiful housewife, devoted to her only daughter. They didn’t know that when the house became silent but for her and my breathing, a different woman emerged.”

“As the years passed and I entered high school, I often thought about the last words I remembered Camilla speaking to me. She’d said that I should expect life to dish out my fair share of surprises...But then I met Derek Novak. He, certainly, was a surprise that was far from fair…”
-Bella Forrest, A Shade of Vampire

“Loyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify. Because the players are always changing, the team can move to another city. You’re actually rooting for the clothes when you get right down to it. You are standing and yelling and cheering for your clothes to beat the clothes from another city.”
-Jerry Seinfeld

“Now that our ferocious grandfathers have driven off the bears and killed the barbarians, male ferocity just complicates life in the family and community.”
-Jon Gottschall, The Professor in a Cage


-Compiled by Phony McFakename

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Legal disclaimer: Me am on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and YouTube and even Pinterest if that's your thing. And me books am on Amazon and Barnes & Noble and Kobo and probably some other places, too.

Monday, June 13, 2016

Cinemasterworks: Guest Post by Jack Balfour

One of my favorite writers has not published much online. He is mostly active on the Something Awful forums. But I am lucky enough to read his writing in the form of emails and Facebook messages. And this week, he gave me a truly special assessment of a truly special work of art that is truly worthy of Craptastique.

So just for the funz, I am having him on here as a guest blogger. The words that follow are his. Only the words in italics that you are currently are mine. Enjoy! (My words end...now!)

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Yesterday, I observed what I believe was a movie (or film, as some call it). From the proceedings, it appeared that a large group of people contrived a series of set-pieces designed to convey the elements of a story.

There were sets- that is, locations that were either chosen for their inherent qualities or fabricated entirely- which were then decorated. Some people stood in and/or moved about in those sets, wearing clothes that they would not have worn under normal circumstances, and said things that I believe were scripted rather than extemporaneous. Sometimes these people were in situations which appeared to be confrontational or dangerous or both, but I believe these encounters were prearranged.

The proceedings were recorded using cameras and microphones, then packaged for consumption. I know this because I observed them on my television, the medium through which I normally enjoy movies and television programs. The proceedings were a fairly unbroken narrative lasting more than 100 minutes, well into the normal running time for a movie, rather than a television show.

The scenes depicted people talking to one another, and doing things, sometimes together or in opposition to each other. At some point, they stopped talking and doing things, and the experience was concluded but for a list of people involved, which I assume were credits. 

The title of these proceedings was Super Mario Brothers, and I am almost certain that it was a movie.

-Jack Balfour
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Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Literateur: The Mötliest of Crües

I was always a pretty casual Crüe fan. My older brother cranked Dr. Feelgood a whole lot and I was aware of their 80's hits.

So I didn't race out to the nearest Waldenbooks or Borders or B. Dalton to get The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band back in the halcyon brick-and-mortar bookstore days of 2001.
But enough people have mentioned it over the years that I finally got curious. Curiosity: rewarded.

There's a lot to unpack here. But first- in case you're asking, "What's Mötley Crüe?" Short answer: a decadent 80's heavy metal/ hard rock band. (They kept making music through the 90's and beyond, but I'm not familiar with any of that latter period stuff.)

You've probably heard OF their songs, even if you haven't heard them- "Home Sweet Home," "Same ol' Situation," "Smokin' in the Boys' Room," "Looks That Kill," "Shout at the Devil," "Piece of Your Action," "Wild Side," "Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)," "Too Young to Fall in Love," "Girls, Girls, Girls," "Dr. Feelgood" (favorite), "Primal Scream" (second favorite), "Kickstart My Heart" (third favorite), "Without You," etc.

Their drummer married Heather Locklear in the 80's and Pamela Anderson in the 90's. He probably married the hottest blonde in the 00's, as well, but that falls outside the purview of this 2001 book.

Their lead singer is the notorious rocker you may have heard about who killed Hanoi Rocks' drummer in a 1986 drunk-driving incident.

They basically invented the glam metal genre. They were emulating the legendary but short-lived 70's punk band New York Dolls with their look and attitude. But taking it to the realm of heavy metal- that was their innovation. All the hairspray and makeup that metal bands drowned themselves in throughout the 80's can be traced back to these jokers.

The Dirt tells their story from the perspective of every band member, often circling around the truth and sometimes even hitting it. We get a few chapters from outside perspectives to lend balance- their managers, their label representatives, ex-members, and the Elektra CEO that the bassist vigorously trash-talked in the press.

And the book is funny. Every chapter starts with a brief hoity-toity Dickensian summary, like "CHAPTER 4- IN WHICH OUR HEROES DISCOVER THE QUOTIDIAN DILEMMA OF EXCESS TIME AND INADEQUATE SELF-CONTROL."

An easy summary would be: they drank, drugged, shagged a lot of groupies, got into shenanigans, and had disastrous attempts at families and relationships.

Now in fairness, the band sobered up together for recording and touring Dr. Feelgood- which probably explains how amazing that album is- but up to that point, they were all full-blown alcoholics or helpless junkies, constantly nodding off in public or starting fights or wrecking everything in sight.

But their stories from that time come across as more sad and mundane than celebratory. There's a handful of disturbing anecdotes about drunk women backstage, OD'ing on heroin, and disgusting things they witnessed (like Ozzy Osbourne snorting a line of live ants and licking up a puddle of urine). At times, it feels less like a band bio and more a true crime book.

But they never seem to glorify any of it or make it sound awesome. They freely admit that they were inundating themselves with sensation to cover up the emptiness they felt inside. (Except for drummer Tommy Lee, who was mostly a happy-go-lucky ne'er-do-well.) They all came from messed-up families and continued to make messed-up families of their own because they didn't know any better.

Bassist Nikki Sixx is revealed as the band's mastermind, writing nearly all of their songs during his rare not-completely-blitzed moments. He openly admits that their 3rd and 4th albums- Theatre of Pain and Girls, Girls, Girls- were garbage and he was embarrassed when they went multi-platinum.

Vince Neil and Tommy Lee both come across as unreliable narrators, as they constantly contradict each other and are accused by others- in the band and outside- as being narcissists and liars. They do the most he-said, he-said snarking of the bunch. So their stories are always interesting, albeit dubious.

There's a revelation halfway through the book about Mick Mars, their low-key, grouchy guitarist. He's a minor character up to that point and doesn't say much about the band, its members, or...anything. He's older than the rest of band members and doesn't party, just minds his own business for the most part.

Well, he spent so much time alone because...(SPOILER) he had chronic pain issues. Ankylosing spondylitis. (Google it, it's horrifying.) The poor guy's bones were heavy as concrete and fused together, giving him a constant hunched posture.

And he never told anyone about it. He just let them think he was weird and solitary, when in fact he was struggling with constant physical agony. Fascinating.

But the two grabby parts of the book that merit discussion here are a) drummer Tommy Lee's thoughts on having children with Pamela Anderson and b) singer Vince Neil losing his four-year-old son to cancer.

I'll address the latter first- the singer discussing how his son's slow death affected him and his ex-wife is totally heartbreaking. His grief and pain are inconceivable and I found myself turning the pages with dread at the thought of something like that happening to my own child.

Tommy Lee married Pamela Anderson because he could. But he genuinely wanted kids with her. He loved kids. But he says once they had kids, he got ignored while all of his wife's attention went to the children. And he bitterly claims this is just how life is- once a woman has kids, the marriage as you know it is over and the woman naturally gives the child all her unconditional love.

This is incredibly sad and wrong-headed. That's a horrible cultural assumption and an awful way to look at life, marriage, and love. If you neglect your spouse or disregard them in favor of your kids, what kind of message are you sending your kids? Is that the kind of relationship or family you want your kids to grow up and have?

When I got married, the officiant told my wife and I to always make sure our kids knew that we loved each other more than we loved our kids. And we've stood by that.

We are NOT here to sacrifice everything, including each other, for our kids. We're here to love our spouses and be good and kind to them and do the best we can to raise our kids. But our kids should not be our whole world.

It left me wanting to sit Tommy Lee down and tell him the following: "Dude- find someone who can value you over your kids. And make sure you're contributing equally as a parent." (We're not reading Pamela Anderson's take on this relationship- I wouldn't be surprised if she was annoyed with Lee for slacking on childcare work. Changing diapers isn't as fun as getting wasted and playing drums.)

The book ends on a surprisingly heart-warming note, implying emotional healing and life going on and maturity and growth. (Except for in the life of the singer, who's like, "I'm not sorry for any of it, and I'm gonna keep on keepin' on.")

And little did I realize it, but Mötley Crüe just retired a few months ago. Here's Nikki Sixx's farewell speech from the final concert.

Happy trails and godspeed, you wonderful, horrible people.

Here are some choice quotes from the book:

“We were Mötley Crüe, we had a platinum record, and we were bigger than the New York Dolls ever were.  We were young, f**ked up, and worshiped for it.  Words like consequences, responsibility, morality, and self-control didn’t apply to us.  Or so we thought.”

“They weren’t like Poison, who raised hell because they thought that was what rock stars should be doing.  Mötley Crüe did stupid things because they were Mötley Crüe.  There was no reason for anything, just a Mötley reason.  They didn’t even have to try: Their life was rock-and-roll life.”

“I understood then why rock stars have such big egos: from the stage, the world is just one faceless, shirtless, obedient mass, as far as the eye can see.”

“I had always thought that age and success had enabled me to overcome the shyness and low self-esteem I had developed from constantly switching homes and schools as a kid, but in reality I hadn’t changed at all.  I had just drowned those feelings in heroin and alcohol.  As a human being, I had never really learned how to act or behave.”

“My dreams had come true, but they weren’t what I thought they would be.”

“I had thrived on attention ever since I was a kid doing things like opening up my window so that neighbors could hear me play guitar.  In some sick sense, as much as I loved Pamela, she was also the guitar that I wanted to show all the neighbors I knew how to play.  Only it turned out that I couldn’t play it that well.  When the lights dim and the disco biscuits are gone and you’re sitting alone in a house with another person, only then does a relationship begin; and it will succeed if you can work through your problems and learn to enjoy the other person for who they really are without all the pats on the back and thumbs up from your bros.  Perhaps that’s why celebrity relationships are so difficult:  everybody puts you both on such a high pedestal that it almost seems like a disappointment when, at the end of the day, you discover that you’re just two human beings with the same emotional defects and mother-father issues as everybody else.”

“It was the first step toward straightening out all the crooked roads of my past.  I never realized before that I had the power to break the chain of secrecy and dishonesty and irresponsibility that I had inherited.  And I could do that simply by having a solid relationship with my wife and family, so that my children wouldn’t spend their lives lost and hiding from everything like I had.”


-Phony McFakename

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Legal disclaimer: Me am on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and YouTube and even Pinterest if that's your thing. And me books am on Amazon and Barnes & Noble and Kobo and probably some other places, too.