Cinemasterworks: "A Ghost Story" and THE PIE

I don't normally go out for movies in the theater anymore. Name a reason.

-People talking
-People texting
-Can't get a babysitter
-Too expensive
-Poor/unoriginal movie quality

But A Ghost Story grabbed my attention. I love me a quality horror movie and this one got positive buzz all across the Internet (Check out its Tomato score!). It seemed like one of those clever, low-budget sleepers that you hear about later and wish you'd seen on the big screen.

So when I saw it pop up at the local indie cinema, I cheered! I want to support original, independent cinema! Here was my chance!

I knew nothing about it, I just wanted to experience something special. Been too long since I went into a movie cold.

So when the wife took the kids to visit family, I treated myself to a ticket to this flick at the local arthouse theater, where people typically respect the odd and artsy film.

And sure enough, the crowd was cool.

Lights went down and everyone shut up. Not a phone in sight.

The movie starts really slow. Every shot lingers for an uncomfortably long amount of time.

But I got that. It was building atmosphere. And the 70s Kodak-filter look of the thing, combined with its unique, boxy 1.33:1 aspect ratio, was interesting.

And hey look, Oscar-winner Casey Affleck! I didn't know he was in this! Neat.

The relationship dynamic between the two leads is a bit cold and mumble-core-y, but I guess they'll demonstrate more warmth and develop it more later.

I got a little pensive when a shot of the couple laying silently in bed together lasted for what felt like a minute. (Especially after they'd already used the same shot of the same thing for about 30 seconds straight a few minutes earlier in the film.) But I trusted that it was building toward something.

And sure enough, the next scene is a gut-puncher. (SPOILER: Casey Affleck dies. He's the "ghost" of the movie's title.) I accepted its payoff.

So there you go. A main character is dead and wandering around covered in a white sheet with two eye-holes cut out, truly an old-school ghost of the highest order.

That's cool. Haven't seen that trope played seriously before. Some neat shots of him wandering through hallways and through fields.

Okay, the film has made very little narrative progress in the first 20 minutes, but the atmosphere is thick, so I'm cutting it some slack.

Then...THE PIE happens.

A woman walks into a house and leaves THE PIE for the mourning widow. She leaves a note by THE PIE. She walks out of the house. This scene takes a very long time, but I didn't clock it.

Then the silent sheet-covered ghost in the house hangs out and looks at THE PIE. This also takes a long time.

Then the widow walks into the house, derps around, and then notices THE PIE. She takes THE PIE into the kitchen. This takes--SURPRISE!--a long time.

And then THE PIE scene happens.

The widow SLOWLY gets a fork. Then places that fork in the pie. Then brings that forkful of pie to her mouth. She chews it. Swallows it. Pauses.

Then the widow places her fork in the pie AGAIN. Brings that NEW forkful of pie to her mouth. Chews it ONCE MORE. Swallows it YET AGAIN. Takes ANOTHER pause.

You will never guess what happens next.

Here it comes...

SHE TAKES ANOTHER BITE OF PIE!

This continues, silently, for five minutes.

Now you're thinking: C'mon, it was probably one minute at most. You're exaggerating. The movie didn't really waste FIVE MINUTES of its running time showing a widow stress-eating a pie!

Yes. Yes, it did. Five minutes of its 90-minute running time were spent with that widow eating her pie.

Now about 4:30 into that scene, she finally sheds a tear while eating a piece of the pie. That's SOMETHING! But no way is it enough to justify the 1960s Andy Warhol-level of cinematic monotony that was just inflicted upon us.

Even then, like an abuse victim, I tried to cognitive dissonance-myself into believing it was gonna get better and that there was a reason for THE PIE. I actually stayed for the next scene in hopes that it was gonna have a payoff.

Nope. Just another molasses-slow scene with silent people slowly moving from room to room.

Irredeemable.

This is why people don't like art movies. Because they abuse your attention span and troll you with pseudo-intellectual and pseudo-emotional nonsense.

I walked out on the film.

This marks A Ghost Story as the first film I ever paid for and then walked out on. The theater manager, to her credit, gave me a free pass. I told her that her theater was great, but the movie was unwatchable and unforgivable. She mentioned that she planned to see A Ghost Story the next day.

"Hope you like pie," I responded.

I looked it up when I got home and it turns out I wasn't the only one who took note of this scene.

Please add my voice to the anti-THE PIE demographic. There are a thousand cinematic methods for demonstrating grief. Showing a widow stress-eating pie for five silent minutes was the worst one you could possibly choose.

To this movie's credit, I will never forget it. And I'll think about it every time I see pie. The other night, I was reading my kids a book where a toddler magically makes nine pies appear.

I blinked and muttered, "Nine pies...That's 45 minutes of screen time in A Ghost Story."


-Phony McFakename

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