Then I looked closer and saw that it was the fifth book in a series. ALARM! DANGER!
And then I realized I'd read the first book- The Nymphos of Rocky Flats- way back when. That one's about a vampire private eye investigating an outbreak of nymphomania at a nuclear power plant.
That was just about enough for me, so I skipped the sequels- X-Rated Bloodsuckers, The Undead Kama Sutra, and Jailbait Zombie. I presume they're coming-of-age dramas.
But look at this one- it's called Werewolf Smackdown!
How can you not love that?
Vampire private detective Felix Gomez is caught in a gang war between rival werewolf tribes. Shenanigans ensue!
It's fun, the writing is zippy, every chapter ends on a cliffhanger. If this sounds like a thing you'd like, you'll like it.
It has some cheese-tastically fun lines:
Now enough of that. Let's talk vampires. They suck.
Ha-ha.
But seriously, I'm not a vampire guy.
As the years pass, I care less and less for these creatures. I don't find anything appealing or erotic about biting necks or wrists.
And blood-drinking is just gross. Say what you will about zombies and zombie bites, at least they forego pretense. If zombies are biting your neck or wrist, they're trying to take a big old chunk out of you in order to get you in their belly. No sexiness involved.
It's like the Hellraiser series' insistence that there's something erotic about violence and torture- I just don't get it. And I don't get why any of you get it.
I don't like sympathetic vampires because I don't sympathize with them. They exist to devour us. Stake the darned things before they bite you!
Most vampire stories are boring and repetitive. As a rule, I give them a blanket dismissal.
This is the part where my wife mocks me mercilessly, because every time she hears me say something negative about vampires and how I don't like any vampire stories, I always follow that with:
"...well, except for the books I Am Legend, 'Salem's Lot, Midnight Mass, Carpe Jugulum, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, The Keep, Dracula, The Dracula Tape, and the first section of The Passage. And the movies Nosferatu, Horror of Dracula, The Lost Boys, 'Salem's Lot, Blade II, Cronos, Near Dark, Only Lovers Left Alive, Interview With the Vampire, What We Do in the Shadows, Daybreakers, and The Monster Squad. Oh, and all the Universal Dracula films. Also Buffy and Angel are pretty fun."
So, yeah. I'm not a vampire fan. But I'm not very good at not being a vampire fan.
-Phony McFakename
It's fun, the writing is zippy, every chapter ends on a cliffhanger. If this sounds like a thing you'd like, you'll like it.
It has some cheese-tastically fun lines:
“We cast no
shadow on the outside, but the inner shadow- the black stain of our damnation-
points to the void in our soul.”
“I need this
guy like I need a turd in my salad.”
“She wore a
Revolutionary War period dress with the bodice cut so low she was one hiccup
away from indecent exposure.”
Now enough of that. Let's talk vampires. They suck.
Ha-ha.
But seriously, I'm not a vampire guy.
As the years pass, I care less and less for these creatures. I don't find anything appealing or erotic about biting necks or wrists.
And blood-drinking is just gross. Say what you will about zombies and zombie bites, at least they forego pretense. If zombies are biting your neck or wrist, they're trying to take a big old chunk out of you in order to get you in their belly. No sexiness involved.
It's like the Hellraiser series' insistence that there's something erotic about violence and torture- I just don't get it. And I don't get why any of you get it.
I don't like sympathetic vampires because I don't sympathize with them. They exist to devour us. Stake the darned things before they bite you!
Most vampire stories are boring and repetitive. As a rule, I give them a blanket dismissal.
This is the part where my wife mocks me mercilessly, because every time she hears me say something negative about vampires and how I don't like any vampire stories, I always follow that with:
"...well, except for the books I Am Legend, 'Salem's Lot, Midnight Mass, Carpe Jugulum, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, The Keep, Dracula, The Dracula Tape, and the first section of The Passage. And the movies Nosferatu, Horror of Dracula, The Lost Boys, 'Salem's Lot, Blade II, Cronos, Near Dark, Only Lovers Left Alive, Interview With the Vampire, What We Do in the Shadows, Daybreakers, and The Monster Squad. Oh, and all the Universal Dracula films. Also Buffy and Angel are pretty fun."
So, yeah. I'm not a vampire fan. But I'm not very good at not being a vampire fan.
-Phony McFakename
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