As a public service once a month, I share a few of my favorite things. In quote form. I'm no longer including neat quotes from Twitter, since they take up way too much blog space. If you want to see what I think was funny on that site, here's the link. And here we go!
“You can’t
rollerskate in a buffalo herd.”
-Roger
Miller
“Be slow to
trust a man with clothing that was too new. You didn’t get to wear new, clean
clothing by doing honest work.”
-Brandon
Sanderson, Shadows of Self
“The sun
barfed heat onto the desert.”
-Bentley
Little, The Disappearance
"Traveling
with 3- and 4-year-old boys is like transferring serial killers from a prison.
You have to be constantly aware."
-Jim
Gaffigan
“December
3rd, 2015 is not the day Scott Weiland died. It is the official day the public
will use to mourn him, and it was the last day he could be propped up in front
of a microphone for the financial benefit or enjoyment of others.“
-Scott
Weiland’s widow
"Let me
tell you something about a nuclear holocaust. You think it's hard to get a cab
now?"
-Gilbert
Gottfried
“Have you
ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist, wrapped in blood!”
-Closer
“Two words I
don’t like- ‘tombs’ and ‘unearthed.’ People- you’ve gotta leave your tombs
earthed!”
-Angel, Season 2
“She’d grown
up with seven hundred brothers and knew how they thought, which was often quite
fast while being totally in the wrong direction.”
“Why do you
go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from
with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too.
Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”
“It's still
magic even if you know how it's done.”
“There isn't
a way things should be. There's just what happens, and what we do.”
“Learnin’
how not to do things is as hard as learning how to do them.”
-Terry
Pratchett, Hat Full of Sky
"How
did we traverse the nation with the railroad so quickly? We just threw Chinese
people in caves and blew ‘em up and didn’t give a s**t what happened to them.
There’s no end to what you can do when you don’t give a f**k about particular
people. You can do anything. That’s where human greatness comes from, is that
we’re s**tty people, that we f**k others over. Even today, how do we have this
amazing microtechnology? Because the factory where they’re making these- they
jump off the roof, because it’s a nightmare in there. You really have a choice.
You can have candles and horses and be a little kinder to each other or let
someone suffer immeasurably far away, just so you can leave a mean comment on
YouTube while you’re taking a s**t.”
-Louis C.K.
“Y’know what
money CAN buy? A SOLID GOLD GUN. That shoots DIAMOND BULLETS. I call it ‘The
Compensator.’”
-Daniel Way,
Deadpool (Issue 13)
“Don’t shake
that thing in my Hellevator!”
-Hellevator
"You
know what four dollars buys today? It don’t even buy three dollars!”
-Saturday
Night Fever
“The best
two days of a beach house owner’s life are the day he buys it and the day he
sells it.”
-Anonymous
“Television
screens saturated with commercials promote the utopian and childish idea that
all problems have fast, simple, and technological solutions. You must banish
from your mind the naive but commonplace notion that commercials are about
products. They are about products in the same sense that the story of Jonah is
about the anatomy of whales."
-Neil
Postman
“Money’s not
the prime asset. Time is.”
-Wall
Street: Money Never Sleeps
“What
doubles sin is saying to yourself, I will do this because I know I can pray for
forgiveness once it’s done. To say to yourself that you can have your cake and
eat it, too.”
-Stephen
King, “Morality”
“He was as
surprised as anyone when the fecal matter hit the cooling device.”
-Stephen
King, “Afterlife”
"In
every big transaction, ... there is a magic moment during which a man has
surrendered a treasure, and during which the man who is due to receive it has
not yet done so. An alert lawyer will make that moment his own, possessing the
treasure for a magic microsecond, taking a little of it, passing it on.”
-Kurt Vonnegut,
Jr., God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater
“I’m now
convinced that the worst thing a man can do with a telephone without breaking
the law is to call someone he doesn’t know and try to sell that person
something he doesn’t want.”
“If you ever
care to see how all the world’s most awful jokes spread, spend a day on a bond
trading desk. When the Challenger space shuttle disintegrated, sex people
called me from six points on the globe to explain that NASA stands for ‘Need
Another Seven Astronauts.’”
“If there is
one thing I learned on Wall Street, it’s that when an investment banker starts
talking about principles, he is usually also defending his interests and that
he rarely stakes out the moral high ground unless he believes there is gold
under his campsite.”
“Note to
members of all governments: Be wary of Wall Streeters threatening crashes. They
are tempted to do this whenever you encroach on their turf. But they can’t
cause a crash any more than they can prevent one.”
“Those who
know don't tell and those who tell don't know.”
-Michael
Lewis, Liar’s Poker
“Only the
wounded remain
The generals
have all left the game
With no will
to fight, they’ll fade with the light
There’s
nobody left they can blame.”
-The Damned
Rufus T.
Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs.
Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Rufus T.
Firefly: I bet he's just using that as an excuse.
Mrs.
Teasdale: I was with him to the very end.
Rufus T.
Firefly: No wonder he passed away.
Mrs.
Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Rufus T.
Firefly: Oh, I see, then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any
money? Answer the second question first.
"Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it- I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle."
“Join the
Army. See the Navy.”
-Duck Soup
“Like too
many ex-hosts of children’s television shows, Toymaker Tommy had ended up doing
the rope dance, swinging from the rafters of his garage wearing a hemp
necktie.”
-Bentley
Little, Death Instinct
“Expecting a
trouble-free life because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not
to charge you because you are a vegetarian.”
-Jeffrey R.
Holland
-Phony McFakename
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