Some humans made this movie and some humans watched it.
Stung
Killer insect rampage. It has Lance Henriksen in it. I cracked up when Lance appeared on screen, like "Buckle up for some serious suckage!" Because Lance- though a great actor- will appear in ANYTHING. But like his recent film Harbinger Down- it was okay despite Henriksen's normally poor taste in scripts. Some good giant insect goop and gore. Not a classic, but a fun little monster mash.
Spotlight
It's not bad. In any way. Important film. But it feels like it got the Best Picture Oscar for political reasons, the same way Birdman won last year. That movie is irritating and hateful, but Hollywood felt like it was a cool move to reward it. In much the same way, Spotlight is an inflammatory film, so they rewarded it. Still- it's a good film. So hey.
Sherlock: The Abominable Bride
Some cool moments and visuals, but mostly wheel-spinning. Neither a satisfying retro-alternative reality, nor a satisfying follow-up to the last season. Better than nothing, since we have to wait decades between each season of this awesome show.
Willow Creek
This is the only film directed by Bobcat Goldthwait that I didn't love. (He's not just a quirky stand-up comedian; his more noteworthy funny/melancholy/disturbing films include Call Me Lucky, God Bless America, Shakes the Clown, and World's Greatest Dad.) This is Bobcat's found-footage Bigfoot film. It subverts a lot of expectations. And it's not bad. It's well-acted. It's just...SPOILER, but the last 40 minutes is one long shot of people in a tent acting scared of what's outside the tent. NOTHING HAPPENS. It's like that other found-footage "thriller" Europa Report. ANOTHER SPOILER- it ends the same way, with a brief shot of something kinda scary after 90 minutes of aimless buildup. And then it's over.
Still a better love story than Twilight.
The Zero Theorem
I need a break from Terry Gilliam. His last few movies have been aggressively difficult to enjoy on any level. Lots of ranting and nonsensical plotting. A few cool visuals don't save it.
xXx
Perfectly ridiculous and stupid in every way. Just a delicious chunk of cinematic cheese. Vin Diesel throws two grenades against a snowy mountaintop, kicking off an avalanche that he outruns. On snowboard. This is Mountain Dew-flavored Doritos in movie form. X-TREME!!!
He Never Died
Henry Rollins gets a lead role in a film! He plays an eternal vampire-type entity who's really tired of existence and just wants to be left alone. But he discovers he has an illegitimate daughter and gets dragged into her life's drama. Rollins nails it from beginning to end and I look forward to his future lead work.
Insurgent and Divergent
Dystopian future YA SF with incredibly forgettable-looking lead female protagonist. Seriously, every time her face isn't on screen, I forget what she looks like.
A documentary about a guy's amputated leg and his quest to get his leg back. A true redneck epic.
Turbo Kid
A cake that's mostly frosting. The super-gory, goofy 80's retro vibe is fun sometimes, but can be grating at other times. It's basically one joke. But it's entertaining almost all the way through. So if you like 80's horror and 80's pop, you'll have fun with this.
Death Sentence
This is a pretty solid average-guy-pushed-too-far-by-gang-violence-and-gets-revenge flick. Though I almost punched a wall at the
mid-point where Kevin Bacon throws his briefcase full of identifying papers aside while running from the
gang outside his office. The movie totally lost me there. It was already iffy that Mr. Bacon went on his first revenge-killing without a
mask on and dressed in a suit AND parked his car right in front of the
building. But those are believable rookie errors for an average guy gone homicidal. Now throwing the briefcase away- too stupid. And then he just goes back to work afterward. Ugh. Even if it
somehow hadn't occurred to the Baconator that the gang members got his home address off his papers in
the briefcase- he's got to at LEAST know that the gang members know who he is
and where he works and are highly likely to attack him there again. WAY too
stupid. Good stuff otherwise. Bacon's final rampage was solid and
well-staged. And there were some good character moments and stunts. Better than any of the Death Wish sequels. And probably the first Death Wish.
As Above, So Below
Underrated found-footage horror flick set in the catacombs below Paris. Lots of good delirious spooky imagery. A wild and dark ride to the heart of madness.
Underrated found-footage horror flick set in the catacombs below Paris. Lots of good delirious spooky imagery. A wild and dark ride to the heart of madness.
Five Dolls for an August Moon
This lesser-known Mario Bava giallo thriller is really not good, but has this hypnotic, awesome music score, and some great use of color. There's this weird scene where Bava shows all these bodies in a meat locker while this lovely music plays over it. A unique and expressive example of the power of weird cinema. Just a transcendent, odd moment.
Cartel Land
Documentary about a group of Mexican citizens fed up with cartels and the refusal/inability of police and military to stop the cartels. They arm themselves, rise up, and take on the cartels. This movie feels incredibly dangerous and I was worried about the filmmakers' safety the whole time.
Bone Tomahawk
Kurt Russell rocks. Great, simple, straightforward supernatural-tinged Western. Staggeringly violent, too. Watch out for some of those scenes near the end. Icky.
Deadpool
Nice Marvel movie about a nice superhero boy.
The Amityville Horror (2005)
Deadpool moves into a haunted house. This is a remake of a 1979 movie that didn't star Deadpool.
This lesser-known Mario Bava giallo thriller is really not good, but has this hypnotic, awesome music score, and some great use of color. There's this weird scene where Bava shows all these bodies in a meat locker while this lovely music plays over it. A unique and expressive example of the power of weird cinema. Just a transcendent, odd moment.
Documentary about a group of Mexican citizens fed up with cartels and the refusal/inability of police and military to stop the cartels. They arm themselves, rise up, and take on the cartels. This movie feels incredibly dangerous and I was worried about the filmmakers' safety the whole time.
Bone Tomahawk
Kurt Russell rocks. Great, simple, straightforward supernatural-tinged Western. Staggeringly violent, too. Watch out for some of those scenes near the end. Icky.
Deadpool
Nice Marvel movie about a nice superhero boy.
The Amityville Horror (2005)
Deadpool moves into a haunted house. This is a remake of a 1979 movie that didn't star Deadpool.
A Very Murray Christmas
Some funny moments. But the movie stops cold every few minutes for a musical number. It just feels like they're killing time. Now, I do like some musical films and musicals, but as a rule- they have to be really, really good for me to dig them. And the film's vibe is puzzling- it's a musical that seems to hate musicals, so it often feels like it's insulting the people that would most enjoy it. Mocking your target audience is rarely a good idea. Also it drags. It reunites Murray with his Lost in Translation director. If you liked that movie, maybe this if for you. But for most of us, this is like watching paint dry.
Stir of Echoes 2
It's odd that this exists. This thing came out almost a decade ago and I'd never even heard of it, despite being a fan of the first film and the book it's based on. Also weird that heavy-hitter Rob Lowe starred in it. They must have got him in that dead period he had between Parks & Recreation and The West Wing. It's got some really generic jump scares and it's generally poorly lit and poorly shot. It has a good message, but it gets muddled along the way. It has almost no connection to the first film. It just misfires all over the place. Stir of Echoes 2? More like Stir of Echoes POO!
Meet the Mormons
Best movie I've ever seen about a mother who's also a mixed martial arts expert.
Tusk
Kevin Smith makes horror movies now. His first one- Red State- was super-divisive and even I have mixed feelings about it. This one is about a maniac who mutilates poor young men, turning them into walruses with bodies made of human skin. If the Clerks movies were too tasteful for you, have at.
Zootopia
Brilliant, thoughtful dissertation on coexistence and understanding in the form of a hilarious kids' film. All the voice actors are delightful and the plot twists like a pretzel. Fun throughout.
It's odd that this exists. This thing came out almost a decade ago and I'd never even heard of it, despite being a fan of the first film and the book it's based on. Also weird that heavy-hitter Rob Lowe starred in it. They must have got him in that dead period he had between Parks & Recreation and The West Wing. It's got some really generic jump scares and it's generally poorly lit and poorly shot. It has a good message, but it gets muddled along the way. It has almost no connection to the first film. It just misfires all over the place. Stir of Echoes 2? More like Stir of Echoes POO!
Meet the Mormons
Best movie I've ever seen about a mother who's also a mixed martial arts expert.
Tusk
Kevin Smith makes horror movies now. His first one- Red State- was super-divisive and even I have mixed feelings about it. This one is about a maniac who mutilates poor young men, turning them into walruses with bodies made of human skin. If the Clerks movies were too tasteful for you, have at.
Brilliant, thoughtful dissertation on coexistence and understanding in the form of a hilarious kids' film. All the voice actors are delightful and the plot twists like a pretzel. Fun throughout.
Return to House on Haunted Hill
I noticed this one online and- like Stir of Echoes 2- I was like "How did I never hear of this?" I was one of the
three people that kinda liked those William Castle remakes from a decade or so
ago- 13 Ghosts and House on Haunted Hill. Not great
films, but perfectly entertaining, ghoulish, gory fun. This
Return to sequel is absolute garbage, though. Boring, badly acted, badly paced, and at its best- gross and offensive, not in a fun way. Return to House on Haunted Hill? More like Return to House on Haunted POO!
What We Do in the Shadows
Magnificent, hilarious, goofy vampire mockumentary.
Soaked in Bleach
I always kind of figured Courtney Love killed Kurt Cobain. And I
mean I've believed that since 1994. It's not an "alternative point of
view," just a gut feeling. It always rubbed me the wrong way that nobody'd
ever heard of her- though I was tickled to later learn that she was once the
lead singer for Faith No More- and all of a sudden she put out an album right
after Cobain died and it was a huge hit and everyone bought it and she played
the martyr- "Someday you will ache like I ache!"- all the way to the
bank and then parlayed that into feature film roles and it all rang very, very false. Every
interview I saw with her made her come across as an opportunistic junkie who
would lie, cheat, or steal to get ahead in the biz. But hey- it's
very difficult to prove. It could just be that there's incredibly damning
circumstantial evidence against her and that she's actually innocent. The private investigator in this movie makes a good and damning case against her, though.
There was another documentary that theorized Kurt's
suicide was staged- Kurt & Courtney- back in the 90's. It
wasn't very good. But it had an intriguing scene where El Duce said "Courtney
Love offered me $50,000 to whack Kurt Cobain!" And the director is flummoxed,
like "Are you really saying that on-camera?" And the guy was like
"Yeah, she said to make it look like a suicide!" Then he mugs for the
camera, like "What?" and says he knows who killed Cobain, but won't
reveal that on camera. Check it out. He was a pretty messed-up dude, so his credibility is
suspect, but it's interesting that he was killed by a train two days after
filming that interview.
There's some other eerie stuff at work there, too. It sounds like a woman is
screaming for help in the background at one point. And El Duce was known for
sexual sadism, so it wouldn't be at all surprising for him to have had a woman
there against her will. And the "Allan" he accidentally mentions is
strongly suspected to be the one who killed El Duce two days after that was
filmed. And this is all on film, easily findable. Crazy world we're living in here, folks.
11:14
Brilliantly intertwined drama with various story threads that come together in unique and interesting ways.
Avengers Confidential: Black Widow and Punisher
11:14
Brilliantly intertwined drama with various story threads that come together in unique and interesting ways.
Avengers Confidential: Black Widow and Punisher
I wasn't expecting much from an animated direct-to-video
movie- what's the term for that kind of movie now? "Direct to DVD"?
"Direct to Blu-Ray"? "Direct to Netflix"?
"Non-theatrical"? But this one lost me real quick. Black Widow is
looking at a headline on her computer that says "The Punisher: Hero or
Murder?" That's not how words work. It's "Murderer." The
Punisher is not a "Murder." Also why is anime the default animation
style in movies these days? It's awful and lazy-looking. This thing is very difficult to enjoy, even if you like both of the title characters.
Alex Winter is a filmmaker to watch. He's best known as Bill from the Bill & Ted movies, but he's directed a wide array of films: comedy (Freaked), thriller (Fever), and now documentary (Downloaded and Deep Web). This is a glimpse into the dark side of the web- illicit underground drug and sex ecommerce and subversive websites and communication techniques for political dissidents. A disturbing look into how governments crack down on dissent, to boot.
Last Days on Mars
A group of annoyed and isolated and argumentative people on
Mars is getting to be old hat. But this one's alright. I've seen better Mars dramas, I've seen worse.
The Martian
This one's better.
Unfriended
Great claustrophobic horror thriller. It's one continuous shot of a teenage girl's Mac desktop screen as an unknown stalker hunts her and her friends down. Amazingly effective, given its limitations and unsympathetic characters.
San Andreas
The Rock v. The Earthquake. SPOILER ALERT: The Rock wins. Why wouldn't he? That being said, he's a rescue worker who hijacks a rescue vehicle to save his wife and daughter instead of doing his job and using the rescue vehicle to rescue lots and lots of people. And thus: The Rock is the true villain of this piece. Bad Rock, no cookie.
The Martian
This one's better.
Unfriended
Great claustrophobic horror thriller. It's one continuous shot of a teenage girl's Mac desktop screen as an unknown stalker hunts her and her friends down. Amazingly effective, given its limitations and unsympathetic characters.
San Andreas
The Rock v. The Earthquake. SPOILER ALERT: The Rock wins. Why wouldn't he? That being said, he's a rescue worker who hijacks a rescue vehicle to save his wife and daughter instead of doing his job and using the rescue vehicle to rescue lots and lots of people. And thus: The Rock is the true villain of this piece. Bad Rock, no cookie.
Final Note! I gave up on the following films after a few minutes. As your favorite writer on the Internet, I advise you skip:
Flight of the Intruder (Cool cast, but boring and sloppy)
The Revenant (2009 version- sloppy, crappy zombie film)
Glitter (NOT so bad it's good, no matter what you heard)
Prophet's Prey (Two misleading statements and an outright lie in the first 30 seconds. Out.)
Not Another Not Another Movie
Run All Night (Liam Neeson's usually great, but this is a drag)
ABCs of Death
Black Mass
Vampire Academy
Man Up (Tired of "romantic comedies" with relentlessly unlikeable characters)
Re-Kill
All Cheerleaders Die
Swimming With Sharks (Kevin Spacey's great, it's very 90s trendy, but nihilistic, ultimately empty)
The Unborn (2009 version)
The Traveler
The Voices
Spongebob Squarepants: Sponge Out of Water (And I LIKED the 2005 Spongebob movie!)
-Phony McFakename
Flight of the Intruder (Cool cast, but boring and sloppy)
The Revenant (2009 version- sloppy, crappy zombie film)
Glitter (NOT so bad it's good, no matter what you heard)
Prophet's Prey (Two misleading statements and an outright lie in the first 30 seconds. Out.)
Not Another Not Another Movie
Run All Night (Liam Neeson's usually great, but this is a drag)
ABCs of Death
Black Mass
Vampire Academy
Man Up (Tired of "romantic comedies" with relentlessly unlikeable characters)
Re-Kill
All Cheerleaders Die
Swimming With Sharks (Kevin Spacey's great, it's very 90s trendy, but nihilistic, ultimately empty)
The Unborn (2009 version)
The Traveler
The Voices
Spongebob Squarepants: Sponge Out of Water (And I LIKED the 2005 Spongebob movie!)
-Phony McFakename
* * *
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