Let's start by basking in the glory of the tagline on the rear cover: "STREET JUSTICE WASN'T HIS WAY. BUT FOR HIS OLDER BROTHERS, IT WAS THE ONLY WAY."
Sold. We're in for an intense literary urban drama here. Shakespeare in the streets. Very exciting.
First, let's put this work in context: Baby Brother is a "G-Unit" book. Series description from the cover: "A hot new series of hip-hop novellas that dare to tell the truth about The Life. The lovers, the haters, the guns, the money, the highs, the lows: The Street, for real." Alright, then!
Hip-hop artist 50 Cent decided to launch his "G-Unit" book line in 2007 (under the banner of MTV, published by Pocket Books, and I'm just now noticing "G-Unit" also spells "gun it," which is a cool subtle linguistic trick) after the success of his autobiography, From Pieces to Weight.
Here's the thing, though: that book was non-fiction (supposedly meaning it has more truth than a fiction book, but that's rarely true) and those celebrity autobios are all ghost-written, anyway. So what was Mr. Cent thinking, jumping into the FICTION business?
Here's what I suspect he was thinking: "I'll get someone else to write these books and put my name on the cover above their names! Worked for James Patterson and Tom Clancy, why not me?"
(Well, Patterson and Clancy already had strong track records in fiction and had built their printed media brands to the point where their style was easy for ghostwriters to imitate. Also Mr. Cent's author bio inside the rear cover is mostly a list of his business ventures. I'm not sure what his bottled vitamin water, apparel, footwear, or watch companies have to do with his literary merits, but they take up about 90% of the space explaining why we should be impressed by him as an author. In fact, his previous BOOK only gets one tiny sentence of a mention amid a huge paragraph of text. In one of his BOOKS. But hey, who am I to nitpick? More power to him! You go, Mr. Cent! Build that brand! Expand thine empire! Manifest destiny!)
Ruh-roh. I think we just learned what kind of book we're REALLY about to read.
Let's investigate further: "Noire's bestselling, critically acclaimed fiction titles include Thug-a-Licious, Candy Licker, and G-Spot."
Oh, dear. This is gonna be like one of those innocent-looking, red-covered books you notice on your grandmother's coffee table, flip through out of curiosity and before you know it, get your eyeballs burned by descriptions of "moist clefts" and more climaxes than the film version of Return of the King, isn't it?
You'll find out! (SPOILER: yes.)
[Carefully open the book.]
In case you have any lingering doubts about this noble literary work's authorship, the very first printed page is a letter from 50 Cent explaining how he rounded up a bunch of authors to write these "G-Unit" books for him but still put his name as the main author on the cover (and spine). This one-page letter is probably the only thing in this book actually penned by Mr. Cent.
[Turn the page.]
Ah, the title page. Usually a pretty uneventful experience. Not this time! For behold, it reveals for the first time the book's full title.
Baby Brother: An Urban Erotic Appetizer.
Yep. Confirmed. This is one of your grandmother's filthy sex books.
[Turn the page again, with more trepidation this time.]
Ah, the Dedication page. Okay, this is pretty great: "Don't let the mean streets strangle you. Stay on the success grind and keep doin' the damn thang." Well, that's pleasant enough! Inspiring and well-said!
[Turn the page with increased confidence.]
Oo, the Acknowledgments! Right off the bat: "Father, thank you." Okay, the author is acknowledging their father. That bodes well. Maybe this won't be a graphic sex book, after all, but instead a fun romantic tale for the whole family! The Princess Bride in the hood, perhaps?
[Turn the page, ready for a rollicking good urban adventure full of good family fun.]
Okay, another title page. We already had one of those. But okay. Gotta pad your page count, goodness knows I've done that in my books...
[Turn the page again, slightly less jolly.]
Okay, a full page dedicated to the words "CHAPTER 1," with another blank page afterward. Bush league.
[Turn the page again, even less jolly.]
An all-italics prelude page. A paragraph describing a prisoner. Foreshadowing. One of our characters is gonna end up in jail, oh no!
[Turn the page, jolly again.]
Oh, look, the font size and margins look like a Scholastic book, this is gonna be pretty tame after all, I suspect. Let's settle in and...
WHAM! Graphic sex scene, in medias res. Multiple creative descriptions for the human vagina (including "wet yummy") on the first two pages. Also this gem: "Her juices smelled like Fruity Pebbles and it was just about breakfast time."
Tell Grandma we got a winner for her here. Let's order her a copy of Baby Brother for Christmas.
To my eternal discredit, I made it all the way through this terrible, terrible book. An innocent teen (with a gang-affiliated older brother) is about to escape the ghetto and go to college, but instead a couple of guys (who were up to no good) start to make trouble in his neighborhood and frame him for his girlfriend's murder (she was the one with the juices that smelled like Fruity Pebbles). He gets sent to Rikers Island prison, where he is promptly sexually assaulted and murdered by rival gang members seeking to antagonize his older brother. Shootouts in the street ensue. And there's a totally gratuitous, momentum-killing, and often quite disgusting graphic sex scene every few pages.
If this is an "Urban Erotic Appetizer," I'd hate to read the main course.
In other news, the final page notifies us that author Noire has another book coming out soon (probably available by now, as this was published in 2007). Title: Thong on Fire.
Better order Grandma a copy of that one, too.
-B.P. Kasik/Phony McFakename
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