Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Favorite Quotes: September 2017



"Man is a god in ruins.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Lookee here, hot shot. You can forget your plans, man. ‘Cause we’re gonna stop you. Gonna stop you cold.”

“I don’t like the life you’re leading.”
“Well, it’s MY LIFE, dad!”
-Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo

"The Canal was frozen in its concrete sluice like a frozen river of rose-milk, its surface humped and cracked and cloudy. It was moveless yet completely alive in this harshly puritanical winterlight; it had its own unique and difficult beauty."

"We laughed a lot back then...We were afraid all the time, but we couldn't stop laughing, any more than I can stop now."

"I'm the Turtle, son. I made the universe, but please don't blame me for it; I had a bellyache."
-Stephen King, It

"Speak then and ask the forest and the loam.
What do you hear? What does the land command?
The earth is taken: this is not your home."
-Karl Shapiro, "Travelogue for Exiles"

“Science fiction is supposed to be about the future. Why are its fans so obsessed with the past?”
-Con Man

“This place reeks of death and negative vibrations, and yet you walk around is if nothing had happened!”

“You’re asking me to forget everything I ever knew about physics! I’m not ready to do that!”
-Video Demons Do Psychotown

“You're nobody's rainbow.
You're nobody's princess.
You're nobody's doorway but your own, and the only one who gets to tell you how your story ends is you.”
-Seanan McGuire

“It’s hammer time.”
-Shaquille O’Neal, holding a hammer in Steel (1997)

(Answering phone)?“Hello?...I’m sorry, but the doctor died of rectal hemorrhaging...Would you like his voice mail?”
-Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV

“His lips were melting together, but he didn’t seem to notice.”

“At twilight, I carried buckets of my wife out for burial.“
-Carlton Mellick III, Sunset with a Beard

“There are an infinity of angles at which one falls, only one at which one stands.”
-G.K. Chesterton

“What will we do as the earth is set loose from the sun?”
-Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science



Also this doesn't really warrant an entry of its own, so here, these are some graphic novels (or "comic books," for all you snobs) that I've read and enjoyed lately:


Small Gods     Ray Friesen

Black Panther v.2: A Nation Under Our Feet            Ta-Nehisi Coates
Creepshow      Stephen King
Ghostbusters: Total Containment       Erik Burnham
Parasyte, Trilogy          Hitosi Iwaaki
Batman, v.10: Epilogue          Scott Snyder
Harrow County, v.5    Cullen Bunn
One Punch Man, v.1  ONE
Spill Zone        Scott Westerfield
All Star Batman, v.1   Scott Snyder


-Phony McFakename


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I exist on Twitter and Facebook and InstagramAnd my books are on Amazon and Barnes & Noble and Kobo and probably some other places, too.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Literateur: "Heavy Metal Scientology Aliens" by Phony McFakename

Here it is. My new book. The one you've been waiting for. The one people have actually asked me about.

Heavy Metal Scientology Aliens.

Yes, it's real. And its awesomeness might just make your brain explode. Read it at your own risk!

Here's the pitch:

If you ever wanted to get away from your ho-hum life...

You might as well time-travel back to 1987 to hang with the bands in Decline of Western Civilization II: The Metal Years, right?

Seems like a cool idea, innocent enough fun, but...it causes a rift in time and space! Alien invaders tear through and start destroying everything in sight!

It's up to the combined forces of Scientologists and the cheesiest heavy metal band of all time to defeat these aliens once and for all!

But only if you truly believe in metal...

Enjoy!


-Phony McFakename

* * *

I exist on Twitter and Facebook and InstagramAnd my books are on Amazon and Barnes & Noble and Kobo and probably some other places, too.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

That Equifax Hack: What to Actually DO

Alright, you've already read all the articles about the Equifax hack and how it's catastrophically, apocalyptically horrible, how all your personal info is now out there in the hands of crooks and ID thieves, and there's nothing left for you to do but despair and rage against Equifax's awfulness at every step of this scandal.

Cool, we got all that covered. Now let's move on to what you can actually DO about it.

Most articles and sites are recommending that you sign up for fraud protection/alerts, but those are reactive and will just tell you after-the-fact when someone has wrecked your credit or taken out a loan or credit card in your name. Same applies to monitoring the credit sites on your own.

You need to do preemptive things. 

So this is my as-simple-as-possible guide with action items (and links) for dealing with the hack, since you were probably affected. 

1. Freeze Your Credit

Freezing your credit preemptively blocks any financial fraud from happening. Yes, there are fees involved ($10 for Transunion and Experian, probably cheaper than ID theft and legal fees). Google "credit freeze" if you want the pros and cons of the process. But if you're feeling bold and zippy, go ahead and freeze your credit at all major bureaus:

Equifax
Phone: 1 800 685 1111
Equifax Security Freeze, P.O. Box 105788, Atlanta, Georgia 30348

Experian
Phone: 1 888 397 3742
Mail: Experian Security Freeze, P.O. Box 9554, Allen, Texas 75013

TransUnion
Phone 888 909 8872
Mail: TransUnion LLC, P.O. Box 2000, Chester, PA 19022

Innovis (smaller, new bureau)
Phone: 1 800 540 2505
In person: 875 Greentree Road, 8 Parkway Center Pittsburgh, PA 15220

2. Make life more difficult for ID thieves targeting you

There's a company called ChexSystems, they look for fraud committed in your name. Many, many banks rely on ChexSystems for customer verification on new checking and savings accounts. Give them a yell and have them place a security alert for you on their credit data to make it harder for ID thieves to open accounts in your name. This is their site.

3. Stop companies from sending you dangerous credit card offers by mail

You know all those awful pre-approved credit card offers you get in the mail? Those are catnip for ID thieves. They scour your trash (sometimes your mailbox) and steal them, fill them out in your name, and start credit cards using your info.

Good news, though! You can opt out of getting those spammy offers for five years or for life.

To opt out for five years: Call toll-free 1-888-5-OPT-OUT (1-888-567-8688) or visit www.optoutprescreen.com. Both resources are operated by the major consumer reporting companies.

To opt out permanently: You can begin online at www.optoutprescreen.com. To finish the request, you have to return the signed Permanent Opt-Out Election form, which is only provided after you initiate your online request.

4. Monitor your credit

To stay on top of your credit, set an alert to request your credit report every 120 days from here: annualcreditreport.com

5. And if you found this helpful, buy my new book Heavy Metal Scientology Aliens
Yes, it is as awesome and entertaining as it sounds. Get one for you, and one for the heavy metal-loving friend in your life.


-Phony McFakename

* * *

I exist on Twitter and Facebook and InstagramAnd my books are on Amazon and Barnes & Noble and Kobo and probably some other places, too.