Wednesday, November 18, 2015

The Best Words: November 2015

I like words. So every few weeks, as a public service, I'll share the words I've enjoyed most. From Twitter,1 books, movies, songs, articles, people, wherever. They will be harvested and archived here.

This is my longest blog ever. And I pretty much didn't write any of it. You are not required to read it. It's only if you like a good epigram or fun quote. Enjoy the words!

* * *

“These days I can muster no enthusiasm for being cleverly rude about a bad book (there are so many bad books, and there are people who loved to write them and loved to read them, and why would I try and spoil anyone’s fun?) and if I am going to read a good book I would rather I were reading it for pleasure and that it did not feel like work.”
-Neil Gaiman, “A Little Gold Book of Ghastly Stuff”

“It was a forest of death, a nightmare, fungous forest...that sobbed in agony at the bright torches, and rocked to and fro in all the unholy rottenness.”
Mearle Prout, “The House of the Worm”

“I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s. His hair was perfect.”
-Warren Zevon, “Werewolves of London”

"The Earth was created in six days. So too shall it be destroyed. And on the seventh day mankind will rest...in peace!"

“It cannot be!”
“It can...and it is!”

"Nothing can alter your fate, nor mine."
"I can...and I will!"

"Mortal Kombat is not about death but, rather, the preservation of life."

"I thought we closed those gates."
"What closes can open again."
"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I killed you in the tournament!"
"You killed my older brother!"

"Annihilate them!"

"That tattoo- I've seen it before. On a robot and a woman. They both tried to kill me."

"You're alive!"
"Too bad you...will die!"
-"Mortal Kombat: Annihilation"

“Everything is OK in the end. If it’s not OK, then it’s not the end.”
-Anonymous

“In the constant sociability of our age people shudder at solitude to such a degree that they do not know of any other use to put it to but...as a punishment for criminals.”
-Soren Kierkegaard

“One Sunday night my mother reads to Peggotty and me in there how Lazarus was raised up from the dead. And I am so frightened that they are afterwards obliged to take me out of bed, and show me the quiet churchyard out of the bedroom window, with the dead all lying in their graves at rest, below the solemn moon.”
-Charles Dickens, “David Copperfield”

"And then there was the one who said, in her cellphone’s voicemail message, sounding amused as she said it, that she was afraid she had been murdered, but to leave a message and she would get back to us.

"It wasn’t until we read the news, several days later, that we learned that she had indeed been murdered, apparently randomly and quite horribly.

"But then she did get back to each of the people who had left her a message. By phone, at first, leaving cellphone messages that sounded like someone whispering in a gale, muffled wet sounds that never quite resolved into words.

"Eventually, of course, she will return our calls in person."
-Neil Gaiman, “Ghosts in the Machine”


“That was cool. Who do we invade now?”
-American soldier in Iraq, ”Generation Kill”
Here's a photo of a Killer Klown for no reason.
“As a storyteller I keep craving shape. I want to give things shape. I want to make things feel like they make sense. Which is, of course, the beautiful illusion of fiction, that everything makes sense and that there was a purpose, that there was a point to it all. And that’s the best possible lie because it may even be true.”
-Neil Gaiman

“Teenage angst has paid off well.”
-Kurt Cobain, “Serve the Servants”

“Any of you morons screw this up and I will hack your entire family tree into kindling and burn you atop the pile.”
-Jason Aaron, “X-Men: Schism”

[Brandon Sanderson] How do you make these work? How do you make... How do you write an ending like that, that then people say, "That is terrible. I want to read more." instead of "That is terrible. I'm never touching this again."
[Chuckles]
[Dan Wells] What I did with John Cleaver is determined first of all that all of the books would be tragedies, but that he would still get to succeed in them. One line that I'm particularly proud of at the end of Mr. Monster is... He's defeated the bad guy, he's defeated the villain, but he's not happy and his life still sucks and he says, "I slayed the dragon, but i didn't get the princess." That's kind of how his life goes. He does great things, and he helps people, but that doesn't make him happier. It leaves people with this sense of conclusion. You have raised an issue and you have solved that issue, but you also kind of ruined this kid's life in the process.
[Howard] I'm sorry, Mario, our princess is in another castle.
[Laughter]
[Mary] I think part of that... And this is, I think, true with John Cleaver as well. But in horror novels, a lot of times... Or horror stories, but what I'll see with people who are early writers or things that fail is that it is... The hero has not... The hero has to earn a happy ending, but they also have to earn a tragic ending.
-”Writing Excuses” Podcast

“That bear tore off his head like so much volleyballs!”
-Chris Farley, “Saturday Night Live”

"I am a brain, Watson. The rest of me is a mere appendix."

"Come at once if convenient - if inconvenient come all the same."

"Rubbish, Watson, rubbish! What have we to do with walking corpses who can only be held in their grave by stakes driven through their hearts?"
-Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, “The Casebook of Sherlock Holmes”

“Look me in the eyes. I wanna watch your lights go out.”
-”True Detective”

“Do you know what separates you from Hamlet? Four hundred years. That’s it. We all share his condition of feeling vulnerable, scared, conflicted, pressured. We also share his courage, integrity , pride, sense of honor, and deep desire for justice. We are all heroes in our own tragedies.”
-”Shakespeare Saved My Life”

“I can’t drive. I’m a goose.”
-”Cinderella” (2015)

“The gigantic abomination...was soon to smother the world with its saprophytic obscenity.”
-Bertram Russell, “The Scourge of B’Moth”

“As we neared the sepulchral tenebrosity of Heath House, a hollowness crept into her laughter.”
C. Hall Thompson, “Spawn of the Green Abyss”

“If ever I made known to another mortal the slightest of the secrets I had learned, or mentioned any part or purpose of the awful rites I had seen enacted, my soul would be shattered into a million fragments and these tortured fragments scattered shrieking throughout the entire Cosmos!”

“The next thing that happened was a sound, and it was a chuckling sound of such portentous diabolism.”
-Henry Hasse, “Guardian of the Book”

“To be... or not to be?” [shoots bad guy] “Not to be.”

“You've seen these movies where they say "Make my day" or "I'm your worst nightmare"? Well, listen to this one: rubber baby buggy bumpers!”
-Arnold Schwarzenegger, ”Last Action Hero”

“I went out walking through streets paved with gold
Lifted some stones, saw the skin and bones
Of a city without a soul
I went out walking under an atomic sky
Where the ground won’t turn and the rain it burns
Like the tears when I said goodbye”
-Johnny Cash, “The Wanderer”

“When I wake up, everything will be all right.”
-Alvin Schwartz, “More Scary Stories To Tell in the Dark”

“The bitterness is hard to hide, it smells like homicide.”
-Faith No More

“I live in the weak and the wounded.”
-”Session 9”

“Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids
In fact, it's cold as hell
And there's no one there to raise them.”
-Elton John, “Rocket Man”

“The world little knows or cares the storms through which you have had to pass. It asks only if you brought the ship safely to port.”
-Joseph Conrad

“When does the end of me become the start of you?”
-Tears for Fears, “Change”

dad: "did you know that all the people who live around here aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
me: "really? why not?"
dad: "because they're not dead yet."
-Dad Jokes

“I think I just killed Death.”
-”Supernatural,” Season 10 Finale

“The earth’s history has not even begun. You, your ancestors...you are nothing but a prelude to history. You will all be forgotten if the real history of the world begins...We are all of us, gods and men, but shadows playing puppet parts before the true play begins...Elric...Keep the swords and all of us will be as we had never existed.”
“So be it.”
“We shall be obliterated!”
Good!
-Michael Moorcock, “Stormbringer”

“We can’t rewind now, we’ve gone too far.
Internet killed the video star.”
-The Limousines

“As a solution to the various problems you may encounter along the way, let me suggest this: Make Good Art.

It's very simple. But it seems to work. Life fallen apart? Make good art. True love ran off with the milkman? Make good art. Bank foreclosing? Make good art.

Keep moving, learn new skills. Enjoy yourself...Be proud of your mistakes. Well, proud may not be exactly the right word, but respect them, treasure them, be kind to them, learn from them.

And, more important than that, make them.

Make mistakes. Make great mistakes, make wonderful mistakes, make glorious mistakes. Better to make a hundred mistakes than to stare at a blank piece of paper too scared to do anything wrong, too scared to do anything.
-Neil Gaiman

“Against men, he was invincible. He split one heavily armoured warrior from head to crutch, sheared through the saddle and smashed the horse’s backbone apart.”
-Michael Moorcock, “Stormbringer”

“Bloody-beaked hawks soared on the frigid wind.”
-Michael Moorcock, “The Caravan of Forgotten Dreams”

“It has been said that the Golden Age of Rock and Roll was between the ages of twelve and sixteen. It’s a time at which everything seems fresh and new, and styles, fashions, music, and sex are all tied into the great melting pot of adolescence.”
-Neil Gaiman, “Duran Duran: The First Four Years of the Fab Five”

“We all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us...But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it churched out, spanked out, washed out, and combed out...After you go so far away from it, though, you can’t really get it back. You can have seconds of it. Just seconds of knowing and remembering. When people get weepy at movies, it’s because in that dark theater the golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly. Then they come out into the hard sun of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they’re left feeling a little heartsad and not knowing why.”
-Robert R. McCammon, “Boy’s Life”

“It feels like Heaven’s so far away.”
-The Offspring

“Heaven isn’t too far away.”
-Warrant

* * *

1. This will be the longest footnote in the history of blog footnotes. Below is a collection of my favorite quotes from Twitter this past month. There's a lot there. If you're one of the cool people who follow me on Twitter, you won't see any of this nonsense. You'll only see the stuff I post. So don't be afraid to gawk at me there.

Rob Kutner ‏@ApocalypseHow  Oct 31
MARTIAN NEWS REPORT: Tiny Humans Practice Deceit to Obtain "Fun-Size" Glucose Units

 Tim Siedell ‏@badbanana  Oct 31
PRO TIP: Halloween is also a good time to go door-to-door around the neighborhood, asking people to join your network on LinkedIn.

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 31
Fajitas are on the stove! Every trick-or-treater gets a plate of sizzling hot fajitas.

 MKupperman ‏@MKupperman  Oct 31
Be careful, I hear Satanist groups are using Halloween confusion as a cover for their atrocities

 Kevin Seccia ‏@kevinseccia  Oct 31
Would you pay to see the Mona Lisa, hidden by a tarp? Or admire a Lamborghini with a cover over it? That's why I don't wear a mask today.

 Tim Siedell ‏@badbanana  Oct 31
It's like kids don't even care that we're celebrating the day vampires discovered America.

 andy levy ‏@andylevy  Oct 31
the sign on my door calling trick-or-treaters “looters” and telling them to read “atlas shrugged” seems to be working well so far

 Joseph Scrimshaw ‏@JosephScrimshaw  Oct 31
The important thing to remember this #Halloween: Don't be afraid of zombies. They're just as tired of us as we are of them.

 zandy hartig* *help ‏@zandywithaz  Oct 31
Last one: for Halloween I'm going as "Sexy I've Completely Exhausted this Joke Structure."

 MKupperman ‏@MKupperman  Oct 31
Helpful tip: Keep a bucket of water available in your house to throw over household fires or your kids if they ask about sex.

 John DeVore ‏@JohnDeVore  Oct 31
Don't forget to set your clocks back to depression

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 31
PRO TIP: Survive any meeting by saying "We need to keep an eye on the emerging markets" every five to six minutes.

 Megan Amram ‏@meganamram  Oct 31
Kids, watch out for razor blades in candy. They're just empty calories!

 Brendan O'Hare ‏@brendohare  Oct 31
[sees someone bobbing for apples] There has to be a better way

 Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w  Oct 31
If you have trouble meeting people, one trick I've found effective is to stand immediately in front of a busy doorway

 Brian Lynch ‏@BrianLynch  Oct 31
"Bust these ghosts!" - The Ghosts Busters, in THE GHOSTSBUSTERS

 Brian Lynch ‏@BrianLynch  Oct 31
If you like Halloween movies may i suggest a little seen gem called THE GHOSTBUSTERS which is about, well, just watch

 Brian Lynch ‏@BrianLynch  Oct 30
Mike Myers gets shot 10 times and then exploded but sleeps for a year in an outhouse and wakes up healed. Science! #Halloween5

 Brian Lynch ‏@BrianLynch  Oct 30
Watching HALLOWEEN 5 for the first time.  Credit sequence is someone angrily stabbing a pumpkin.  Myers is getting lazy with his targets.

 Conan O'Brien ‏@ConanOBrien  Oct 30
This comes up every year, but want to confirm: the person behind “Fun Sized” candy bars has been tried for war crimes, right?

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 30
your MOM's brand is crisis

 Ceej ‏@ceejoyner  Oct 30
Assert dominance over local dads by raking their leaves.

 Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w  Oct 30
I honestly don't know how much longer I can be expected to go on before I inherit a manor with a horrifying secret

 Joseph Scrimshaw ‏@JosephScrimshaw  Oct 30
I didn't think I had abandonment issues but then I caught myself wondering if movies were leaving Netflix because I did something wrong.

 TattleTaleSister ‏@TattleTSister  Oct 29
Been busy living my life to the emptiest.

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 29
Smelling my dad's house on his old belongings and sobbing 'til there are simply no tears left. Like a boss.

 Beau Hartenstine ‏@madcaplaughs30  Oct 29
The best part about Die Hard With A Vengeance? When the German guy says "rain dogs and cats" nice try. close but no cigarette.

 Conan O'Brien ‏@ConanOBrien  Oct 29
I’ve won Fantasy Football by never ever playing it.

 Kevin Seccia ‏@kevinseccia  Oct 29
It kills me that I'll never be ex CIA, or a rogue special ops agent out for justice. I'm not even a Navy SEAL bent on revenge. This sucks!

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 28
"Hey, wait a minute! This news report doesn't confirm my preexisting bias! It's biased!"

 Conan O'Brien ‏@ConanOBrien  Oct 28
According to a new study, 10% of vegetarian “hot dogs” contain meat. So if you’ve ever enjoyed a vegetarian hot dog, now you know why.

 Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w  Oct 28
I just realized I'll be able to enrage Star Wars fans by saying I like the new one more than the originals. I've found a new reason to live

 Megan Amram ‏@meganamram  Oct 28
Lol at everyone living their lives like they're not already dead

 MKupperman ‏@MKupperman  Oct 28
When you dress up as Frankenstein's monster, you're disrespecting the pain and grief of victims of botched transplants. Shame on you!

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 28
Danny Elfman sits at home waiting for his kids' school to call. "I'm SURE they want me to help with the Halloween concert. They just forgot"

 Randi Mayem Singer ‏@rmayemsinger  Oct 28
I prefer to think of my marriage as a 4300-night stand.

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 28
BUZZ: Turn it off
NEIL: No
BUZZ: It's been days, TURN IT OFF
NEIL: IF YOU DIDN'T WANNA HEAR "FLY ME TO THE MOON" MAYBE DON'T GO TO THE MOON

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 28
{Waits for the zoo tour to walk away}
{Presses my face against the gate, stares at birds}
"More like pelican't."
{Gets my face torn in half}

 jonathan katz ‏@jonathan_katz  Oct 28
I have given up my amateur status as a crastinator

 Kyle William Bishop ‏@DrWalkingDead  Oct 28
Spielberg does more storytelling with a closeup on a fishing reel that most directors do in an entire movie. #Jaws

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 28
If Bernie Sanders doesn't win the election I hope he still gets a job where he yells at people

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 27
(me, hollowing out pumpkins for my kids to carve)
More like "holloween" lol

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 27
1. Put chocolate pudding in a diaper
2. Dump it on your head
3. Run out of a public bathroom yelling "DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO CHANGE A BABY"

 SciencePorn ‏@SciencePorn  Oct 27
“What do we want?”
“Time travel”
“When do we want it?”
“Irrelevant.”

 Brian Lynch ‏@BrianLynch  Oct 27
Idea: SUPERGIRL but with a guy.

 pat tobin ‏@tastefactory  Oct 27
*drives crappy car into hell*
ME: Here u go
SATAN: What's this, u sold me your soul!
ME: That's right, my Kia Soul™
SATAN: I've been had!

 Megan Amram ‏@meganamram  Oct 27
"Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. Bring a gun to a gun fight. Bring a gun to a grocery store. Bring a gun everywhere!!!" - America

 Tim Siedell ‏@badbanana  Oct 27
For your Halloween party, I'm going as a guy not going.

 Kate Hess ‏@kate_hess  Oct 27
Have you ever gone on a date and realized halfway through its a meeting?

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 27
"Mark my words, the deed to Primrose Manor shall never be yours! Never!"

"Sir, I'm gonna ask one more time for your license & registration"

 Br&on the Cow ‏@Brampersandon_  Oct 27
GOOD COP: Surrender or we'll shoot
CROOK: idk the meaning of surrender!
BAD COP (looking thru thesaurus): it means to give up

 Joseph Scrimshaw ‏@JosephScrimshaw  Oct 27
I walk up to a door marked PUSH.
I PULL on it.
Everyone laughs.
I hum the James Bond theme, loudly.
Everyone's like, okay, he's still cool.

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 27
{Sees someone take out a cigarette}
ME: Need a light?
PERSON: Yeah thanks man
ME. Sure. *shines a lamp in their face*

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 27
"Sweep the leg Johnny"
(Johnny grabs a broom)
"No Johnny, the other thing"
(a blank stare)
"The karate move?" -Karate Kid with a dumb Johnny

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 27
{Heads outside at a party, sees Dracula smoking an e-cigarette}
ME: Haha more like vape-pire
DRACULA: ...shut up

 Brian Lynch ‏@BrianLynch  Oct 26
"And THIS is where the magic happens." - Hogwarts tour guide, literally anywhere on campus

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 26
BREAKING: Authorities follow up bacon advisory with warning about slapping lions in the face.

 Brian Lynch ‏@BrianLynch  Oct 26
When Thomas Edison had the idea for the light bulb, what popped up over his head?

 Nick Youssef ‏@NickYoussef  Oct 26
I turned off all my phone notifications. From now on I'm in charge. I'm only going to check it 12 times a day for 2 hours each time.

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 26
Eating a bin of chocolate chip cookies but they're from Whole Foods so it's probably just like eating a barrel of asparagus or something

 Rob Kutner ‏@ApocalypseHow  Oct 26
Volkswagen's going to be just fine, once they pretend the smoke has cleared.

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 26
Not gonna name names but it's amazing how many people want to do good work and have nice things and build comfortable lives for themselves.

 Sam Reid ‏@SamReidSays  Oct 26
"Were you raised by wolves?"

No, but that sounds amazing.

 Gerard Mulligan ‏@GerardMulligan1  Oct 26
Man, that Federal Do Not Call registry is working like a charm.

 Brian Lynch ‏@BrianLynch  Oct 26
Kudos to SERENITY for finding a hilarious, fresh spin on the old "airbag going off a second after the accident" gag.

 Kevin Seccia ‏@kevinseccia  Oct 26
My favorite thing is when a villain sarcastically claps.

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 26
Just imagined Celine Dion singing 'The Monster Mash' and had a good chuckle.

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 26
My favorite fairy tale is the story of The World Without Ringtones

 Joseph Scrimshaw ‏@JosephScrimshaw  Oct 25
Just walked past Colin Farrell on the street. Managed not to yell, "YOU WERE GREAT ON TRUE DETECTIVE SEASON 2 DESPITE THE SCRIPT ISSUES!"

 MKupperman ‏@MKupperman  Oct 25
The most interesting thing about Green Inferno is that Eli Roth put his cast's Twitter addresses in the credits next to their names

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 25
ME: How was your day?
HIPSTER: Artisan

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 25
What if Charlie Brown's parents are actually trombones

 Matt Haig ‏@matthaig1  Oct 25
(I bloody love books. The more the world fills itself up with crap new technology the more books shine like beacons from a better world.)

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 25
Still haven't heard if CBS is greenlighting the pilot for my inspirational drama, "New Phone Who Dis?"

 Beau Hartenstine ‏@madcaplaughs30  Oct 25
I told this dude to "get a life" and then he proposed to a very nice girl and had a very nice family.

 MKupperman ‏@MKupperman  Oct 24
The Ghostbusters were actually punishing murder victims a second time. Disgusted & saddened to see people laughing at this criminal behavior

 Kevin Seccia ‏@kevinseccia  Oct 24
I just remembered outside.

 Lady ‏@ladybroseph  Oct 24
What do people who aren't on Twitter do when they think of something funny? Do they just chuckle to themselves? No thanks.

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 24
For Halloween I'm doing what I do every year; standing outside houses, dressed as the Grim Reaper, pointing at my watch, staring inside.

 Ian Abramson ‏@ianabramson  Oct 24
The guy who created Rorschach tests must have spilled some ink and been like "...mom?"

 Julius Sharpe ‏@juliussharpe  Oct 24
When choosing a career, the most important consideration is what kind of office you want to be in when you're at your desk watching YouTube.

 Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w  Oct 23
When I die, all I ask is for someone to plan a tasteful funeral, write a thoughtful obituary, and exploit my death for political gain

 Jeremy Woodcock ‏@jwPencilAndPad  Oct 23
10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, and Johnny Cash. They have since passed away.

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 23
ME: We may be locked in behind bars, but our souls can be as open as our hearts desire.
PRISON ROOMMATE: I'm going to kill you in your sleep

 Brian Lynch ‏@BrianLynch  Oct 23
Sitting down for a nice hot bowl of Candy Corn Chowder.  Mmmmmmm this was a mistake

 Dana Gould ‏@danagould  Oct 23
Picking out a pumpkin is like picking out a partner: you search for the perfect one, then bring it home and start pulling out its guts.

 Kevin Seccia ‏@kevinseccia  Oct 23
Microwave taquitos are great but when you factor in the residual sadness generated by making and looking at them it becomes a tougher call.

 Awful Fantasy ‏@AwfulFantasy  Oct 23
"The Robot was super intelligent and totally metal—like Einstein wearing a Slayer shirt."

 Earl Cahill ‏@spackest  Oct 23
Got through about half an article about the importance of mindfulness, but it didn't seem to help.

 Kevin Seccia ‏@kevinseccia  Oct 22
Uber driver excitedly told me I had a 4.8 rating and now I'm strutting around like the guy who cured polio.

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 22
Becoming a parent is the most rewarding way to never ever ever have money again.

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 22
What if you want to open a Thai restaurant but all 5 legal Thai restaurant names are already taken.

 Paul ‏@FrenulumBreve  Oct 22
JUDGE: did you do it?
DEFENDANT: no.
PROSECUTOR: he's lying.
JUDGE: ah, this is tougher than it looks.

 MKupperman ‏@MKupperman  Oct 22
Serious question about The Flash- does he pee and poo super-fast?

 Lauren O'Brien ‏@thelaurenobrien  Oct 22
My only wish for this life is to not have a death that ends up featured in a clickbait slideshow.

 Mary Kobayashi ‏@MaryKoCo  Oct 22
You could never own me as hard as the dog who ran up to me, sneezed, then ran away

 George Wallace ‏@MrGeorgeWallace  Oct 22
A fun prank is to trip someone when they walk past & while they're on the ground you release the army of bees you've been training since May

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 22
Hosts should stop introducing women guests as "the lovely..." unless they also call men "the handsome..."

 Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w  Oct 22
Lying to police in order to protect my volleyball team

 Kevin Seccia ‏@kevinseccia  Oct 22
There's an awful lot of white shamans running around out there.

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 22
SPOILER ALERT: Your favorite one-hour drama will slowly become a laughable tangle of plot holes and forced twists.

 daveanthony ‏@daveanthony  Oct 22
Paranormal Activity #49: Uh, The Closet Is Weird.

 Brendan O'Hare ‏@brendohare  Oct 21
For supper I will be having snacks

 Wesley Chu ‏@wes_chu  Oct 21
More and more people are telling me I look more like an author these days. I think what they mean is I'm looking more like a crazy person.

 Beau Hartenstine ‏@madcaplaughs30  Oct 21
Why would you ever want to run for president? Seems like it would be awful.

 Joseph Scrimshaw ‏@JosephScrimshaw  Oct 21
It's weird to think the main #BackToTheFuture prediction that's come true is Crispin Glover has been replaced with an impostor.

 Julius Sharpe ‏@juliussharpe  Oct 21
Every photo of a guy taken before 1960 looks like Lee Harvey Oswald.

 Robert Shearman ‏@ShearmanRobert  Oct 21
Why on earth is everyone celebrating Back to the Future Day this time round? I don't remember anyone doing this in 1955.

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 21
[Please enter password]
Your Defense Sucked During Smith v. Jones
[Your password must be case-sensitive]
Sorry You Lost Smith v. Jones

 Sheryl KZ ‏@SherylKZohn  Oct 21
If you're living on a prayer, do you have to pay property taxes?

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 21
I wonder what all those forever stamps are going to do after the apocalypse.

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 20
This might be hard for you to hear right now, but *blows on a dog whistle*

 George Wallace ‏@MrGeorgeWallace  Oct 20
I'll straight up take garbage in a dump truck and take a dump in a garbage truck I'm off the chain!

 George Wallace ‏@MrGeorgeWallace  Oct 20
I'll straight up welcome folks on a bath mat and bathe folks on a welcome mat to hell with tradition!

 Brendan O'Hare ‏@brendohare  Oct 20
Nothing like coming home after a long day at work, putting on your favorite baseball hat, and going to bed

 Brian Lynch ‏@BrianLynch  Oct 20
Do you think it's funny or weird for Spielberg and Lucas to have their biggest franchises relaunched by new filmmakers in the same year?

 Julius Sharpe ‏@juliussharpe  Oct 20
What if it turns out "Star Wars" is just a movie?

 Andy Deane ‏@Andy_Deane  Oct 20
What do you think is the best, most peaceful way to die while being bisected by a chainsaw-wielding maniac wearing your best friend's face?

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 20
Things an undead date might say:

You're really GHOUL!
Wanna go out FRIGHT-day night?
I want to be more than FIENDS!
I just ate your parents


 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 20
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that's a hydrant

 Kendra Alvey ‏@Kendragarden  Oct 20
Pretty smart of Zooey Deschanel to name her baby Elsie Otter. Now she'll have her own show on the Disney Channel by age 9, as per the rules.

 alisonleah ‏@alisonleah  Oct 20 Williamsburg, Brooklyn
If I’m ever arrested, I’m gonna haggle for five texts instead of one phone call.

 Sara McHarpy ‏@yellowcardigan  Oct 20
It's always better to be the person excited about something than the person making fun of someone for being excited.

 Kevin Seccia ‏@kevinseccia  Oct 20
Canada has elections, that's adorable.

 Trevor Moore ‏@itrevormoore  Oct 20
In the Star Wars movies everything would have been totally fine if Liam Neeson just minded his own business + didn't try to buy little kids.

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 20
BREAKING: Scientists baffled by man who can get better than Gillette.

 George Wallace ‏@MrGeorgeWallace  Oct 19
Shout out to acupuncture. Asians stabbin' white folks since 1972.

 Robert J Defendi ‏@robertjdefendi  Oct 19
Laugh and the world laughs with you, but one dark ritual and everyone's all ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

 MKupperman ‏@MKupperman  Oct 19
Getting rid of tons of stuff. took a lotta books to Brooklyn Public Library. If you go to their next book sale you'll see my books for sale

 Trevor Moore ‏@itrevormoore  Oct 19
Just realized I forgot to vote in all the elections.

 Brian Lynch ‏@BrianLynch  Oct 19
Why do I have to #boycott anything?  Why can't I #girlcott things?  Sexist.

 MKupperman ‏@MKupperman  Oct 19
So I hear something actually happened on Downton Abbey this week? Beside people standing around clearing their throats

 Julius Sharpe ‏@juliussharpe  Oct 19
What no one ever tells you is that home ownership is mostly about killing thousands of spiders.

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 19
Give your family a fun scare this Halloween by selling everything they own and telling them you owed money to the mob.

 C. ‏@bossy_bootz  Oct 19
If you're a woman over 30, you can get fired for not bringing a yogurt to work

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 19
HEALTH TIP: Minimize the wear and tear on your knees by rolling around the workplace.

 pat tobin ‏@tastefactory  Oct 19
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: Ultimate, antipodal, determinate, concluding, crowning, utmost, terminal...
EXECUTIONER: Oh you went there

 Earl Cahill ‏@spackest  Oct 19
Finally, someone brave enough to actually state some few reasons that they wear their sunglasses at night.

 Tim Siedell ‏@badbanana  Oct 18
The Lord of the Rings movies don't hold up. Most of the conflict could have been avoided with mobile phones.

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 18
Thanks to everyone who came to see my Christian ska band play Creepy Dave's Pumpkin Patch and Corn Maze in Burbank this morning.

 LDS Bishop ‏@ldsbishop  Oct 18
The time my 7yo son sang "When my father calls me, Quickly I'll obey" at church marked the biggest untruth told in all religious history.

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 18
When the Buddha said "life is suffering," he meant how I just dumped all the bottom crumbs from the Cookie Crisp box into my bowl by mistake

 Michael Ian Black ‏@michaelianblack  Oct 18
SPORTSFACT: Many professional American football games are played on Sunday. Follow this account for more #sportsfacts.

 Max Dylan Ash ‏@mynameisntdave  Oct 17 Manhattan, NY
[Meeting of Steves]
STEVEN: guys we gotta settle on a name spelling
STEPHEN: why
STEAVIN: yeah why
STAIEPHVN: yeah how come
PHSEVAEVVIN: yea

 MKupperman ‏@MKupperman  Oct 17
You know those "drifting over the city" shots that are in absolutely every show now? Why isn't there a whole show just of that?

 Brian Lynch ‏@BrianLynch  Oct 17
Happy to see so many people like Back To The Future! Try to find the sequel if you can. Not many people know about it, but it's good

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 17
My longstanding feelings of betrayal & anxiety arise from The West Wing putting presidential elections in midterm years WITH NO EXPLANATION


 Julie Klausner ‏@julieklausner  Oct 17
God, give me the strength of a woman with good ideas and the confidence of a man with bad ones.

 Kevin Seccia ‏@kevinseccia  Oct 17
Say what you want about George Bush but remember, he kept us safe, got bin Laden, fought off the zombie hordes and punched out ghost Hitler.

 Scott Adams ‏@ScottAdamsSays  Oct 17
Did you hear about the dieting cannibal who eats nuts and leaves?

 Michael J Nelson ‏@michaeljnelson  Oct 17
If positive reviews of the new biopic aren't titled "Take this 'Jobs' and Love It" I will be very disappointed.

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 17
"I've never felt more alive than right now with you. Do you feel it too?"

"Sir I'm gonna ask ONE more time for your license & registration"

 LISA CURRY ‏@lisa_curry  Oct 17
Follow your demons er I mean dreams.

 Kevin Seccia ‏@kevinseccia  Oct 16
What's the percentage of people who use driving gloves to drive vs people who use them to commit elegant murders?

 david nuzzy nussbaum ‏@theNuzzy  Oct 16
I really gave it my some today.

 Joseph Scrimshaw ‏@JosephScrimshaw  Oct 16
In an attempt to be more healthy, I just ate 9 fun-size Snickers bars instead of 1 regular size one. The math's not looking good.

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 16
"And what sinister witchcraft is this? What conjurer hath wrought such dark sorcery?"
"Sir, we've had self-checkout for like two years."

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 16
ONLY 90'S KIDS WILL GET THIS: A dismal end to earth's natural resources by the time they're 45

 Awful Fantasy ‏@AwfulFantasy  Oct 16
"Darkness enveloped them.

TO BE CONTINUED

Join the characters you thought just died in their next epic adventure! Due out next year!"

 Megan Amram ‏@meganamram  Oct 16
Tarzan was the original vine star! :-)

 Jason Isbell ‏@JasonIsbell  Oct 16
I just realized Batman v Superman is a super rich white guy versus an illegal immigrant

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 16
Only 2 of my childhood friends went on to murder people so everyone who said 3 or 4 of my childhood friends would murder people can suck it.

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 16
It's now legal to commit suicide in California if you're terminally ill, but if you kill yourself for another reason have fun in jail, bub.

 Joseph Scrimshaw ‏@JosephScrimshaw  Oct 16
"It's not that I can't even. The point is I WON'T even." - Me, taking charge of my life

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 16
R. Crumb? More like R-rated!  (some of his cartoons are very racy)

 Megan Amram ‏@meganamram  Oct 16
On Pangaea they ate salads with "1 Island dressing"! :-)

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 16
FUN PRANK: Stand outside with a large sign that says "NO YOUR WRONG"

 pat tobin ‏@tastefactory  Oct 16
[on plane]
Me: It's ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I'm a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

 Joseph Scrimshaw ‏@JosephScrimshaw  Oct 16
"Odious piles of dead flesh slathered with unspeakable secretions shambling through the twilight" -Lovecraft on McDonald's All-Day Breakfast

 Tim Siedell ‏@badbanana  Oct 16
Not gonna lie. This marshmallow-only version of Lucky Charms is going to save me a lot of time.
Gary Busey is surprised you're still reading this.
 Joe Hill ‏@joe_hill  Oct 16
Still think it's cool to take a frisbee ride on a 200 ton shard of metal across an ocean and land on the other side rested and fed.

 spooky luke ‏@internetluke  Oct 16
NASA guy: we spend all this time exploring out there *motions to outer space* when really we should be exploring in here *motions to heart*

 Rob Kutner ‏@ApocalypseHow  Oct 16
"Call of Duty" has caused millions to miss many calls, and duties.

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 15
Imagine giving a eulogy with babytalking

 Jordan Brown ‏@thisjordanbrown  Oct 15
Realized, sadly, I'll probably never be involved in a conversation where I'll get to say, "No--the President needs plausible deniability."

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 15
Do people in Mississippi know there are, like, other places?

 rachael ‏@WookieOnUnicorn  Oct 15
lol of course I'm saying your superstitions are stupid; mine are clearly the rational superstitions

 George Wallace ‏@MrGeorgeWallace  Oct 15
How come they never made Minor League Chew so the young kids could spend a few years learning how to chew gum at the Big League level?

 andy levy ‏@andylevy  Oct 15
just found out the people at twitter don't consider any of my tweets to be canon :(

 Joseph Scrimshaw ‏@JosephScrimshaw  Oct 15
If you like brutal stories about damaged, tragic men Nov 6th is your day because the new James Bond AND Charlie Brown movies open.

 George Wallace ‏@MrGeorgeWallace  Oct 15
Whatever happened to syntax errors? Used to be all the rage. Everybody on their Commodore 64s makin' syntax errors and whatnot.

 tomsauce ‏@trojansauce  Oct 15
[pitching tv idea]

ME: and we'll call it 'that's so raven'

EXEC: omg i love it!

EDGAR ALLAN POE: this isn't the script I wrote even a bit

 Julius Sharpe ‏@juliussharpe  Oct 15
Your work computer allows you to experience what it would be like if your regular computer had a concussion.

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 15
The best thing about October is that it's ok to listen to "Addams Groove" by MC Hammer

 Julius Sharpe ‏@juliussharpe  Oct 15
People who think we should interpret the Constitution from the Founding Fathers' intent should be forced to get medical care from that era.

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 15
Stop saying it's you "in the flesh." Stop it. That isn't necessary. I know you're there. It's gross.

 Awful Fantasy ‏@AwfulFantasy  Oct 15
"The alien pyramid was awe-inspiring. The walls were on the sides, with a ceiling up top. The walls were covered in those ancient cartoons."

 Jay Kristoff ‏@misterkristoff  Oct 15
Breaking news:
3rd Fantastic Four reboot inbound
Die Hard origin story underway
Screenwriter with original thought dies penniless in gutter

 Dismember November ‏@bombsfall  Oct 15
When you saw only one reflection,
It was then that Dracula carried you.

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 15
{Describing a knife} It's like when your food isn't dead enough so you want to stab it more

 Victoria Aveyard ‏@VictoriaAveyard  Oct 15
ANOTHER DIRECTOR WOULD HAVE PEAKED WITH JURASSIC PARK AND BEEN BLESSED FOR IT

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 14
Just want to apologize for my last 15,004 tweets. They were not up to my standards.

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 14
*Wakes up, feels a pain near my foot, looks down and sees a tattoo that says Madrid*

WIFE: What is that?
ME: Ugh, I Spained my ankle

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 14
You could believe it was butter if you had more confidence in yourself.

 Joseph Scrimshaw ‏@JosephScrimshaw  Oct 14
Tetris is a video game where more things than you can manage fall on you and you can never actually win. And we play it for FUN. Humans!

 Rob Kutner ‏@ApocalypseHow  Oct 14
Can someone just catch me up on all sports?

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 14
If I could ask God any three questions:
1. What is roller derby?
2. How do you win roller derby?
3. Is there a ball or what?

 Chris Schleicher ‏@cschleichsrun  Oct 14
I'm worried I've become too hot to be relatable.

 Trevor Moore ‏@itrevormoore  Oct 13
Pretty sure Bernie Sanders is my grandfather's Hannah Montana-like alter ego.

 Trevor Moore ‏@itrevormoore  Oct 13
Do we have to have a President?

 Joseph Scrimshaw ‏@JosephScrimshaw  Oct 13
All Presidential debates should be moderated by Jack Bauer like he's trying to locate a bomb. #DemDebate

 Nick Youssef ‏@NickYoussef  Oct 13
I'm at a coffeehouse with no wifi so now I know exactly what it was like to live in a cabin in North Dakota in the year 1891.

 andy levy ‏@andylevy  Oct 13
can't believe that kid who assaulted his aunt got off scot free

 Rob Kutner ‏@ApocalypseHow  Oct 13
Went in the mens' room and saw a guy in a weird security uniform shining a flashlight in the urinal. My life directed by Terry Gilliam

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 13
DATE: So what do you like to do?
ME: Enter hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You mean "eating?"
ME: *thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 13
My family is sitting in a circle reading thru my 15-page manifesto, "We Need to Start Eating the Costco Mango Slices Before They Get Slimy"

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 13
Anyone want to come to my new Chopin Mic night? BYO Piano.

 Joseph Scrimshaw ‏@JosephScrimshaw  Oct 12
Ways to beat the heat:
-Fan yourself
-Say "oh my" a lot
-Embrace the sky demons inside you, burst into a flame bird, fulfill your destiny

 Sawyer Thing ‏@videosawyer  Oct 12
Fried Green Tomatoes but with Alien Xenomorphs

 Michael ‏@Home_Halfway  Oct 12
I met someone who cleans teeth and plays the cymbals.

She's a den-tsst.

 MKupperman ‏@MKupperman  Oct 12
I do this crazy, outdated, archaic thing while I'm walking- it's called "looking where I'm going."

 ANDREW W.K. ‏@AndrewWK  Oct 12
PARTY TIP: Be really, really nice and listen to Slayer.

 Joseph Scrimshaw ‏@JosephScrimshaw  Oct 12
For hours of fun: Pretend every person you see with a mustache is cosplaying Super Mario. Add the overalls in your mind. Bliss.

 Max Dylan Ash ‏@mynameisntdave  Oct 12 Manhattan, NY
ME: I wish I could pull off this sweater

FRIEND: I think it looks good on you

ME: no I mean I glued it to myself

 Scott Adams ‏@ScottAdamsSays  Oct 12
Bad analogies are like corn.

 Awful Fantasy ‏@AwfulFantasy  Oct 12
"She set her laser pistol to Destructo-beam™ and fired!
*click*
'Your Destrcuto-beam trial has run out! Buy the full version for $54.99!'"

 Bradley P. Booliooo ‏@bbeaulieu  Oct 12 Manhattan, NY
I like oatmeal. It's basically an oatmeal cookie without all the bother of chewing.

 Dan Wells ‏@TheDanWells  Oct 12
This episode of Sesame Street is teaching kids to introduce themselves to people on planes, and I'm like NO, NEVER TALK TO PEOPLE ON PLANES.

 Tim Siedell ‏@badbanana  Oct 12
If you're bummed because it's Monday just remember that any day, even a Saturday, is one day closer to death. Today is no different.

 Beau Hartenstine ‏@madcaplaughs30  Oct 11
Slimer is nothing more than a ghost head with a stomach. A misunderstood genius.

 Anthony Breznican ‏@Breznican  Oct 11
Story: Neighbors disgusted by man's grisly Halloween decoration call, knock on door, but he never answers. He's the body hanging from tree.

 pat tobin ‏@tastefactory  Oct 11
COP: Have you been drinking
ME: No
COP: Sir, please recite the alphabet backwards
ME: Ok but if it awakens an ancient evil, that's on you

 Ceej ‏@ceejoyner  Oct 11
If your corn maze has never claimed a human life I'm not paying to go in there.

 Tristan Williams ‏@tristanwilliams  Oct 11 Charlottesville, VA
Last night I cat called a man just as he finished cat calling a woman. He didn't care for being hollered at by a man driving by. #irony

 Ferrett Steinmetz ‏@ferretthimself  Oct 11
You will be a lot happier when you realize that people sometimes make books, movies, and TV shows to please people who are not you.

 Erin M. Evans ‏@erinmevans  Oct 11
It takes a Dickensian lack of empathy to think it doesn't matter if people (ESPECIALLY KIDS) have books they see someone like themselves in.

 George Wallace ‏@MrGeorgeWallace  Oct 11
Shout out to the top three looms, family heir, Fruit of the, and Orlando B

 MKupperman ‏@MKupperman  Oct 11
The greatest pork the Devil ever pulled was pulled pork.

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 11
Enjoy the show! Here are your 2 tickets, and these 2 pieces of paper that look exactly like tickets but are not tickets.

 Kevin Seccia ‏@kevinseccia  Oct 11
I should be able to tell the difference between your tweets and your suicide note.

 Joe Hill ‏@joe_hill  Oct 10
Sorry, guys. Nothing in Potter ever sucked like Menace. And the weakest Potter? Still better than 4 of 6 Star Wars movies. Deal.

 Joe Hill ‏@joe_hill  Oct 10
Just FYI, the Potter franchise is substantially better than the Star Wars franchise. Really not even close.

 Gloria Fallon ‏@GloriaFallon123  Oct 10
If I've learned anything from Facebook, it's that everyone has a birthday

 Amanda ‏@Pandamoanimum  Oct 10
"Any questions?"

"How come Scrooge McDuck never broke his neck when diving into that pile of gold coins?"

"Questions about the job"

"No"

 Ben Cohen ‏@UniqueDude2  Oct 10
don't go to bed angry, don't go to the grocery store hungry, basically avoid any emotions or feelings

 Joseph Scrimshaw ‏@JosephScrimshaw  Oct 10
I didn't have a podcast to record today so I just screamed some jokes and opinions about movies out of my open window. Please rate & review.

 Kevin J Anderson ‏@TheKJA  Oct 10
As someone who writes giant multi-volume epics, I find it a little insulting that Candy Crush calls itself a "Saga."

 Kevin Seccia ‏@kevinseccia  Oct 10
It's unfortunate but the yelling and threats of physical harm really get in the way of the message this pro wrestler is trying to convey.

 Dan Wells ‏@TheDanWells  Oct 10
An old Chinese lady in the subway playing "Don't Stop 'till You Get Enough" on a Marimba is everything I love about New York.

 Black Girls Nerd Out ‏@weblackandnerds  Oct 10 Seattle, WA
"Dystopian fiction is white people living in conditions that brown people currently live in every day" #GGC15
Play

 Gerard Mulligan ‏@GerardMulligan1  Oct 10
I have a million-dollar idea. Send me a million dollars and it's yours.

 Joe Hill ‏@joe_hill  Oct 10
If the world could hold off Armageddon for a while - no lobbing nuclear missiles, etc - I'd appreciate it. I have a very full Netflix queue.

 Joe Hill ‏@joe_hill  Oct 10
I think I'm a very patient, even tempered fella, but spelling errors in my own text messages always give me a flash of genuine rage.

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 10
Wanted you to hear first that I haven't accepted a new job & haven't made any big changes. Excited to continue this same chapter of my life.

 AlexaMac Brandes ‏@TheWoodenslurpy  Oct 10
the greatest book on procrastination will never be written.

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 10
"Say hello to my little friend! Offer to take my little friend's coat! Ask if my little friend is thirsty!" -Tony Montana,  Etiquette Coach

 Nikki Glaser ‏@NikkiGlaser  Oct 10
Pretzel M&Ms "Sharing Size"? ahhahahhahahaha I don't think so

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 10
THEATER IDEA: plays should be short.

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 10
Fired up to get offended by something ultimately meaningless.

 Michael J Nelson ‏@michaeljnelson  Oct 9
My favorite part of The Martian was when Matt Damon shot Daffy Duck in the face with his disintegrating pistol and his beak spun around.

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 9
Just saw someone smoking an actual cigarette so I asked them where the nearest place was to pull taffy and get a wagon wheel fixed.

 Megan Amram ‏@meganamram  Oct 9
Gross fact: Taco Bell burritos contain less than 10% real bell

 Gerard Mulligan ‏@GerardMulligan1  Oct 9
My professional baseball career was cut short by lack of talent.

 Rob Kutner ‏@ApocalypseHow  Oct 9
"American Horror Story: Hotel" could do its entire season just focusing on the microbes on hotel bedspreads.

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 9
Pretty ballsy to name your crappy movie "Pan," a word that literally means "review of a crappy movie."

 Brendan O'Hare ‏@brendohare  Oct 9
ME: Waiter I require oats
WAITER: Yes you do sir
ME: As do you
WAITER: Thank you sir
ME: Oats for me & oats for you
WAITER: Excellent choice

 Matt Suddain ‏@suddain  Oct 9
I would gladly take a magic pill which instantly limited my choices in all areas of life to two.

 Michael Ian Black ‏@michaelianblack  Oct 9
At this point it might just be easier to get rid of schools than guns.

 claudia martin ‏@cloudypianos  Oct 9
elections: do you want this idiot to win or this idiot to win? you can only have one idiot

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 9
UPDATE: I just opened Netflix and the kids made a profile for the dog.

 Kevin Seccia ‏@kevinseccia  Oct 9
Saw a guy with a dumb hat and laughed but then immediately wondered if he was doing some new cool thing I hadn't heard about yet.

 Joe Hill ‏@joe_hill  Oct 8
I love metal. But if you can imagine all of music as a person, metal would be just one finger (the middle one).

 Tommy Wiseau ‏@TommyWiseau  Oct 8
You like make believe? How about believing making your self into what your make belief self is.

 Conan O'Brien ‏@ConanOBrien  Oct 8
I have a love/hate relationship with strong contradictory emotions.

 Edward Snowden ‏@Snowden  Oct 8
Three cats and you're a cat lady, right? But nobody ever called a guy a cat lord. #catlords

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 8
I can't find my one fleece I like. I thought maybe it was in the car but no dice. Not sure what my next move is here, maybe a Kickstarter?

 pat tobin ‏@tastefactory  Oct 8
WAITER: Today's special is updog
ME: Wait u actually serve updog? I was gonna ask for it to be a dick. Well I'll try it
WAITER:Very good sir

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 8
A fun idea when characters in a motion picture or TV program get their motors running & get out on the highway is to play "Born to be Wild".

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 8
I love that tweets are "sent". I imagine mine being carried by a kindly mailman, then gently placed into your computers & phones with a wink

 George Wallace ‏@MrGeorgeWallace  Oct 8
What the hell is brimstone? Why is it always on fire? And is instant coffee involved and whatnot?

 Rob Kutner ‏@ApocalypseHow  Oct 8
You have to admit, "May the Force be with you" is a much better farewell than their original one, "TOODLE-OO, FORCE TIME! LOL"

 Julius Sharpe ‏@juliussharpe  Oct 8
Probably took "Throwback Thursday" too far by showing up at my mom's house wearing a diaper. #tbt #diaper

 Zack ‏@Mr_Kapowski  Oct 8
We should've cremated Michael Jackson in case of the zombie apocalypse or else people will think they're part of a Thriller flash mob

 Austin Smith ‏@smithaustin  Oct 8
Hardest thing about being a lawyer (and what makes us so annoying): it's really hard to figure out at what level to stop adding caveats.

 MKupperman ‏@MKupperman  Oct 8
I have a friend who works for the Star Whackers and he always complains about how hard it is to *get* Randy Quaid, they've tried everything

 Rob Kutner ‏@ApocalypseHow  Oct 7
Google has gotten rid of their corporate motto, "Don't Be Evil." But they’ve replaced it with “Now you die, Mr. Bond.”

 ashley barnhill ‏@ashley_barnhill  Oct 7
Some people are so quick to judge. I always notice this right away.

 Joseph Scrimshaw ‏@JosephScrimshaw  Oct 7
Rick Moranis doesn't want to be in Ghostbusters. Daniel Craig doesn't want to do Bond films. CLEARLY, MORANIS SHOULD BE THE NEXT JAMES BOND.

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 7
"I dunno, you just feel so distant. So cold. What... happened to us?"

"Sir, I'm gonna ask for your license and registration ONE more time."

 Julius Sharpe ‏@juliussharpe  Oct 7
Somehow we've been tricked into thinking we can only eat popcorn at the movies. You can eat it all the time. You won't get arrested.

 jon hendren ‏@fart  Oct 7
instead of saying i have emotional baggage i say im "pushing a feelbarrow" and this is one of the many reasons everyone loves me at parties

 Bob Schooley ‏@Rschooley  Oct 7
Why is it no politician ever gets a message from God to quit and go work in a homeless shelter?

 Ceej ‏@ceejoyner  Oct 7
As far as birds know 21 gun salutes are unprovoked attacks so they poop on civilians in retaliation.

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 7
If you open up Nick Nolte there are five Gary Buseys that are smaller and smaller 'til you get to the cutest, itty bitty Gary Busey.

 Awful Fantasy ‏@AwfulFantasy  Oct 7
"He laughed nervously. 'I suppose I better get started on my quest, then.'

END OF BOOK 4"

 Ryan Reynolds ‏@VancityReynolds  Oct 7
Pretty sure most professional mimes have intimacy issues. At least the really dedicated ones.

 Gerard Mulligan ‏@GerardMulligan1  Oct 6
Data breach at Trump hotels.Trump: "It's yuge. It's the most spectacular data breach in history.All other data breaches are pathetic losers"

 G.T. Collins ‏@fleshcake  Oct 6
There's nothing beast mode OG kush about littering

 Neal Brennan ‏@nealbrennan  Oct 6
Humans are really having our way with chickens. It's a blowout.

 AlexaMac Brandes ‏@TheWoodenslurpy  Oct 6
I can tell so much about a person just by guessing.

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 6
People whose sneezes sound like coughs are putting a lot of pressure on people who like saying "bless you" and honestly I'm sick of it.

 Troy Johnson ‏@_troyjohnson  Oct 6
Your PG-13 humor aprons are tearing this family apart.

 JRD Skinner ‏@JRDSkinner  Oct 6
New Idea: It’s like a crossfit gym, but the only equipment is a number of those giant mill wheels from Conan the Barbarian.

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 6
"When I die this will all be yours. It's what Meemaw would've wanted"

"Sir I'm gonna ask you ONE more time for your license & registration"

 Dana Gould ‏@danagould  Oct 6
Underneath all the robots and lasers, Star Wars is the simple story of three close friends pulling off a massive, deadly terrorist attack.

 Nathan ‏@stockejock  Oct 6
I just responded 'I'm good' to a text & autocorrect changed it to 'I'm hood' so yeah-I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me.

 Joseph Scrimshaw ‏@JosephScrimshaw  Oct 6
If I had to turn a crank to make my internet go faster, I'd either be really strong or suddenly not need to read as many listicles.

 Joe Hill ‏@joe_hill  Oct 6
Batman fistsplains his moral code to Joker.


 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 6
BREAKING: DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince announce world tour. Expected to be the most anticipated 3 1/2 song concert of all time.

 Stephen King ‏@StephenKing  Oct 5
After the last 5 years of cable TV, most network drama feels to me like a big helping of mashed potatoes on Wonder Bread. Very bland fare.

 Rob Kutner ‏@ApocalypseHow  Oct 5
I'm caught up on all major TV shows, and planning to "binge-parent" my kids the week of their 18th birthdays.

 Matt Knudsen ‏@mattknudsen  Oct 5
I tell my wife that I love her exclusively through Facebook posts.

 George Wallace ‏@MrGeorgeWallace  Oct 5
Did y'all know there are over 20 cities now? We live in an amazing time.

 Shawn ‏@CakeThrottle  Oct 5
Interviewer - It says here that you have 900 dependents?
Me, speaking slowly so I don't disturb my bee beard - That's a rough estimate

 Gerard Mulligan ‏@GerardMulligan1  Oct 5
Whoever named them the Rocky Mountains wasn't trying very hard.

 Rob Kutner ‏@ApocalypseHow  Oct 5
THE MARTIAN, except it's me trying to survive and escape from a cocktail party conversation.

 Conan O'Brien ‏@ConanOBrien  Oct 5
New York is imposing new rules for toplessness in Times Square. Guys, how many times do I have to say I was drunk and I’m sorry?

 Eileen Curtright ‏@eileencurtright  Oct 5
"We'll never make our product relevant to millennials w/out gifs, memes & twerking" I tell the stuffed shirts of the municipal water system

 Nikki Glaser ‏@NikkiGlaser  Oct 5
imagine if your dad was a YouTube star

 Bumbling Mummy ‏@bumblingmumbler  Oct 5
Woke up to no ice cream in the freezer, so there's really no point in getting out of bed.

 Megan Amram ‏@meganamram  Oct 5
Another day down where I managed to keep all my blood inside my body!!

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 5
You're not really giving someone a tour of your home if you don't wittily say "this is where the magic happens" as you show them the bedroom

 Nikki Glaser ‏@NikkiGlaser  Oct 5
imagine taking nothing personally

 G.T. Collins ‏@fleshcake  Oct 5
Reading about famous monkey crimes.  Love will have to wait.

 Gerard Mulligan ‏@GerardMulligan1  Oct 5
Coast Guard had to rescue guy who fell off JetSki he was riding in the ocean during the Nor'easter. He remains in Stupid condition.

 Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w  Oct 5
I just saved $2.50 on a bag of cat food and now I'm wondering: Is this a perfect end to a week -- or -- an explosive start to a new one

 Pumpkin Spiceotope ‏@BuckyIsotope  Oct 4
“Isn’t anyone going to talk about the elephant in the room?”
*I look up to see elephant making throat slash gesture with his trunk*
No

 AmberTozer ‏@AmberTozer  Oct 4
Trying to get my parents to move to LA so I can move in with them

 LDS Bishop ‏@ldsbishop  Oct 4
I put my shoulder to the wheel. Now my shoulder has terrible friction burns. #ldsconf

 Brian Lynch ‏@BrianLynch  Oct 4
Downton Abbey but set in Downtown Disney

 Kevin Seccia ‏@kevinseccia  Oct 4
A politician was on a comedy show, that's crazy!?!

 Rob Kutner ‏@ApocalypseHow  Oct 4
Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy are one thing, but how do you break it to a child that Disco is dead?

 Ryan Reynolds ‏@VancityReynolds  Oct 4
Sunday Funday. Gonna get my belly button pierced. Or desperately scream for help at anyone who'll listen.

 Kevin Seccia ‏@kevinseccia  Oct 4
Today's plan is mostly horizontal with some brief vertical moments mixed in later if I'm feeling ambitious.

 Marshall Camden ‏@yesbutmarshall  Oct 4
One time my uncles took me deep-sea fishing and I spent most of the trip in the boat cabin reading a book about dragons.

 Sara Schaefer ‏@saraschaefer1  Oct 4
Who told the young men they would be issued a girlfriend

 Gerard Mulligan ‏@GerardMulligan1  Oct 4
"You think I care about rhetorical questions?"

 Karen Kilgariff ‏@KarenKilgariff  Oct 4
If your funny story goes longer than 30 seconds I walk

 Nick Youssef ‏@NickYoussef  Oct 4
Shame on shame culture.

 Nick Youssef ‏@NickYoussef  Oct 4
Reactionary bloggers keep trying to make joking synonymous with shaming which when I think about it is comedian shaming. I demand apologies.

 Tim Siedell ‏@badbanana  Oct 3
I'm going as "The Martian" for Halloween in case you're wondering why I'm nowhere near your party.

 pat tobin ‏@tastefactory  Oct 3
The ultimate troll in the history of trolling is candy companies calling tiny candy bars "fun size"

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 3
I don't usually get political on here, but here goes: I think many drinking fountains are a little too cold.

 pat tobin ‏@tastefactory  Oct 3
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

 Joseph Scrimshaw ‏@JosephScrimshaw  Oct 3
The third rule of Fight Club is: This is a great joke structure. Keep using it for at least 15 years after the film is out.

 Earl Cahill ‏@spackest  Oct 3
Haven't they suffered long enough? Isn't it about time we start allowing (accepting) outside food and drink?

 LDS Bishop ‏@ldsbishop  Oct 3
Fun #ldsconf fact: Prior to his call to the Q12, Dallin H. Oaks played the role of Mr. Strickland in the Back to the Future movies. Slackers

 Don Nichols ‏@TheDairylandDon  Oct 3
We all have that one neighbor who takes the Halloween decorating too far and the National Guard has to come battle their skeleton army.

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 3
MOUNT RUSHMORE GOOFS: those 4 presidents were never alive at the same time and could not have posed together.

 Patellraiser ‏@ghostwritingcow  Oct 3
Your password must contain two special characters who talk to each other about something other than a number.

 Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w  Oct 3
It's comforting to know that if nothing else works out, you can always become an adult obsessed with Disney

 Scott Adams ‏@ScottAdamsSays  Oct 3
I dream of a world where everyone pursues their passion. The restrooms in that world are filthy.

 MKupperman ‏@MKupperman  Oct 3
It's time to get rid of muppets. They were first designed as a way to repurpose excess shag carpeting left over from vans in the 1970s.

 pat tobin ‏@tastefactory  Oct 3
In movies, every time a character says the title of the movie, they should look into the camera and slowly raise their eyebrows

 jonathan katz ‏@jonathan_katz  Oct 3 Toronto, Ontario
Don't fly on an airline that insists on a copy of your dental records.

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 2
"I am wrapping up my TV show to make movies in which my beloved characters, the Muppets, are seen to ride bicycles." —Jim Henson, 1979

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 2
Stopped a guy in a wheelchair from telling me about his tours in Iraq. I was all, "My phone barely keeps a charge anymore, bro. So I get it"

 Tim Siedell ‏@badbanana  Oct 2
So a guy witnesses monsters mashing and then goes home and writes a hit song called "Monster Mash?" Talk about cultural appropriation!

 ASW ‏@TotallyAllen  Oct 2
Guns should smoke pot.

 Neil deGrasse Tyson ‏@neiltyson  Oct 2
The @MartianMovie — where you learn all the ways that being Scientifically Literate can save your life.

 Robo-saurus ‏@ewfeez  Oct 2
Everyone's got that one racist uncle, aunt, mom, dad, grandpa, grandma, stepbrother and several cousins

 Conan O'Brien ‏@ConanOBrien  Oct 2
I can’t believe Matt Damon is alone on Mars without Ben Affleck.

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 2
Schrodinger's Pope

 JRD Skinner ‏@JRDSkinner  Oct 2
Today I'm wishing more of my job was centered around arguing why Sabbath's Master of Reality was their last good album.

 Eric Allen Hatch ‏@ericallenhatch  Oct 1
STAR WARS (1977): Following a senseless planet-explosion tragedy, politicizing libs try to regulate planet-exploding super-weapon ownership.

 Ken Jennings ‏@KenJennings  Oct 1
It's Oct. 1, 2015 & you know what that means: just 3 more weeks max for the "two neckties at once" fad from Back to the Future 2 to catch on

 Nick Youssef ‏@NickYoussef  Oct 1
Guns don't kill people, but they do seem to be the preferred weapon of crazy people who love to kill people.

So maybe some laws for that?

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 1
"Okay Jack, let's switch places for a few minutes while you rest, then we'll switch places again & so on" -Rose if she didn't want Jack dead

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 1
There aren't enough sassy, white assistants in urban romantic comedies.

 Megan Amram ‏@meganamram  Oct 1
I dated a man for two years before I learned he was a “walk” signal in an intersection

 Dan Ewen ‏@VaguelyFunnyDan  Oct 1
"It's, like, a trap," Larissa said, eyeing the cliff or whatever. "I'm literally scared right now." - From my YA novel, RISE OF THE REPLICAS

 Kevin Seccia ‏@kevinseccia  Oct 1
"Do you have plans tonight?"

"Uh just tell me what your thing is first and then I'll answer."

 Chris Regan ‏@ChrisRRegan  Oct 1
James Dean was a bit much.

 Frank Whitehouse ‏@WheelTod  Mar 27
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

 Oblivia ‏@aveuaskew  2 Dec 2013
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

 Sam Grittner ‏@SamGrittner  Sep 26
Halloween is coming up and I still have no idea what I'm going to be for the rest of my life.

 Nick Amadeus ‏@NickAmadeus  8 Jun 2014
I'm so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

 Mariya Alexander ‏@MariyaAlexander  26 Jul 2014
Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that's also a desperate attempt not to die

 Andy H. ‏@AndyAsAdjective  9 Nov 2013
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

 dan mentos ‏@DanMentos  25 Jun 2014
"Son, we need to talk"
Ok dad
"You were an accident"
Wow, ok. Thanks for telling me.
"And you were adopted. We adopted you by accident"

 Abe Yospe ‏@Cheeseboy22  Sep 22
I wear a clown mask to sleep just in case one of my kids has a nightmare and comes to sleep in our bed.

 Frank Whitehouse ‏@WheelTod  26 Mar 2014
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

 AmberTozer ‏@AmberTozer  Sep 9
Sorry I stared at your dog until he finished pooping I just don't have anything else going on right now

 Jason Lastname ‏@JasonLastname  26 Aug 2013
Don't cry because it's over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

 Gold Mantis ‏@fujichia  Sep 30
- much ado about nothing
- 2 much 2 nothing
- much ado 3: toyko drift
- much nothing
- much 5
- much ado 6
- nothing 7

 sad tree ‏@sad_tree  Nov 12
Judge: Order in the court!
[some guy yells]
"I'll have a cold cut!"
Judge: Bailiff, plz shoot that man right in his face as hard as you can

 Alex Schmidt ‏@AlexSchmidty  Aug 4
So we all just accepted Thundercats as a thing huh

Jonathan Doyle ‏@inpoliteco  30 Jun 2012
Oh, you put your take-out food on a plate? Did you just get back from your polo match with the queen?

 vladchoc ‏@vladchoc  7 Jun 2012
Math problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It's not really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.

 Danny Charnley ‏@DanKCharnley  Sep 29
I brushed my beard and several cans of Mountain Dew fell out. Such is the life of a successful Dungeon Master, I guess.

 Rachel Fisher ‏@TheRachelFisher  Dec 2
I hope at the end of Twitter we all get the hug we were looking for in the first place
You made it! But is your quest really complete?


-Phony McFakename

* * *

Legal disclaimer: Me am on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and YouTube and even Pinterest if that's your thing. And me books am on Amazon and Barnes & Noble and Kobo and probably some other places, too.

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