It's a fun read. Dracula makes no apologies for being a vampire and says it's no worse than being human. We eat meat, he eats blood, so hey.
Now, the elephant in the room: it's padded. It reproduces huge chunks of the text from Stoker's "Dracula" when it could have just given us abridgments.2
Nowhere is this more clear than in this line:
"Van Helsing's answer was yes. I paraphrase, omitting some five hundred words."
You could've omitted words more consistently, Fred!
Now let's look at Dracula's claims in this book and see if they hold up under scrutiny when we compare them to Stoker's depiction. And yes, I know these are both works of fiction.3 Let's clap our hands if we believe in fairies and pretend they're real, for fun's sake.
Harker's Castle Visit
This is a tricky one, because Jonathan Harker's journal makes his stay at the castle sound like a non-stop nightmare. Not so, says the vampire:
-When Harker cuts himself shaving and Dracula lunges at his neck...
Dracula claims he was actually concerned for Harker's safety and wanted to help him quickly stop the flow of blood. His defense is basically "Yeah, I like blood, and I find it attractive, but I can control my urges. Do you human males attack and lunge at every woman who you find attractive? You do not. So there."
-When Harker sees Dracula hand what appears to be a baby in a bag to his vampire mistresses...
Dracula says that was actually a baby pig he was feeding to his fellow vampires and shame on Harker for having such a depraved mind to think Dracula would kill an innocent human baby.
-When that gypsy woman storms Dracula's castle gates and demands the return of her child...
Dracula says Harker mistranslated what she said- she was actually petitioning Dracula for help in finding her child. She wasn't accusing him of taking her child.
-When Dracula seemingly blocks Jonathan Harker's exit from the castle with wolves under his control...
Dracula says he actually invited the wolves there to accompany Harker on his journey and make sure he was unmolested on his way through the dangerous mountain terrain. He had no intention of forcing Harker to stay against his will!
The Boat Ride
-When everyone on the crew dies on Dracula's fateful boat trip from Transylvania to England...
Dracula claims there was a first mate who went nuts and started killing people and throwing them overboard and when everyone was dead, he hurled himself off the boat. This was the first point in the story where I didn't believe Dracula at all.
Lucy
-When Lucy is seduced by Dracula and turned into a vampire...
Dracula owns up to it. He did it. But he claims it was consensual. And that he didn't respect the guy Lucy was engaged to, so he felt no guilt stepping in there. He was very Vanilla Ice about it: "Drop that zero and get with the hero."
-When Dracula turns Lucy into a vampire...
Again, he admits it. He says humans reproduce, so why shouldn't he? And that again, it was totally consensual.
Mina
-When Dracula seduces Mina...
Surprise! He admits it, but same as Lucy, says it was consensual.
-When Mina claims Dracula attacked her and she's terrified of him...
Dracula says they came up with that cover story together and she said it so that no one would know how truly in love she was with Dracula. They were planning to elope together.
Renfield
-So what about the bug-eating deranged Dracula slave, Renfield?
Dracula says he always thought he was nuts. He was just humoring Renfield whenever he talked to him. He treated him like an obsessed fanboy and that he never promised to free Renfield or turn him into a fellow vampire.
-So why did Dracula kill Renfield?
He says it was because Renfield lusted after Mina and claimed that if he was ever freed, he'd assault her. Dracula said "No me gusta" and whacked Renfield to keep Mina safe.
Van Helsing
-And what's up with Van Helsing, the original Buffy?
Dracula says the dude was almost as nuts as Renfield. He claims Van Helsing was a bloodthirsty fanatic who wanted to kill vampires to gratify his urges to hurt others. Dracula claims he talked to Van Helsing one-on-one and said he wanted peace, but that Van Helsing wanted war and didn't care who got hurt in the process.
-What about the blood transfusions and all the science Van Helsing used, trying to save lives?
Dracula said Van Helsing was ignorant and doing more harm than good. He says the blood transfusions actually hurt their recipients and that modern day science would show that Van Helsing was mixing incompatible blood types and making Lucy sick.
Dracula claims he warned Van Helsing that his medical techniques were barabaric and Van Helsing admitted Dracula might be right, but he kept doing transfusions anyway. This sets up Dracula's claim that he drained Lucy's blood in order to PROTECT her from the faulty transfusion.
Verdict
I think Dracula's mostly telling the truth in "The Dracula Tape." I'm willing to allow that he's not the super-evil monster Stoker made him out to be.
A lot of the stuff in the castle sounds like it was cultural misunderstanding due to Harker's London-centrism and social awkwardness due to Dracula living alone for a century or two.
And Dracula's unrepentant honesty about his Lucy and Mina shenanigans also lends credibility to his defense against the nastier accusations.4
This is a totally complete and satisfying book and I thought it was a stand-alone. But I just Wikipedia'd the author and as it turns out, this is Book One in a ten book Series. Ugh. That makes me like it less. Not everything needs to be a never-ending franchise!
* * *
1. Well, yes. It is a coincidence. "Interview With the Vampire" was based on a story Rice wrote in 1968, so fair enough, it's a coincidence.
2. We've all read "Dracula," amiright? Even if you haven't, you know the story. If you don't- well...Saberhagen's gratuitous quoting from "Dracula" might actually be helpful for you.
3. Dracula is based on a real historical figure, though- Vlad Tepes. Mean guy. He'd as soon impale ya as look at ya.
4. I still say Dracula devoured everyone on that boat, though. No way I believe some crazy first mate did that.
-Phony McFakename
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