Orphaned Books: Parenting Advice Book

I had an idea for a fun, no-nonsense parenting book: You Are Not Your Kid's Bitch.

Then I learned there's a book on Amazon that already does exactly what I wanted to do. It even has almost the same title.

So, nevermind. Here's the outline instead, no charge!

DEDICATION

For our darling little ones.

And for all our friends who are seeking advice about having little ones.

Also for all our friends who want to have reasons not to have little ones.

INTRODUCTION

Children are terrible people.

Also beautiful, wonderful miracles of creation.

Bless their hearts.

They grind you down and push you to the limits of your sanity each and every day.

There’s really no way to win at parenting, you can just do your best to lose with dignity.

Read this handy guide and I will help you lose as gracefully as possible.

And win a little bit here and there.

PRE-CONCEPTION

Don’t read or learn too much. It’s useless trivia until you have a kid there to apply it on.

Advice books (such as this one) are wash-and-wear. Don’t worry about stuff in here too much until you have to.

I mean, go ahead and read this book because it’s awesome and entertaining. 
But don’t bother with those other parenting books before you’re even pregnant. They’ll just stress you out.

In short: if you want to have kids, have kids. If you don’t want to have kids, don’t have kids.

Ideally, find someone who shares your preference on this issue.

CONCEPTION

Have fun with it. Will make you both more happy and relaxed. 
If possible, don’t tell your fella when you’re ovulating, so he thinks he’s just getting laid all the time.

PREGNANCY

What you can/can’t do. 
What you should/shouldn’t do. 
Things they say you need that you don’t. 
Don’t believe anyone. 
Ignore everything, including this. You do you. 
Lamaze is a waste of time and home births add minutes to the amount of time it takes medical professionals to help you in case of emergency. That’s a life-and-death matter. Again: your choice. But if your kid strangles due to a breech because you added a fifteen minute drive to the wait time before a doctor could save your kids’ life, you have to live with that.

BIRTH

Take drugs, get as many free snacks as you can legally take from the hospital, minimize expenses.

BRINGING HOME BABY: BUNKER MODE

Google is your friend. 
Also get to know someone who’s had a new kid in the past couple years.
Postpartum depression. Know the signs. Do your best to head it off before it takes control.
Breastfeeding is brutal, painful, self-destructive, and overrated. Ignore cultural/familial pressure to do it. Formula is your friend. It eases your burden and helps your baby fill up faster and sleep better. Also it frees you up to turn your body into a chemical playground for painkillers and antidepressants, if you need them. And you probably need them.

INFANCY

Sleep training, do what you gotta do. Don't be afraid of your baby crying at night. Unless they're sick, the things only cry if they're hungry, tired, or need a changed diaper. If their diaper is clean and they're fed, put them to bed. No exceptions.
Partners: sleep in shifts, if possible.

Stay engaged with your hobbies and things that energize you.

YEAR ONE

Get them moving.

You stay moving, too.

TODDLERS: NOT YOUR BOSS

Communication and activity strategies.

Watch out for “Permit Patties.”

Check with CPS in your state to see what you can and can’t let your kids do, and at what age.

STAYING MARRIED

Date nights, therapy, communication, don't let resentments or perceived responsibility inequalities fester or build up.

ESCAPE HATCHES

Join a local gym that offers childcare, take kids to camp in summer, take initiative to get them into early school/pre-pre-school, trade babysitter nights with friends who have kids, take mini-vacations.

OUTRO

If you don’t have kids: join the party, come on into the pool, the water’s fine!

If you do have kids: isn’t this terrible? Ugh. The worst. How do we get through the day!?

It’s an adventure.

And hopefully the tools in this book can help you stay sane as you undertake the adventure.

THE END

There. Everything you need to know about parenting. In outline form.


-B.P. Kasik/Phony McFakename

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My "legitimate" books are on Amazon here and my Phony McFakename books are on Amazon here. I exist on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram but I only really post regularly on Instagram.