“We
understand the lights. We understand the lights above the Arby’s. We understand
so much. But the sky behind those lights, mostly void, partially stars, that
sky reminds us: We don’t understand even more.”
“What
has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?
I don’t know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. Send help.”
“If
you love someone, set them free. Set them free now. This is the police, and we
have you surrounded.”
“Lost?
Confused? Lacking direction? Need to find a purpose in your life?”
“Fun
game: Say "toy boat" over and over. Do it for the rest of your life.
Retreat from society, and live on alms. Whisper, "toy boat," as you
die.”
“If
I said you had a beautiful body, would it even matter because we are so
insignificant in this vast, incomprehensible universe?”
“There’s
a special place in Hell. It’s really hip. Very exclusive.”
“Pain
is just weakness leaving the body, and then being replaced by pain. Lots of
pain.”
“Looking
for a snack? Try wheat or a wheat by-product. Dinner? Wheat &/or its
by-product. Trying to patch a leaky roof? We have just the thing for you, and
we also have its by-product.”
“Your
existence is not impossible, but it’s also not very likely.”
“You
know, they always say, “If you’re trying to meet someone, you may never find
them. But it’s when you’re not looking, that’s when they find you.” I’ve always
heard this in reference to government agents, but I think it applies to dating
as well.”
“Words
are an unnecessary trouble. Expression is time wasting away. Any communication
is just a yelp in the darkness.”
“ONE
DAY, YOU WILL DISCOVER YOUR PURPOSE, AND THEN YOU WILL TELL NO ONE. AND THEN
YOU WILL DIE.”
“Remember,
this is America. Vote correctly or never see your loved ones again.”
“Some
days the weather happens and we never look up or go outside and that’s okay
too.”
“The
Night Vale Medical Board has issued a new study indicating that you have a
spider somewhere on your body at all times but especially now. The study said
that further research would be needed to determine exactly where on your body
this spider is and what its intentions are, only that it is definitely there
and is statistically likely to be one of the really ugly ones.”
“The
study found widespread dissatisfaction with our town's public library, and,
when considering the facts, it's easy to see why. The public computers for
Internet use are outdated and slow. The lending period of fourteen days is not
nearly long enough to read lengthier books, given the busy schedule of all our
lives. The fatality rate is also well above the national average for public
libraries.”
The
local chapter of the NRA has begun market-testing some possible new slogans.
These include:
Guns
don’t kill people, blood loss and organ damage does
Guns
don’t kill people, people kill guns
A
list of things that kill people:
1.
Conceivably, anything
2.
Not guns!
Guns
don’t kill people, we are all immortal souls living temporarily in shelters of
earth and meat
If
you say guns kill people one more time, I will shoot you with a gun, and you
will, coincidentally, die
“In
light of the ever declining sales of newspapers and the rise of competition
from digital media The Night Vale Daily Journal announced that it has developed
a new business model.
Publishing
Editor, Leanne Hart, speaking to television and internet reporters outside the
burned down shell of the The Journal’s distribution plant, said their new
mission, as a newspaper, is to kill news bloggers with hatchets.
In
this bold new initiative, a game changing strategy by one of the industry’s
stalwarts, The Daily Journal plans to just go to bloggers homes and places of
employment, with hatchets, and then chop them up, the bloggers. Until they, the
bloggers, are dead.
She
added that The Journal still plans to use the AP Style Guide and they are
working to design a newer, more modern-looking, masthead.
Several
Journal reporters and ad reps then began swinging blades at the non-print
reporters in attendance."
“The
optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half
empty. It is only the truth seeker who wonders: Why is the glass there? Why is
there water all over the floor? Why is it covering every other surface of the
house? Who, or what, is doing this to us? WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE.”
-Welcome
to Night Vale podcas
“I
give the fight up: let there be an end, a privacy, an obscure nook for me. I
want to be forgotten even by God.”
-Robert
Browning
“I
hate you.”
“I
know.”
-Solo
“Love
means never having to say you’re sorry.”
“That’s
the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
-What’s
Up, Doc?
-B.P. Kasik/Phony McFakename
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