I like words. So every few weeks, as a public service, I'll share the words I've enjoyed most. From Twitter,1 books, movies, songs, articles, people, wherever. They will be harvested and archived here.
This is my longest blog ever. And I pretty much didn't write any of it. You are not required to read it. It's only if you like a good epigram or fun quote. Enjoy the words!
* * *
“These days I can muster no enthusiasm for being cleverly rude about a bad book (there are so many bad books, and there are people who loved to write them and loved to read them, and why would I try and spoil anyone’s fun?) and if I am going to read a good book I would rather I were reading it for pleasure and that it did not feel like work.”
-Neil Gaiman, “A Little Gold Book of Ghastly Stuff”
“It was a forest of death, a nightmare, fungous forest...that sobbed in agony at the bright torches, and rocked to and fro in all the unholy rottenness.”
Mearle Prout, “The House of the Worm”
“I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s. His hair was perfect.”
-Warren Zevon, “Werewolves of London”
"The Earth was created in six days. So too shall it be destroyed. And on the seventh day mankind will rest...in peace!"
“It cannot be!”
“It can...and it is!”
"Nothing can alter your fate, nor mine."
"I can...and I will!"
"Mortal Kombat is not about death but, rather, the preservation of life."
"I thought we closed those gates."
"What closes can open again."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"I killed you in the tournament!"
"You killed my older brother!"
"Annihilate them!"
"That tattoo- I've seen it before. On a robot and a woman. They both tried to kill me."
"You're alive!"
"Too bad you...will die!"
-"Mortal Kombat: Annihilation"
“Everything is OK in the end. If it’s not OK, then it’s not the end.”
-Anonymous
“In the constant sociability of our age people shudder at solitude to such a degree that they do not know of any other use to put it to but...as a punishment for criminals.”
-Soren Kierkegaard
“One Sunday night my mother reads to Peggotty and me in there how Lazarus was raised up from the dead. And I am so frightened that they are afterwards obliged to take me out of bed, and show me the quiet churchyard out of the bedroom window, with the dead all lying in their graves at rest, below the solemn moon.”
-Charles Dickens, “David Copperfield”
"And then there was the one who said, in her cellphone’s voicemail message, sounding amused as she said it, that she was afraid she had been murdered, but to leave a message and she would get back to us.
"It wasn’t until we read the news, several days later, that we learned that she had indeed been murdered, apparently randomly and quite horribly.
"But then she did get back to each of the people who had left her a message. By phone, at first, leaving cellphone messages that sounded like someone whispering in a gale, muffled wet sounds that never quite resolved into words.
"Eventually, of course, she will return our calls in person."
-Neil Gaiman, “Ghosts in the Machine”
“That was cool. Who do we invade now?”
-American soldier in Iraq, ”Generation Kill”
 |
| Here's a photo of a Killer Klown for no reason. |
“As a storyteller I keep craving shape. I want to give things shape. I want to make things feel like they make sense. Which is, of course, the beautiful illusion of fiction, that everything makes sense and that there was a purpose, that there was a point to it all. And that’s the best possible lie because it may even be true.”
-Neil Gaiman
“Teenage angst has paid off well.”
-Kurt Cobain, “Serve the Servants”
“Any of you morons screw this up and I will hack your entire family tree into kindling and burn you atop the pile.”
-Jason Aaron, “X-Men: Schism”
[Brandon Sanderson] How do you make these work? How do you make... How do you write an ending like that, that then people say, "That is terrible. I want to read more." instead of "That is terrible. I'm never touching this again."
[Chuckles]
[Dan Wells] What I did with John Cleaver is determined first of all that all of the books would be tragedies, but that he would still get to succeed in them. One line that I'm particularly proud of at the end of Mr. Monster is... He's defeated the bad guy, he's defeated the villain, but he's not happy and his life still sucks and he says, "I slayed the dragon, but i didn't get the princess." That's kind of how his life goes. He does great things, and he helps people, but that doesn't make him happier. It leaves people with this sense of conclusion. You have raised an issue and you have solved that issue, but you also kind of ruined this kid's life in the process.
[Howard] I'm sorry, Mario, our princess is in another castle.
[Laughter]
[Mary] I think part of that... And this is, I think, true with John Cleaver as well. But in horror novels, a lot of times... Or horror stories, but what I'll see with people who are early writers or things that fail is that it is... The hero has not... The hero has to earn a happy ending, but they also have to earn a tragic ending.
-”Writing Excuses” Podcast
“That bear tore off his head like so much volleyballs!”
-Chris Farley, “Saturday Night Live”
"I am a brain, Watson. The rest of me is a mere appendix."
"Come at once if convenient - if inconvenient come all the same."
"Rubbish, Watson, rubbish! What have we to do with walking corpses who can only be held in their grave by stakes driven through their hearts?"
-Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, “The Casebook of Sherlock Holmes”
“Look me in the eyes. I wanna watch your lights go out.”
-”True Detective”
“Do you know what separates you from Hamlet? Four hundred years. That’s it. We all share his condition of feeling vulnerable, scared, conflicted, pressured. We also share his courage, integrity , pride, sense of honor, and deep desire for justice. We are all heroes in our own tragedies.”
-”Shakespeare Saved My Life”
“I can’t drive. I’m a goose.”
-”Cinderella” (2015)
“The gigantic abomination...was soon to smother the world with its saprophytic obscenity.”
-Bertram Russell, “The Scourge of B’Moth”
“As we neared the sepulchral tenebrosity of Heath House, a hollowness crept into her laughter.”
C. Hall Thompson, “Spawn of the Green Abyss”
“If ever I made known to another mortal the slightest of the secrets I had learned, or mentioned any part or purpose of the awful rites I had seen enacted, my soul would be shattered into a million fragments and these tortured fragments scattered shrieking throughout the entire Cosmos!”
“The next thing that happened was a sound, and it was a chuckling sound of such portentous diabolism.”
-Henry Hasse, “Guardian of the Book”
“To be... or not to be?” [shoots bad guy] “Not to be.”
“You've seen these movies where they say "Make my day" or "I'm your worst nightmare"? Well, listen to this one: rubber baby buggy bumpers!”
-Arnold Schwarzenegger, ”Last Action Hero”
“I went out walking through streets paved with gold
Lifted some stones, saw the skin and bones
Of a city without a soul
I went out walking under an atomic sky
Where the ground won’t turn and the rain it burns
Like the tears when I said goodbye”
-Johnny Cash, “The Wanderer”
“When I wake up, everything will be all right.”
-Alvin Schwartz, “More Scary Stories To Tell in the Dark”
“The bitterness is hard to hide, it smells like homicide.”
-Faith No More
“I live in the weak and the wounded.”
-”Session 9”
“Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids
In fact, it's cold as hell
And there's no one there to raise them.”
-Elton John, “Rocket Man”
“The world little knows or cares the storms through which you have had to pass. It asks only if you brought the ship safely to port.”
-Joseph Conrad
“When does the end of me become the start of you?”
-Tears for Fears, “Change”
dad: "did you know that all the people who live around here aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
me: "really? why not?"
dad: "because they're not dead yet."
-Dad Jokes
“I think I just killed Death.”
-”Supernatural,” Season 10 Finale
“The earth’s history has not even begun. You, your ancestors...you are nothing but a prelude to history. You will all be forgotten if the real history of the world begins...We are all of us, gods and men, but shadows playing puppet parts before the true play begins...Elric...Keep the swords and all of us will be as we had never existed.”
“So be it.”
“We shall be obliterated!”
“Good!”
-Michael Moorcock, “Stormbringer”
“We can’t rewind now, we’ve gone too far.
Internet killed the video star.”
-The Limousines
“As a solution to the various problems you may encounter along the way, let me suggest this: Make Good Art.
It's very simple. But it seems to work. Life fallen apart? Make good art. True love ran off with the milkman? Make good art. Bank foreclosing? Make good art.
Keep moving, learn new skills. Enjoy yourself...Be proud of your mistakes. Well, proud may not be exactly the right word, but respect them, treasure them, be kind to them, learn from them.
And, more important than that, make them.
Make mistakes. Make great mistakes, make wonderful mistakes, make glorious mistakes. Better to make a hundred mistakes than to stare at a blank piece of paper too scared to do anything wrong, too scared to do anything.
-Neil Gaiman
“Against men, he was invincible. He split one heavily armoured warrior from head to crutch, sheared through the saddle and smashed the horse’s backbone apart.”
-Michael Moorcock, “Stormbringer”
“Bloody-beaked hawks soared on the frigid wind.”
-Michael Moorcock, “The Caravan of Forgotten Dreams”
“It has been said that the Golden Age of Rock and Roll was between the ages of twelve and sixteen. It’s a time at which everything seems fresh and new, and styles, fashions, music, and sex are all tied into the great melting pot of adolescence.”
-Neil Gaiman, “Duran Duran: The First Four Years of the Fab Five”
“We all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us...But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it churched out, spanked out, washed out, and combed out...After you go so far away from it, though, you can’t really get it back. You can have seconds of it. Just seconds of knowing and remembering. When people get weepy at movies, it’s because in that dark theater the golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly. Then they come out into the hard sun of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they’re left feeling a little heartsad and not knowing why.”
-Robert R. McCammon, “Boy’s Life”
“It feels like Heaven’s so far away.”
-The Offspring
“Heaven isn’t too far away.”
-Warrant
* * *
1. This will be the longest footnote in the history of blog footnotes. Below is a collection of my favorite quotes from Twitter this past month. There's a lot there. If you're one of the cool people who follow
me on Twitter, you won't see any of this nonsense. You'll only see the stuff I post. So don't be afraid to gawk at me there.
Rob Kutner
@ApocalypseHow Oct 31
MARTIAN NEWS
REPORT: Tiny Humans Practice Deceit to Obtain "Fun-Size" Glucose
Units
Tim Siedell @badbanana Oct 31
PRO TIP:
Halloween is also a good time to go door-to-door around the neighborhood,
asking people to join your network on LinkedIn.
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 31
Fajitas are
on the stove! Every trick-or-treater gets a plate of sizzling hot fajitas.
MKupperman @MKupperman Oct 31
Be careful,
I hear Satanist groups are using Halloween confusion as a cover for their
atrocities
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia Oct 31
Would you
pay to see the Mona Lisa, hidden by a tarp? Or admire a Lamborghini with a cover
over it? That's why I don't wear a mask today.
Tim Siedell @badbanana Oct 31
It's like
kids don't even care that we're celebrating the day vampires discovered
America.
andy levy @andylevy Oct 31
the sign on
my door calling trick-or-treaters “looters” and telling them to read “atlas
shrugged” seems to be working well so far
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw Oct 31
The
important thing to remember this #Halloween: Don't be afraid of zombies.
They're just as tired of us as we are of them.
zandy hartig* *help @zandywithaz Oct 31
Last one:
for Halloween I'm going as "Sexy I've Completely Exhausted this Joke
Structure."
MKupperman @MKupperman Oct 31
Helpful tip:
Keep a bucket of water available in your house to throw over household fires or
your kids if they ask about sex.
John DeVore @JohnDeVore Oct 31
Don't forget
to set your clocks back to depression
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 31
PRO TIP:
Survive any meeting by saying "We need to keep an eye on the emerging
markets" every five to six minutes.
Megan Amram @meganamram Oct 31
Kids, watch
out for razor blades in candy. They're just empty calories!
Brendan O'Hare @brendohare Oct 31
[sees
someone bobbing for apples] There has to be a better way
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w Oct 31
If you have
trouble meeting people, one trick I've found effective is to stand immediately
in front of a busy doorway
Brian Lynch @BrianLynch Oct 31
"Bust
these ghosts!" - The Ghosts Busters, in THE GHOSTSBUSTERS
Brian Lynch @BrianLynch Oct 31
If you like
Halloween movies may i suggest a little seen gem called THE GHOSTBUSTERS which
is about, well, just watch
Brian Lynch @BrianLynch Oct 30
Mike Myers
gets shot 10 times and then exploded but sleeps for a year in an outhouse and
wakes up healed. Science! #Halloween5
Brian Lynch @BrianLynch Oct 30
Watching
HALLOWEEN 5 for the first time. Credit
sequence is someone angrily stabbing a pumpkin.
Myers is getting lazy with his targets.
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien Oct 30
This comes
up every year, but want to confirm: the person behind “Fun Sized” candy bars
has been tried for war crimes, right?
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 30
your MOM's
brand is crisis
Ceej @ceejoyner Oct 30
Assert
dominance over local dads by raking their leaves.
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w Oct 30
I honestly
don't know how much longer I can be expected to go on before I inherit a manor
with a horrifying secret
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw Oct 30
I didn't
think I had abandonment issues but then I caught myself wondering if movies
were leaving Netflix because I did something wrong.
TattleTaleSister @TattleTSister Oct 29
Been busy
living my life to the emptiest.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 29
Smelling my
dad's house on his old belongings and sobbing 'til there are simply no tears
left. Like a boss.
Beau Hartenstine @madcaplaughs30 Oct 29
The best
part about Die Hard With A Vengeance? When the German guy says "rain dogs
and cats" nice try. close but no cigarette.
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien Oct 29
I’ve won
Fantasy Football by never ever playing it.
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia Oct 29
It kills me
that I'll never be ex CIA, or a rogue special ops agent out for justice. I'm
not even a Navy SEAL bent on revenge. This sucks!
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 28
"Hey,
wait a minute! This news report doesn't confirm my preexisting bias! It's
biased!"
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien Oct 28
According to
a new study, 10% of vegetarian “hot dogs” contain meat. So if you’ve ever
enjoyed a vegetarian hot dog, now you know why.
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w Oct 28
I just
realized I'll be able to enrage Star Wars fans by saying I like the new one
more than the originals. I've found a new reason to live
Megan Amram @meganamram Oct 28
Lol at
everyone living their lives like they're not already dead
MKupperman @MKupperman Oct 28
When you
dress up as Frankenstein's monster, you're disrespecting the pain and grief of
victims of botched transplants. Shame on you!
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 28
Danny Elfman
sits at home waiting for his kids' school to call. "I'm SURE they want me
to help with the Halloween concert. They just forgot"
Randi Mayem Singer @rmayemsinger Oct 28
I prefer to
think of my marriage as a 4300-night stand.
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 28
BUZZ: Turn
it off
NEIL: No
BUZZ: It's
been days, TURN IT OFF
NEIL: IF YOU
DIDN'T WANNA HEAR "FLY ME TO THE MOON" MAYBE DON'T GO TO THE MOON
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 28
{Waits for
the zoo tour to walk away}
{Presses my
face against the gate, stares at birds}
"More
like pelican't."
{Gets my
face torn in half}
jonathan katz @jonathan_katz Oct 28
I have given
up my amateur status as a crastinator
Kyle William Bishop @DrWalkingDead Oct 28
Spielberg
does more storytelling with a closeup on a fishing reel that most directors do
in an entire movie. #Jaws
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 28
If Bernie
Sanders doesn't win the election I hope he still gets a job where he yells at
people
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 27
(me,
hollowing out pumpkins for my kids to carve)
More like
"holloween" lol
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 27
1. Put
chocolate pudding in a diaper
2. Dump it
on your head
3. Run out
of a public bathroom yelling "DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO CHANGE A BABY"
SciencePorn @SciencePorn Oct 27
“What do we
want?”
“Time
travel”
“When do we
want it?”
“Irrelevant.”
Brian Lynch @BrianLynch Oct 27
Idea:
SUPERGIRL but with a guy.
pat tobin @tastefactory Oct 27
*drives
crappy car into hell*
ME: Here u
go
SATAN:
What's this, u sold me your soul!
ME: That's
right, my Kia Soul™
SATAN: I've
been had!
Megan Amram @meganamram Oct 27
"Don't
bring a knife to a gun fight. Bring a gun to a gun fight. Bring a gun to a
grocery store. Bring a gun everywhere!!!" - America
Tim Siedell @badbanana Oct 27
For your
Halloween party, I'm going as a guy not going.
Kate Hess @kate_hess Oct 27
Have you
ever gone on a date and realized halfway through its a meeting?
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 27
"Mark
my words, the deed to Primrose Manor shall never be yours! Never!"
"Sir,
I'm gonna ask one more time for your license & registration"
Br&on the Cow @Brampersandon_ Oct 27
GOOD COP:
Surrender or we'll shoot
CROOK: idk
the meaning of surrender!
BAD COP
(looking thru thesaurus): it means to give up
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw Oct 27
I walk up to
a door marked PUSH.
I PULL on
it.
Everyone
laughs.
I hum the
James Bond theme, loudly.
Everyone's
like, okay, he's still cool.
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 27
{Sees
someone take out a cigarette}
ME: Need a
light?
PERSON: Yeah
thanks man
ME. Sure.
*shines a lamp in their face*
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 27
"Sweep
the leg Johnny"
(Johnny
grabs a broom)
"No
Johnny, the other thing"
(a blank
stare)
"The
karate move?" -Karate Kid with a dumb Johnny
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 27
{Heads
outside at a party, sees Dracula smoking an e-cigarette}
ME: Haha
more like vape-pire
DRACULA:
...shut up
Brian Lynch @BrianLynch Oct 26
"And
THIS is where the magic happens." - Hogwarts tour guide, literally
anywhere on campus
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 26
BREAKING:
Authorities follow up bacon advisory with warning about slapping lions in the
face.
Brian Lynch @BrianLynch Oct 26
When Thomas
Edison had the idea for the light bulb, what popped up over his head?
Nick Youssef @NickYoussef Oct 26
I turned off
all my phone notifications. From now on I'm in charge. I'm only going to check
it 12 times a day for 2 hours each time.
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 26
Eating a bin
of chocolate chip cookies but they're from Whole Foods so it's probably just
like eating a barrel of asparagus or something
Rob Kutner @ApocalypseHow Oct 26
Volkswagen's
going to be just fine, once they pretend the smoke has cleared.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 26
Not gonna
name names but it's amazing how many people want to do good work and have nice
things and build comfortable lives for themselves.
Sam Reid @SamReidSays Oct 26
"Were
you raised by wolves?"
No, but that
sounds amazing.
Gerard Mulligan @GerardMulligan1 Oct 26
Man, that
Federal Do Not Call registry is working like a charm.
Brian Lynch @BrianLynch Oct 26
Kudos to
SERENITY for finding a hilarious, fresh spin on the old "airbag going off
a second after the accident" gag.
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia Oct 26
My favorite
thing is when a villain sarcastically claps.
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 26
Just
imagined Celine Dion singing 'The Monster Mash' and had a good chuckle.
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 26
My favorite
fairy tale is the story of The World Without Ringtones
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw Oct 25
Just walked
past Colin Farrell on the street. Managed not to yell, "YOU WERE GREAT ON
TRUE DETECTIVE SEASON 2 DESPITE THE SCRIPT ISSUES!"
MKupperman @MKupperman Oct 25
The most
interesting thing about Green Inferno is that Eli Roth put his cast's Twitter
addresses in the credits next to their names
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 25
ME: How was
your day?
HIPSTER:
Artisan
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 25
What if
Charlie Brown's parents are actually trombones
Matt Haig @matthaig1 Oct 25
(I bloody
love books. The more the world fills itself up with crap new technology the
more books shine like beacons from a better world.)
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 25
Still
haven't heard if CBS is greenlighting the pilot for my inspirational drama,
"New Phone Who Dis?"
Beau Hartenstine @madcaplaughs30 Oct 25
I told this
dude to "get a life" and then he proposed to a very nice girl and had
a very nice family.
MKupperman @MKupperman Oct 24
The
Ghostbusters were actually punishing murder victims a second time. Disgusted
& saddened to see people laughing at this criminal behavior
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia Oct 24
I just
remembered outside.
Lady @ladybroseph Oct 24
What do
people who aren't on Twitter do when they think of something funny? Do they
just chuckle to themselves? No thanks.
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 24
For
Halloween I'm doing what I do every year; standing outside houses, dressed as
the Grim Reaper, pointing at my watch, staring inside.
Ian Abramson @ianabramson Oct 24
The guy who
created Rorschach tests must have spilled some ink and been like
"...mom?"
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe Oct 24
When
choosing a career, the most important consideration is what kind of office you
want to be in when you're at your desk watching YouTube.
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w Oct 23
When I die,
all I ask is for someone to plan a tasteful funeral, write a thoughtful
obituary, and exploit my death for political gain
Jeremy Woodcock @jwPencilAndPad Oct 23
10 years ago
we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, and Johnny Cash. They have since passed away.
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 23
ME: We may
be locked in behind bars, but our souls can be as open as our hearts desire.
PRISON
ROOMMATE: I'm going to kill you in your sleep
Brian Lynch @BrianLynch Oct 23
Sitting down
for a nice hot bowl of Candy Corn Chowder.
Mmmmmmm this was a mistake
Dana Gould @danagould Oct 23
Picking out
a pumpkin is like picking out a partner: you search for the perfect one, then
bring it home and start pulling out its guts.
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia Oct 23
Microwave
taquitos are great but when you factor in the residual sadness generated by
making and looking at them it becomes a tougher call.
Awful Fantasy @AwfulFantasy Oct 23
"The
Robot was super intelligent and totally metal—like Einstein wearing a Slayer
shirt."
Earl Cahill @spackest Oct 23
Got through
about half an article about the importance of mindfulness, but it didn't seem
to help.
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia Oct 22
Uber driver
excitedly told me I had a 4.8 rating and now I'm strutting around like the guy
who cured polio.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 22
Becoming a
parent is the most rewarding way to never ever ever have money again.
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 22
What if you
want to open a Thai restaurant but all 5 legal Thai restaurant names are
already taken.
Paul @FrenulumBreve Oct 22
JUDGE: did
you do it?
DEFENDANT:
no.
PROSECUTOR:
he's lying.
JUDGE: ah,
this is tougher than it looks.
MKupperman @MKupperman Oct 22
Serious
question about The Flash- does he pee and poo super-fast?
Lauren O'Brien @thelaurenobrien Oct 22
My only wish
for this life is to not have a death that ends up featured in a clickbait
slideshow.
Mary Kobayashi @MaryKoCo Oct 22
You could never
own me as hard as the dog who ran up to me, sneezed, then ran away
George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace Oct 22
A fun prank
is to trip someone when they walk past & while they're on the ground you
release the army of bees you've been training since May
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 22
Hosts should
stop introducing women guests as "the lovely..." unless they also
call men "the handsome..."
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w Oct 22
Lying to
police in order to protect my volleyball team
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia Oct 22
There's an
awful lot of white shamans running around out there.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 22
SPOILER
ALERT: Your favorite one-hour drama will slowly become a laughable tangle of
plot holes and forced twists.
daveanthony @daveanthony Oct 22
Paranormal
Activity #49: Uh, The Closet Is Weird.
Brendan O'Hare @brendohare Oct 21
For supper I
will be having snacks
Wesley Chu @wes_chu Oct 21
More and
more people are telling me I look more like an author these days. I think what
they mean is I'm looking more like a crazy person.
Beau Hartenstine @madcaplaughs30 Oct 21
Why would
you ever want to run for president? Seems like it would be awful.
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw Oct 21
It's weird
to think the main #BackToTheFuture prediction that's come true is Crispin
Glover has been replaced with an impostor.
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe Oct 21
Every photo
of a guy taken before 1960 looks like Lee Harvey Oswald.
Robert Shearman @ShearmanRobert Oct 21
Why on earth
is everyone celebrating Back to the Future Day this time round? I don't
remember anyone doing this in 1955.
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 21
[Please
enter password]
Your Defense
Sucked During Smith v. Jones
[Your
password must be case-sensitive]
Sorry You
Lost Smith v. Jones
Sheryl KZ @SherylKZohn Oct 21
If you're
living on a prayer, do you have to pay property taxes?
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 21
I wonder
what all those forever stamps are going to do after the apocalypse.
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 20
This might
be hard for you to hear right now, but *blows on a dog whistle*
George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace Oct 20
I'll
straight up take garbage in a dump truck and take a dump in a garbage truck I'm
off the chain!
George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace Oct 20
I'll
straight up welcome folks on a bath mat and bathe folks on a welcome mat to
hell with tradition!
Brendan O'Hare @brendohare Oct 20
Nothing like
coming home after a long day at work, putting on your favorite baseball hat,
and going to bed
Brian Lynch @BrianLynch Oct 20
Do you think
it's funny or weird for Spielberg and Lucas to have their biggest franchises
relaunched by new filmmakers in the same year?
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe Oct 20
What if it
turns out "Star Wars" is just a movie?
Andy Deane @Andy_Deane Oct 20
What do you
think is the best, most peaceful way to die while being bisected by a
chainsaw-wielding maniac wearing your best friend's face?
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 20
Things an
undead date might say:
You're
really GHOUL!
Wanna go out
FRIGHT-day night?
I want to be
more than FIENDS!
I just ate
your parents
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 20
ME: How much
for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER:
Sir that's a hydrant
Kendra Alvey @Kendragarden Oct 20
Pretty smart
of Zooey Deschanel to name her baby Elsie Otter. Now she'll have her own show
on the Disney Channel by age 9, as per the rules.
alisonleah @alisonleah Oct 20 Williamsburg, Brooklyn
If I’m ever
arrested, I’m gonna haggle for five texts instead of one phone call.
Sara McHarpy @yellowcardigan Oct 20
It's always
better to be the person excited about something than the person making fun of
someone for being excited.
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia Oct 20
Canada has
elections, that's adorable.
Trevor Moore @itrevormoore Oct 20
In the Star
Wars movies everything would have been totally fine if Liam Neeson just minded his
own business + didn't try to buy little kids.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 20
BREAKING:
Scientists baffled by man who can get better than Gillette.
George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace Oct 19
Shout out to
acupuncture. Asians stabbin' white folks since 1972.
Robert J Defendi @robertjdefendi Oct 19
Laugh and
the world laughs with you, but one dark ritual and everyone's all ph'nglui
mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
MKupperman @MKupperman Oct 19
Getting rid
of tons of stuff. took a lotta books to Brooklyn Public Library. If you go to
their next book sale you'll see my books for sale
Trevor Moore @itrevormoore Oct 19
Just
realized I forgot to vote in all the elections.
Brian Lynch @BrianLynch Oct 19
Why do I
have to #boycott anything? Why can't I
#girlcott things? Sexist.
MKupperman @MKupperman Oct 19
So I hear
something actually happened on Downton Abbey this week? Beside people standing
around clearing their throats
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe Oct 19
What no one
ever tells you is that home ownership is mostly about killing thousands of
spiders.
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 19
Give your
family a fun scare this Halloween by selling everything they own and telling
them you owed money to the mob.
C. @bossy_bootz Oct 19
If you're a
woman over 30, you can get fired for not bringing a yogurt to work
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 19
HEALTH TIP:
Minimize the wear and tear on your knees by rolling around the workplace.
pat tobin @tastefactory Oct 19
EXECUTIONER:
Any last words?
ME:
Ultimate, antipodal, determinate, concluding, crowning, utmost, terminal...
EXECUTIONER:
Oh you went there
Earl Cahill @spackest Oct 19
Finally,
someone brave enough to actually state some few reasons that they wear their
sunglasses at night.
Tim Siedell @badbanana Oct 18
The Lord of
the Rings movies don't hold up. Most of the conflict could have been avoided
with mobile phones.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 18
Thanks to
everyone who came to see my Christian ska band play Creepy Dave's Pumpkin Patch
and Corn Maze in Burbank this morning.
LDS Bishop @ldsbishop Oct 18
The time my
7yo son sang "When my father calls me, Quickly I'll obey" at church
marked the biggest untruth told in all religious history.
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 18
When the
Buddha said "life is suffering," he meant how I just dumped all the
bottom crumbs from the Cookie Crisp box into my bowl by mistake
Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack Oct 18
SPORTSFACT:
Many professional American football games are played on Sunday. Follow this
account for more #sportsfacts.
Max Dylan Ash @mynameisntdave Oct 17 Manhattan, NY
[Meeting of
Steves]
STEVEN: guys
we gotta settle on a name spelling
STEPHEN: why
STEAVIN:
yeah why
STAIEPHVN:
yeah how come
PHSEVAEVVIN:
yea
MKupperman @MKupperman Oct 17
You know
those "drifting over the city" shots that are in absolutely every
show now? Why isn't there a whole show just of that?
Brian Lynch @BrianLynch Oct 17
Happy to see
so many people like Back To The Future! Try to find the sequel if you can. Not many
people know about it, but it's good
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 17
My
longstanding feelings of betrayal & anxiety arise from The West Wing
putting presidential elections in midterm years WITH NO EXPLANATION
Julie Klausner @julieklausner Oct 17
God, give me
the strength of a woman with good ideas and the confidence of a man with bad
ones.
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia Oct 17
Say what you
want about George Bush but remember, he kept us safe, got bin Laden, fought off
the zombie hordes and punched out ghost Hitler.
Scott Adams @ScottAdamsSays Oct 17
Did you hear
about the dieting cannibal who eats nuts and leaves?
Michael J Nelson @michaeljnelson Oct 17
If positive
reviews of the new biopic aren't titled "Take this 'Jobs' and Love It"
I will be very disappointed.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 17
"I've
never felt more alive than right now with you. Do you feel it too?"
"Sir
I'm gonna ask ONE more time for your license & registration"
LISA CURRY @lisa_curry Oct 17
Follow your
demons er I mean dreams.
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia Oct 16
What's the
percentage of people who use driving gloves to drive vs people who use them to
commit elegant murders?
david nuzzy nussbaum @theNuzzy Oct 16
I really
gave it my some today.
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw Oct 16
In an
attempt to be more healthy, I just ate 9 fun-size Snickers bars instead of 1
regular size one. The math's not looking good.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 16
"And
what sinister witchcraft is this? What conjurer hath wrought such dark
sorcery?"
"Sir,
we've had self-checkout for like two years."
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 16
ONLY 90'S
KIDS WILL GET THIS: A dismal end to earth's natural resources by the time
they're 45
Awful Fantasy @AwfulFantasy Oct 16
"Darkness
enveloped them.
TO BE
CONTINUED
Join the
characters you thought just died in their next epic adventure! Due out next
year!"
Megan Amram @meganamram Oct 16
Tarzan was
the original vine star! :-)
Jason Isbell @JasonIsbell Oct 16
I just
realized Batman v Superman is a super rich white guy versus an illegal
immigrant
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 16
Only 2 of my
childhood friends went on to murder people so everyone who said 3 or 4 of my
childhood friends would murder people can suck it.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 16
It's now
legal to commit suicide in California if you're terminally ill, but if you kill
yourself for another reason have fun in jail, bub.
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw Oct 16
"It's
not that I can't even. The point is I WON'T even." - Me, taking charge of
my life
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 16
R. Crumb?
More like R-rated! (some of his cartoons
are very racy)
Megan Amram @meganamram Oct 16
On Pangaea
they ate salads with "1 Island dressing"! :-)
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 16
FUN PRANK:
Stand outside with a large sign that says "NO YOUR WRONG"
pat tobin @tastefactory Oct 16
[on plane]
Me: It's ok,
more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This
is your captain speaking, I'm a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw Oct 16
"Odious
piles of dead flesh slathered with unspeakable secretions shambling through the
twilight" -Lovecraft on McDonald's All-Day Breakfast
Tim Siedell @badbanana Oct 16
Not gonna
lie. This marshmallow-only version of Lucky Charms is going to save me a lot of
time.
 |
| Gary Busey is surprised you're still reading this. |
Joe Hill @joe_hill Oct 16
Still think
it's cool to take a frisbee ride on a 200 ton shard of metal across an ocean
and land on the other side rested and fed.
spooky luke @internetluke Oct 16
NASA guy: we
spend all this time exploring out there *motions to outer space* when really we
should be exploring in here *motions to heart*
Rob Kutner @ApocalypseHow Oct 16
"Call
of Duty" has caused millions to miss many calls, and duties.
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 15
Imagine
giving a eulogy with babytalking
Jordan Brown @thisjordanbrown Oct 15
Realized,
sadly, I'll probably never be involved in a conversation where I'll get to say,
"No--the President needs plausible deniability."
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 15
Do people in
Mississippi know there are, like, other places?
rachael @WookieOnUnicorn Oct 15
lol of
course I'm saying your superstitions are stupid; mine are clearly the rational
superstitions
George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace Oct 15
How come
they never made Minor League Chew so the young kids could spend a few years
learning how to chew gum at the Big League level?
andy levy @andylevy Oct 15
just found
out the people at twitter don't consider any of my tweets to be canon :(
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw Oct 15
If you like
brutal stories about damaged, tragic men Nov 6th is your day because the new
James Bond AND Charlie Brown movies open.
George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace Oct 15
Whatever
happened to syntax errors? Used to be all the rage. Everybody on their Commodore
64s makin' syntax errors and whatnot.
tomsauce @trojansauce Oct 15
[pitching tv
idea]
ME: and
we'll call it 'that's so raven'
EXEC: omg i
love it!
EDGAR ALLAN
POE: this isn't the script I wrote even a bit
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe Oct 15
Your work
computer allows you to experience what it would be like if your regular
computer had a concussion.
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 15
The best
thing about October is that it's ok to listen to "Addams Groove" by
MC Hammer
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe Oct 15
People who
think we should interpret the Constitution from the Founding Fathers' intent
should be forced to get medical care from that era.
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 15
Stop saying
it's you "in the flesh." Stop it. That isn't necessary. I know you're
there. It's gross.
Awful Fantasy @AwfulFantasy Oct 15
"The
alien pyramid was awe-inspiring. The walls were on the sides, with a ceiling up
top. The walls were covered in those ancient cartoons."
Jay Kristoff @misterkristoff Oct 15
Breaking
news:
3rd
Fantastic Four reboot inbound
Die Hard
origin story underway
Screenwriter
with original thought dies penniless in gutter
Dismember November @bombsfall Oct 15
When you saw
only one reflection,
It was then
that Dracula carried you.
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 15
{Describing
a knife} It's like when your food isn't dead enough so you want to stab it more
Victoria Aveyard @VictoriaAveyard Oct 15
ANOTHER
DIRECTOR WOULD HAVE PEAKED WITH JURASSIC PARK AND BEEN BLESSED FOR IT
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 14
Just want to
apologize for my last 15,004 tweets. They were not up to my standards.
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 14
*Wakes up,
feels a pain near my foot, looks down and sees a tattoo that says Madrid*
WIFE: What
is that?
ME: Ugh, I
Spained my ankle
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 14
You could
believe it was butter if you had more confidence in yourself.
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw Oct 14
Tetris is a
video game where more things than you can manage fall on you and you can never
actually win. And we play it for FUN. Humans!
Rob Kutner @ApocalypseHow Oct 14
Can someone
just catch me up on all sports?
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 14
If I could
ask God any three questions:
1. What is
roller derby?
2. How do
you win roller derby?
3. Is there
a ball or what?
Chris Schleicher @cschleichsrun Oct 14
I'm worried
I've become too hot to be relatable.
Trevor Moore @itrevormoore Oct 13
Pretty sure
Bernie Sanders is my grandfather's Hannah Montana-like alter ego.
Trevor Moore @itrevormoore Oct 13
Do we have
to have a President?
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw Oct 13
All
Presidential debates should be moderated by Jack Bauer like he's trying to
locate a bomb. #DemDebate
Nick Youssef @NickYoussef Oct 13
I'm at a
coffeehouse with no wifi so now I know exactly what it was like to live in a
cabin in North Dakota in the year 1891.
andy levy @andylevy Oct 13
can't
believe that kid who assaulted his aunt got off scot free
Rob Kutner @ApocalypseHow Oct 13
Went in the
mens' room and saw a guy in a weird security uniform shining a flashlight in
the urinal. My life directed by Terry Gilliam
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 13
DATE: So
what do you like to do?
ME: Enter
hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You
mean "eating?"
ME:
*thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 13
My family is
sitting in a circle reading thru my 15-page manifesto, "We Need to Start
Eating the Costco Mango Slices Before They Get Slimy"
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 13
Anyone want
to come to my new Chopin Mic night? BYO Piano.
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw Oct 12
Ways to beat
the heat:
-Fan
yourself
-Say
"oh my" a lot
-Embrace the
sky demons inside you, burst into a flame bird, fulfill your destiny
Sawyer Thing @videosawyer Oct 12
Fried Green
Tomatoes but with Alien Xenomorphs
Michael @Home_Halfway Oct 12
I met
someone who cleans teeth and plays the cymbals.
She's a
den-tsst.
MKupperman @MKupperman Oct 12
I do this
crazy, outdated, archaic thing while I'm walking- it's called "looking
where I'm going."
ANDREW W.K. @AndrewWK Oct 12
PARTY TIP:
Be really, really nice and listen to Slayer.
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw Oct 12
For hours of
fun: Pretend every person you see with a mustache is cosplaying Super Mario.
Add the overalls in your mind. Bliss.
Max Dylan Ash @mynameisntdave Oct 12 Manhattan, NY
ME: I wish I
could pull off this sweater
FRIEND: I
think it looks good on you
ME: no I
mean I glued it to myself
Scott Adams @ScottAdamsSays Oct 12
Bad
analogies are like corn.
Awful Fantasy @AwfulFantasy Oct 12
"She
set her laser pistol to Destructo-beam™ and fired!
*click*
'Your
Destrcuto-beam trial has run out! Buy the full version for $54.99!'"
Bradley P. Booliooo @bbeaulieu Oct 12 Manhattan, NY
I like
oatmeal. It's basically an oatmeal cookie without all the bother of chewing.
Dan Wells @TheDanWells Oct 12
This episode
of Sesame Street is teaching kids to introduce themselves to people on planes,
and I'm like NO, NEVER TALK TO PEOPLE ON PLANES.
Tim Siedell @badbanana Oct 12
If you're
bummed because it's Monday just remember that any day, even a Saturday, is one
day closer to death. Today is no different.
Beau Hartenstine @madcaplaughs30 Oct 11
Slimer is
nothing more than a ghost head with a stomach. A misunderstood genius.
Anthony Breznican @Breznican Oct 11
Story:
Neighbors disgusted by man's grisly Halloween decoration call, knock on door,
but he never answers. He's the body hanging from tree.
pat tobin @tastefactory Oct 11
COP: Have
you been drinking
ME: No
COP: Sir,
please recite the alphabet backwards
ME: Ok but
if it awakens an ancient evil, that's on you
Ceej @ceejoyner Oct 11
If your corn
maze has never claimed a human life I'm not paying to go in there.
Tristan Williams @tristanwilliams Oct 11 Charlottesville, VA
Last night I
cat called a man just as he finished cat calling a woman. He didn't care for
being hollered at by a man driving by. #irony
Ferrett Steinmetz @ferretthimself Oct 11
You will be
a lot happier when you realize that people sometimes make books, movies, and TV
shows to please people who are not you.
Erin M. Evans @erinmevans Oct 11
It takes a
Dickensian lack of empathy to think it doesn't matter if people (ESPECIALLY
KIDS) have books they see someone like themselves in.
George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace Oct 11
Shout out to
the top three looms, family heir, Fruit of the, and Orlando B
MKupperman @MKupperman Oct 11
The greatest
pork the Devil ever pulled was pulled pork.
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 11
Enjoy the
show! Here are your 2 tickets, and these 2 pieces of paper that look exactly
like tickets but are not tickets.
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia Oct 11
I should be
able to tell the difference between your tweets and your suicide note.
Joe Hill @joe_hill Oct 10
Sorry, guys.
Nothing in Potter ever sucked like Menace. And the weakest Potter? Still better
than 4 of 6 Star Wars movies. Deal.
Joe Hill @joe_hill Oct 10
Just FYI,
the Potter franchise is substantially better than the Star Wars franchise.
Really not even close.
Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123 Oct 10
If I've
learned anything from Facebook, it's that everyone has a birthday
Amanda @Pandamoanimum Oct 10
"Any
questions?"
"How
come Scrooge McDuck never broke his neck when diving into that pile of gold
coins?"
"Questions
about the job"
"No"
Ben Cohen @UniqueDude2 Oct 10
don't go to
bed angry, don't go to the grocery store hungry, basically avoid any emotions
or feelings
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw Oct 10
I didn't
have a podcast to record today so I just screamed some jokes and opinions about
movies out of my open window. Please rate & review.
Kevin J Anderson @TheKJA Oct 10
As someone
who writes giant multi-volume epics, I find it a little insulting that Candy
Crush calls itself a "Saga."
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia Oct 10
It's
unfortunate but the yelling and threats of physical harm really get in the way
of the message this pro wrestler is trying to convey.
Dan Wells @TheDanWells Oct 10
An old
Chinese lady in the subway playing "Don't Stop 'till You Get Enough"
on a Marimba is everything I love about New York.
Black Girls Nerd Out @weblackandnerds Oct 10 Seattle, WA
"Dystopian
fiction is white people living in conditions that brown people currently live
in every day" #GGC15
Play
Gerard Mulligan @GerardMulligan1 Oct 10
I have a
million-dollar idea. Send me a million dollars and it's yours.
Joe Hill @joe_hill Oct 10
If the world
could hold off Armageddon for a while - no lobbing nuclear missiles, etc - I'd
appreciate it. I have a very full Netflix queue.
Joe Hill @joe_hill Oct 10
I think I'm
a very patient, even tempered fella, but spelling errors in my own text
messages always give me a flash of genuine rage.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 10
Wanted you
to hear first that I haven't accepted a new job & haven't made any big
changes. Excited to continue this same chapter of my life.
AlexaMac Brandes @TheWoodenslurpy Oct 10
the greatest
book on procrastination will never be written.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 10
"Say
hello to my little friend! Offer to take my little friend's coat! Ask if my
little friend is thirsty!" -Tony Montana,
Etiquette Coach
Nikki Glaser @NikkiGlaser Oct 10
Pretzel
M&Ms "Sharing Size"? ahhahahhahahaha I don't think so
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 10
THEATER
IDEA: plays should be short.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 10
Fired up to
get offended by something ultimately meaningless.
Michael J Nelson @michaeljnelson Oct 9
My favorite
part of The Martian was when Matt Damon shot Daffy Duck in the face with his
disintegrating pistol and his beak spun around.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 9
Just saw
someone smoking an actual cigarette so I asked them where the nearest place was
to pull taffy and get a wagon wheel fixed.
Megan Amram @meganamram Oct 9
Gross fact:
Taco Bell burritos contain less than 10% real bell
Gerard Mulligan @GerardMulligan1 Oct 9
My
professional baseball career was cut short by lack of talent.
Rob Kutner @ApocalypseHow Oct 9
"American
Horror Story: Hotel" could do its entire season just focusing on the
microbes on hotel bedspreads.
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 9
Pretty
ballsy to name your crappy movie "Pan," a word that literally means
"review of a crappy movie."
Brendan O'Hare @brendohare Oct 9
ME: Waiter I
require oats
WAITER: Yes
you do sir
ME: As do
you
WAITER:
Thank you sir
ME: Oats for
me & oats for you
WAITER:
Excellent choice
Matt Suddain @suddain Oct 9
I would
gladly take a magic pill which instantly limited my choices in all areas of
life to two.
Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack Oct 9
At this
point it might just be easier to get rid of schools than guns.
claudia martin @cloudypianos Oct 9
elections:
do you want this idiot to win or this idiot to win? you can only have one idiot
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 9
UPDATE: I
just opened Netflix and the kids made a profile for the dog.
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia Oct 9
Saw a guy
with a dumb hat and laughed but then immediately wondered if he was doing some
new cool thing I hadn't heard about yet.
Joe Hill @joe_hill Oct 8
I love
metal. But if you can imagine all of music as a person, metal would be just one
finger (the middle one).
Tommy Wiseau @TommyWiseau Oct 8
You like
make believe? How about believing making your self into what your make belief
self is.
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien Oct 8
I have a
love/hate relationship with strong contradictory emotions.
Edward Snowden @Snowden Oct 8
Three cats
and you're a cat lady, right? But nobody ever called a guy a cat lord.
#catlords
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 8
I can't find
my one fleece I like. I thought maybe it was in the car but no dice. Not sure
what my next move is here, maybe a Kickstarter?
pat tobin @tastefactory Oct 8
WAITER:
Today's special is updog
ME: Wait u
actually serve updog? I was gonna ask for it to be a dick. Well I'll try it
WAITER:Very
good sir
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 8
A fun idea
when characters in a motion picture or TV program get their motors running
& get out on the highway is to play "Born to be Wild".
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 8
I love that
tweets are "sent". I imagine mine being carried by a kindly mailman,
then gently placed into your computers & phones with a wink
George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace Oct 8
What the
hell is brimstone? Why is it always on fire? And is instant coffee involved and
whatnot?
Rob Kutner @ApocalypseHow Oct 8
You have to
admit, "May the Force be with you" is a much better farewell than
their original one, "TOODLE-OO, FORCE TIME! LOL"
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe Oct 8
Probably
took "Throwback Thursday" too far by showing up at my mom's house
wearing a diaper. #tbt #diaper
Zack @Mr_Kapowski Oct 8
We should've
cremated Michael Jackson in case of the zombie apocalypse or else people will
think they're part of a Thriller flash mob
Austin Smith @smithaustin Oct 8
Hardest
thing about being a lawyer (and what makes us so annoying): it's really hard to
figure out at what level to stop adding caveats.
MKupperman @MKupperman Oct 8
I have a
friend who works for the Star Whackers and he always complains about how hard
it is to *get* Randy Quaid, they've tried everything
Rob Kutner @ApocalypseHow Oct 7
Google has
gotten rid of their corporate motto, "Don't Be Evil." But they’ve
replaced it with “Now you die, Mr. Bond.”
ashley barnhill @ashley_barnhill Oct 7
Some people
are so quick to judge. I always notice this right away.
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw Oct 7
Rick Moranis
doesn't want to be in Ghostbusters. Daniel Craig doesn't want to do Bond films.
CLEARLY, MORANIS SHOULD BE THE NEXT JAMES BOND.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 7
"I
dunno, you just feel so distant. So cold. What... happened to us?"
"Sir,
I'm gonna ask for your license and registration ONE more time."
Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe Oct 7
Somehow
we've been tricked into thinking we can only eat popcorn at the movies. You can
eat it all the time. You won't get arrested.
jon hendren @fart Oct 7
instead of
saying i have emotional baggage i say im "pushing a feelbarrow" and
this is one of the many reasons everyone loves me at parties
Bob Schooley @Rschooley Oct 7
Why is it no
politician ever gets a message from God to quit and go work in a homeless
shelter?
Ceej @ceejoyner Oct 7
As far as
birds know 21 gun salutes are unprovoked attacks so they poop on civilians in
retaliation.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 7
If you open
up Nick Nolte there are five Gary Buseys that are smaller and smaller 'til you
get to the cutest, itty bitty Gary Busey.
Awful Fantasy @AwfulFantasy Oct 7
"He
laughed nervously. 'I suppose I better get started on my quest, then.'
END OF BOOK
4"
Ryan Reynolds @VancityReynolds Oct 7
Pretty sure
most professional mimes have intimacy issues. At least the really dedicated
ones.
Gerard Mulligan @GerardMulligan1 Oct 6
Data breach
at Trump hotels.Trump: "It's yuge. It's the most spectacular data breach
in history.All other data breaches are pathetic losers"
G.T. Collins @fleshcake Oct 6
There's
nothing beast mode OG kush about littering
Neal Brennan @nealbrennan Oct 6
Humans are
really having our way with chickens. It's a blowout.
AlexaMac Brandes @TheWoodenslurpy Oct 6
I can tell
so much about a person just by guessing.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 6
People whose
sneezes sound like coughs are putting a lot of pressure on people who like
saying "bless you" and honestly I'm sick of it.
Troy Johnson @_troyjohnson Oct 6
Your PG-13
humor aprons are tearing this family apart.
JRD Skinner @JRDSkinner Oct 6
New Idea:
It’s like a crossfit gym, but the only equipment is a number of those giant
mill wheels from Conan the Barbarian.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 6
"When I
die this will all be yours. It's what Meemaw would've wanted"
"Sir
I'm gonna ask you ONE more time for your license & registration"
Dana Gould @danagould Oct 6
Underneath
all the robots and lasers, Star Wars is the simple story of three close friends
pulling off a massive, deadly terrorist attack.
Nathan @stockejock Oct 6
I just
responded 'I'm good' to a text & autocorrect changed it to 'I'm hood' so
yeah-I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me.
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw Oct 6
If I had to
turn a crank to make my internet go faster, I'd either be really strong or
suddenly not need to read as many listicles.
Joe Hill @joe_hill Oct 6
Batman
fistsplains his moral code to Joker.
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 6
BREAKING: DJ
Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince announce world tour. Expected to be the most
anticipated 3 1/2 song concert of all time.
Stephen King @StephenKing Oct 5
After the
last 5 years of cable TV, most network drama feels to me like a big helping of
mashed potatoes on Wonder Bread. Very bland fare.
Rob Kutner @ApocalypseHow Oct 5
I'm caught
up on all major TV shows, and planning to "binge-parent" my kids the
week of their 18th birthdays.
Matt Knudsen @mattknudsen Oct 5
I tell my
wife that I love her exclusively through Facebook posts.
George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace Oct 5
Did y'all
know there are over 20 cities now? We live in an amazing time.
Shawn @CakeThrottle Oct 5
Interviewer
- It says here that you have 900 dependents?
Me, speaking
slowly so I don't disturb my bee beard - That's a rough estimate
Gerard Mulligan @GerardMulligan1 Oct 5
Whoever
named them the Rocky Mountains wasn't trying very hard.
Rob Kutner @ApocalypseHow Oct 5
THE MARTIAN,
except it's me trying to survive and escape from a cocktail party conversation.
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien Oct 5
New York is
imposing new rules for toplessness in Times Square. Guys, how many times do I
have to say I was drunk and I’m sorry?
Eileen Curtright @eileencurtright Oct 5
"We'll
never make our product relevant to millennials w/out gifs, memes &
twerking" I tell the stuffed shirts of the municipal water system
Nikki Glaser @NikkiGlaser Oct 5
imagine if
your dad was a YouTube star
Bumbling Mummy @bumblingmumbler Oct 5
Woke up to
no ice cream in the freezer, so there's really no point in getting out of bed.
Megan Amram @meganamram Oct 5
Another day
down where I managed to keep all my blood inside my body!!
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 5
You're not
really giving someone a tour of your home if you don't wittily say "this
is where the magic happens" as you show them the bedroom
Nikki Glaser @NikkiGlaser Oct 5
imagine
taking nothing personally
G.T. Collins @fleshcake Oct 5
Reading
about famous monkey crimes. Love will
have to wait.
Gerard Mulligan @GerardMulligan1 Oct 5
Coast Guard
had to rescue guy who fell off JetSki he was riding in the ocean during the
Nor'easter. He remains in Stupid condition.
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w Oct 5
I just saved
$2.50 on a bag of cat food and now I'm wondering: Is this a perfect end to a
week -- or -- an explosive start to a new one
Pumpkin Spiceotope @BuckyIsotope Oct 4
“Isn’t
anyone going to talk about the elephant in the room?”
*I look up
to see elephant making throat slash gesture with his trunk*
No
AmberTozer @AmberTozer Oct 4
Trying to
get my parents to move to LA so I can move in with them
LDS Bishop @ldsbishop Oct 4
I put my
shoulder to the wheel. Now my shoulder has terrible friction burns. #ldsconf
Brian Lynch @BrianLynch Oct 4
Downton
Abbey but set in Downtown Disney
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia Oct 4
A politician
was on a comedy show, that's crazy!?!
Rob Kutner @ApocalypseHow Oct 4
Santa Claus
and the Tooth Fairy are one thing, but how do you break it to a child that
Disco is dead?
Ryan Reynolds @VancityReynolds Oct 4
Sunday
Funday. Gonna get my belly button pierced. Or desperately scream for help at
anyone who'll listen.
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia Oct 4
Today's plan
is mostly horizontal with some brief vertical moments mixed in later if I'm
feeling ambitious.
Marshall Camden @yesbutmarshall Oct 4
One time my
uncles took me deep-sea fishing and I spent most of the trip in the boat cabin
reading a book about dragons.
Sara Schaefer @saraschaefer1 Oct 4
Who told the
young men they would be issued a girlfriend
Gerard Mulligan @GerardMulligan1 Oct 4
"You
think I care about rhetorical questions?"
Karen Kilgariff @KarenKilgariff Oct 4
If your
funny story goes longer than 30 seconds I walk
Nick Youssef @NickYoussef Oct 4
Shame on
shame culture.
Nick Youssef @NickYoussef Oct 4
Reactionary
bloggers keep trying to make joking synonymous with shaming which when I think
about it is comedian shaming. I demand apologies.
Tim Siedell @badbanana Oct 3
I'm going as
"The Martian" for Halloween in case you're wondering why I'm nowhere
near your party.
pat tobin @tastefactory Oct 3
The ultimate
troll in the history of trolling is candy companies calling tiny candy bars
"fun size"
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 3
I don't
usually get political on here, but here goes: I think many drinking fountains
are a little too cold.
pat tobin @tastefactory Oct 3
PATIENT:
Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took
x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Joseph Scrimshaw @JosephScrimshaw Oct 3
The third
rule of Fight Club is: This is a great joke structure. Keep using it for at
least 15 years after the film is out.
Earl Cahill @spackest Oct 3
Haven't they
suffered long enough? Isn't it about time we start allowing (accepting) outside
food and drink?
LDS Bishop @ldsbishop Oct 3
Fun #ldsconf
fact: Prior to his call to the Q12, Dallin H. Oaks played the role of Mr.
Strickland in the Back to the Future movies. Slackers
Don Nichols @TheDairylandDon Oct 3
We all have
that one neighbor who takes the Halloween decorating too far and the National
Guard has to come battle their skeleton army.
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 3
MOUNT
RUSHMORE GOOFS: those 4 presidents were never alive at the same time and could
not have posed together.
Patellraiser @ghostwritingcow Oct 3
Your
password must contain two special characters who talk to each other about
something other than a number.
Bridger Winegar @bridger_w Oct 3
It's
comforting to know that if nothing else works out, you can always become an
adult obsessed with Disney
Scott Adams @ScottAdamsSays Oct 3
I dream of a
world where everyone pursues their passion. The restrooms in that world are
filthy.
MKupperman @MKupperman Oct 3
It's time to
get rid of muppets. They were first designed as a way to repurpose excess shag
carpeting left over from vans in the 1970s.
pat tobin @tastefactory Oct 3
In movies,
every time a character says the title of the movie, they should look into the
camera and slowly raise their eyebrows
jonathan katz @jonathan_katz Oct 3 Toronto, Ontario
Don't fly on
an airline that insists on a copy of your dental records.
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 2
"I am
wrapping up my TV show to make movies in which my beloved characters, the
Muppets, are seen to ride bicycles." —Jim Henson, 1979
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 2
Stopped a
guy in a wheelchair from telling me about his tours in Iraq. I was all,
"My phone barely keeps a charge anymore, bro. So I get it"
Tim Siedell @badbanana Oct 2
So a guy
witnesses monsters mashing and then goes home and writes a hit song called
"Monster Mash?" Talk about cultural appropriation!
ASW @TotallyAllen Oct 2
Guns should
smoke pot.
Neil deGrasse Tyson @neiltyson Oct 2
The
@MartianMovie — where you learn all the ways that being Scientifically Literate
can save your life.
Robo-saurus @ewfeez Oct 2
Everyone's
got that one racist uncle, aunt, mom, dad, grandpa, grandma, stepbrother and
several cousins
Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien Oct 2
I can’t believe
Matt Damon is alone on Mars without Ben Affleck.
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 2
Schrodinger's
Pope
JRD Skinner @JRDSkinner Oct 2
Today I'm
wishing more of my job was centered around arguing why Sabbath's Master of
Reality was their last good album.
Eric Allen Hatch @ericallenhatch Oct 1
STAR WARS
(1977): Following a senseless planet-explosion tragedy, politicizing libs try
to regulate planet-exploding super-weapon ownership.
Ken Jennings @KenJennings Oct 1
It's Oct. 1,
2015 & you know what that means: just 3 more weeks max for the "two
neckties at once" fad from Back to the Future 2 to catch on
Nick Youssef @NickYoussef Oct 1
Guns don't
kill people, but they do seem to be the preferred weapon of crazy people who
love to kill people.
So maybe
some laws for that?
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 1
"Okay
Jack, let's switch places for a few minutes while you rest, then we'll switch
places again & so on" -Rose if she didn't want Jack dead
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 1
There aren't
enough sassy, white assistants in urban romantic comedies.
Megan Amram @meganamram Oct 1
I dated a
man for two years before I learned he was a “walk” signal in an intersection
Dan Ewen @VaguelyFunnyDan Oct 1
"It's,
like, a trap," Larissa said, eyeing the cliff or whatever. "I'm
literally scared right now." - From my YA novel, RISE OF THE REPLICAS
Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia Oct 1
"Do you
have plans tonight?"
"Uh
just tell me what your thing is first and then I'll answer."
Chris Regan @ChrisRRegan Oct 1
James Dean
was a bit much.
Frank Whitehouse @WheelTod Mar 27
Sure Charlie
got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20
years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Oblivia @aveuaskew 2 Dec 2013
Liven up any
boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them
try and figure out which one it is.
Sam Grittner @SamGrittner Sep 26
Halloween is
coming up and I still have no idea what I'm going to be for the rest of my
life.
Nick Amadeus @NickAmadeus 8 Jun 2014
I'm so sick
of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates
video.
Mariya Alexander @MariyaAlexander 26 Jul 2014
Swimming is
my favorite recreational activity that's also a desperate attempt not to die
Andy H. @AndyAsAdjective 9 Nov 2013
I lied.
There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police
sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
dan mentos @DanMentos 25 Jun 2014
"Son,
we need to talk"
Ok dad
"You
were an accident"
Wow, ok.
Thanks for telling me.
"And
you were adopted. We adopted you by accident"
Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22 Sep 22
I wear a
clown mask to sleep just in case one of my kids has a nightmare and comes to
sleep in our bed.
Frank Whitehouse @WheelTod 26 Mar 2014
Make your
own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
AmberTozer @AmberTozer Sep 9
Sorry I
stared at your dog until he finished pooping I just don't have anything else
going on right now
Jason Lastname @JasonLastname 26 Aug 2013
Don't cry
because it's over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the
real bus driver.
Gold Mantis @fujichia Sep 30
- much ado
about nothing
- 2 much 2
nothing
- much ado
3: toyko drift
- much
nothing
- much 5
- much ado 6
- nothing 7
sad tree @sad_tree Nov 12
Judge: Order
in the court!
[some guy
yells]
"I'll
have a cold cut!"
Judge:
Bailiff, plz shoot that man right in his face as hard as you can
Alex Schmidt @AlexSchmidty Aug 4
So we all
just accepted Thundercats as a thing huh
Jonathan Doyle @inpoliteco 30 Jun 2012
Oh, you put your take-out food on a plate? Did you just get back from your polo match with the queen?
vladchoc @vladchoc 7 Jun 2012
Math
problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It's not
really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.
Danny Charnley @DanKCharnley Sep 29
I brushed my
beard and several cans of Mountain Dew fell out. Such is the life of a
successful Dungeon Master, I guess.
Rachel Fisher @TheRachelFisher Dec 2
I hope at
the end of Twitter we all get the hug we were looking for in the first place
 |
| You made it! But is your quest really complete? |
-Phony McFakename
