Just kidding!
As always, they're going bankrupt.
And as always, no it's really happening this time!
And as always, the company will keep slithering along, shedding enraged customers like a snake shedding skin.
The part about them firing their entire HR department (two people) was sketch, but nothing too remarkable. This is the world we live in, where crazy-pants and crazy-pills stories about corporate shenanigans are just business as usual.
There are murmurs around the edges of these stories and on the message boards of people getting tidbits of information from customer service that changes are on the horizon. There are always changes on the horizon. Three-tiered plans, the return of unlimited, the company finally lightening up on the schedule limits, etc. Wars and rumors of wars. We shall see.
Events like this will affect us in the future, for the future is where you and I shall spend the rest of our lives!
*
Despite MoviePass parent Helios & Matheson's share value going from $5000+ to $.01 from Fall of 2017 to Fall of 2018, a more interesting article this week is one saying MoviePass is on the verge of financially breaking even.
By their magic of nonstop customer screwovers and app shutdowns (multiple times this past week my wife and I have been presented with different movies/showtimes at the same time on the app, so I can not say this enough: the problem with media stories about MoviePass is that no journalists are actually using the service so they have no idea of the nonstop insane stuff going on with the app), they've got their customers down to seeing .8 movies a month. Good job?
But at the same time, they say they have to get every customer down to seeing .55 movies for the company to break even. A company initially offering customers 30 movies per month needs its customers to see .55 movies per month to survive.
Wha?
Let's break this down. At every customer paying $10 a month and average nationwide ticket cost at $9, .8 of a $9 ticket is $7.20. So they're currently making $2.80 off every customer. Speculation ranges that they have between one and two million customers. Let's be conservative and say one million. So they're making at least $2.8 million a month.
$2.8 million a month. That's not enough to break even? Cut your ridiculous CEO's salary and rehire your HR department!
*
I live in a town with a random arthouse theater (That mostly plays mainstream movies, thanks for nothing!), an Alamo Drafthouse Cinema, and a Regal.
I've written about Alamo extensively before, in book and blog form (TLDR: Mixed feelings). But the Regal gets almost every movie (sometimes showing more art movies than the local "arthouse" theater) and it's reliable. Alamo is slowly lurching toward a subscription service, but Regal is still dragging their feet and remaining noncommital.
If Regal gets their act together and makes their subscription plan reasonably priced, I'm dropping MoviePass like the bad habit it is and getting Regal.
At least, I hope that's what I'll do. Am I addicted to this cinemadness? Am I too far gone? Has MoviePass infected us all? Is it too late?
Probably.
*
Shifty fee-happy lawsuit-bait MoviePass-competitor Sinemia gets a pretty decent review here, which explains their features and pros and cons mostly objectively. Though they say 3D movies are available on the unlimited plan and they are not. Once again making me wonder if the people who write about these services in the media actually use them.
Sinemia recently offered a couple different price plans for people that only go to the movies once a month. One of them is $4 a month for one weekday ticket. Sounds like a good deal, right? Add a $2 processing fee and a $2 convenience fee and that's a $8 ticket.
$8 a ticket. That's $1 more expensive than a Tuesday ticket at full price at our local Alamo.
Great deal, Sinemia!
*
Alright, here comes Thanksgiving weekend. May you and yours have a nice holiday together with slow-burn tension and intermittent eruptions of rage and resentment and happiness!
My MoviePass prediction: they will block all ticket purchases by any means necessary. There is no way anyone will get any usage of their MoviePass accounts this weekend.
Godspeed, any of you maniacs who attempt to get a ticket before next Monday! This will be the weekend where they will generate the most ill will and account cancellations ever!
Huzzah!
(UPDATE: So far my prediction is dead-on. Today is Wednesday, November 21, and an actual wide-release movie is listed on the schedule for checkin today, Bohemian Rhapsody. And I noticed our local theater box office is opening at 9:45am today for early holiday showings. Means you can probably snag a ticket before they shut the app down for the day, right? Hahaha, nope. 9:04am and there are already "NO MORE SCREENINGS AT THIS THEATER TODAY." Stay golden, MoviePass!)
-B.P. Kasik/Phony McFakename
I wrote the book on MoviePass TWICE, once from a positive perspective, and once from a more realistic perspective. I also wrote a horror book about a sort-of evil MoviePass.
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