“We
are in fact living in the post-perspective age, where everything is the worst
possible thing that could happen because we can’t put anything into perspective
anymore.”
-The
Annoyed Librarian
"What
are you gonna do?"
"I'm
gonna punch his butt!"
"And
then what?"
"I'm
gonna kick him!"
"Where
are you gonna kick him?"
"Probably...the butt again!"
"Okay,
let's get away from the butt."
-Home
Movies
"There's
so many of us. Let's have a war."
-Fear
“In
five years, we’ll all be working for him…or dead by his hand.”
"An
angry God is punishing them. It's a Christmas miracle!"
"Break
a leg, Trey!"
"That
shouldn't be hard, I have a severe calcium deficiency."
"He's
a Mormon. You know how they are about Leap Day."
-30
Rock
“Sure
we humans might seem like sexy nubile creatures most of the time, but when you
think about it, we’re really just sweaty blobs of gross. Why the hell do we
bother having sex with each other? There’s creating children, sure, but how
many kids do we really need? Two or three? Couldn’t we just divide like amoebas
or something?”
-Carlton
Mellick III, The Tick People
“She
reached up and lightly touched my ears with her cold fingers. The sound of the
wind was shut out, and when her hands came away it never came back. She touched
my eyes, shut out all the light, and I saw no more.
“We
live in the lovely quiet and dark.”
-John
Varley, The Persistence of Vision
"I
sometimes marvel that a third-rate writer like me has been able to palm himself
off as a second-rate writer."
-John
Collier
“Something
looked at him. With its mouth. It had eaten most of its own eyes.”
“If
you are wise, Matson said to himself grimly, you never take one-way trips.
Anywhere. Even to Boise, Idaho...even across the street. Be certain, when you
start, that you can scramble back.”
“Her
tone was withering, and, in Rachmael’s auditory percept-system, the ferocity of
it created for a moment a visual hellscape, mercifully fitful in stability; it
hovered, superimposed across the surface of the plastic kitchen table,
involving the syn-cof cups, the shaker of sweetex and small simulated silver
pitcher of reconstituted organic butter in suspension- he witnessed impotently
the fusion of the harmless panorama of conventional artifacts into a tabular
scene of dwarfed obscenity, of shriveled and deranged indecent entanglement
among the various innocent things.”
-Philip
K. Dick, Lies, Inc.
"World destruction, kaboom, kaboom, kaboom!"
-Time Zone
"The
day that Mr. MacGregor lost the locomotive was a confusing one for our
accountants. They didn't know whom to charge it to."
"Does
the average man get enough sleep? What is enough sleep? What is the average
man? What is 'does'?"
"Of
course, every government has spies in every other country, and every other
country knows about them."
"If
there is one thing that I resent (and there is), it is to be told that I resent
being told anything. It drives me crazy."
"The
wise man thinks once before he speaks twice."
"It's
alright with me if people want to construct robots to do the work of men. In
fact, I could use a good robot right this minute. But I can't see the sense of
making robot rats."
-Robert
Benchley, My Ten Years in a Quandary
"Pittsburgh-
you shall be avenged!"
-John
Byrne, The Pitt
“Before
[Sam Kinison and I] took off the captain came over the intercom, as is the custom
on airplanes. ‘Good morning,’ the captain said. ‘This is your captain, Pat
Johnson, and we will be flying-’ and Sam gave out a wild scream: ‘NOOOOOO!!!!!
NOT CRASH JOHNSON! NOT CRASH JOHNSON!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!’ Well,
it was about the funniest thing I’d ever heard, the idea that this captain had
been in so many accidents that his nickname was Crash. That just busted me up
and I started laughing and couldn’t stop. Of course, nobody else found it funny
at all- it caused quite an alarm- and Sam got himself a good talking-to by the
girls that bring you the little drinks.”
“In
the future, everyone will be anonymous for fifteen minutes.”
“When
[Dirty Work] finally opened, the critics were split. Some hated it, while
others hated its guts. But it didn’t matter to the public. On its opening
weekend, Dirty Work grossed 250 million dollars.”
“Death
is a funny thing. Not funny, haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange,
like a Woody Allen marriage.”
“Many
times, young people will approach me to ask me how to make it in show business,
and I always offer the same foolproof advice. Just remember three little words:
‘Meet Adam Sandler.’ The rest pretty much takes care of itself...I’ve never
thanked Adam for doing [so much] for me or told him how lost I’d be without his
generosity. And I never will either. That’s because I’m a self-made man.”
“I
always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punchline
were identical.”
“You
know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for
him.”
“I
was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I
looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I
was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me
and go, what are you, zero? And I'd go, no, I'm one over here!”
-Norm MacDonald
“FOR
I CAN SEE THE BALANCE AND YOU HAVE LEFT THE WORLD MUCH BETTER THAN YOU FOUND
IT, AND IF YOU ASK ME, said Death, NOBODY COULD DO ANY BETTER THAN THAT. . . .”
“Being
a witch is a man’s job: that’s why it needs women to do it.”
“Dreams
that come true are not always the right dreams. Does wearing a glass slipper
lead to a comfortable life? If everything you touch turns into marshmallows,
won’t that make things a bit . . . sticky?”
-Terry
Pratchett, The Shepherd’s Crown
“The
laughter of the world is merely loneliness pathetically trying to reassure
itself.”
“No
love is ever wasted. Its worth does not lie in reciprocity. ”
“Never
give up what you want most for what you want today.”
-Neal
A. Maxwell
“‘Is
it, by chance, Rumpelstiktskin?’
“‘The
devil told you that! The devil told you that!’ shrieked the little man. And in
his rage he stamped his right foot into the ground so deep that he sank up to
his waist. Then in his rage he seized his left leg with both hands and tore
himself asunder in the middle.”
“His
son married the beautiful maiden he had brought home with him as a flower, and
for all I know they may be living still.”
“First
she thought she would not go to the wedding, but then she felt she should have
no peace until she went and saw the bride. And when she saw her she knew her
for Snow-White, and could not stir from the place for anger and terror. For
they had ready red-hot iron shoes, in which she had to dance until she fell
down dead.”
“Henceforth,
for his sins the King had to row back and forth forever. And perhaps he is
still ferrying, for no one has yet taken the oar from him.”
“As
the bridal party was going to the church, the elder was on the right side, the
younger on the left, and the doves picked out one of the eyes of each of them.
Afterwards, when they were coming out of the church, the elder was on the left,
the younger on the right, and the doves picked out the other eye of each of
them. And so for their wickedness and falseness they were punished with
blindness for the rest of their days.”
-Grimm’s
Fairy Tales
"You
know that whole moving along with your life thing?...Do I have to?"
-Friends
“But
what should we do when the highborn and wealthy take to crime? Indeed, if a
poor man will spend a year in prison for stealing out of hunger, how high would
the gallows need to be to hang the rich man who breaks the law out of greed?”
“Cheery
was aware that Commander Vimes didn't like the phrase 'The innocent have
nothing to fear', believing the innocent had everything to fear, mostly from
the guilty but in the longer term even more from those who say things like 'The
innocent have nothing to fear'.”
“…
you were so worried about legal and illegal that you never stopped to think
about whether it was right or wrong.”
“Vimes's
lack of interest in other people's children was limitless.”
“Well,
the news has got around. The Duchess of Keepsake has invited us to a ball, Sir
Henry and Lady Withering have invited us to a ball, and Lord and Lady
Hangfinger have invited us to... yes, a ball."
"Well,
that's a lot of..."
"Don't
you dare, Sam.”
“If
there were such a thing as an inter-city thieving contest, Ankh-Morpork would
bring home the trophy and probably everyone’s wallets.”
-Terry
Pratchett, Snuff
“None
of this is remotely possible.”
“Best
not to dwell on it or you could drive yourself mad. Best not to look up either.
Or down. Or into the shadows. Basically do not look at anything for long unless
you want your eyeballs to melt out of your skull.”
-Jason
Aaron, Doctor Strange: The Way of the Weird
“She
heard him mutter, 'Can you take away this grief?'
'I'm
sorry,' she replied. 'Everyone asks me. And I would not do so even if I knew
how. It belongs to you. Only time and tears take away grief; that is what they
are for.”
“Evil
begins when you begin to treat people as things.”
“There
have been times, lately, when I dearly wished that I could change the past.
Well, I can’t, but I can change the present, so that when it becomes the past
it will turn out to be a past worth having.”
“The
sun is simple. A sword is simple. A storm is simple. Behind everything simple
is a huge tail of complicated.”
“These
weren't cheap modern books; these were books bound in leather, and not just
leather, but leather from clever cows who had given their lives for literature
after a happy existence in the very best pastures.”
“Everything
is a test.”
“One
day I'll work out what it is you are saying, my lad, and then you'll be in
trouble.”
-Terry
Pratchett, I Shall Wear Midnight
-
Compiled by Phony McFakename
