While doing so, I discovered a treasure trove of deleted outline material from the second Eric Roberts book that might amuse you. (Again, the stuff below is just OUTLINE material, not actual stuff I properly wrote for the book. I wisely cut it all before wasting time fleshing it out any further.)
As a refresher, these books are a series of true* adventures of the legendary performer and icon of cool, Mr. Eric Roberts.
I, Phony McFakename, am Roberts' official* biographer*. And my chronicles are occasionally interrupted by a nosy, annoyingly-fact-fixated editor.
And that technically means all the outlined material below actually happened. Truth is stranger than fiction, huh?
Enjoy:
1993:
Love, Cheat & Steal
Roberts
and his wife lighten things up by cheating on their taxes and stealing cable
from their neighbor.
“I
love you!” he said.
You
may be wondering how Roberts manages to act in all these films while also
having all these adventures. Answer: Roberts has a cyborg clone that he sends
to do the acting for him most of the time. The only way you can tell the
difference is that his twin looks slightly to the left whenever he says
“indubitably.”
While
snowbound during the Storm of the Century, Roberts starts to question if he
truly is the best. He challenges Hulk Hogan to a wrestling match in the snow
and wrecks his ass. He is proven, once again, to be the best of the best.
Roberts
agrees to negotiate NAFTA. It gets signed, but he has reservations about the
long-term economic impact of some of its provisions. Roberts is awesome, but
not infallible.
Clinton
calls to ask Roberts to fix the U.S. government shutdown caused by a budget
crisis and he says he’s too busy. “Don’t I help you guys enough already?
C’mon, I did NAFTA for you!" Clinton persuades him anyway.
Roberts
goes to the Centennial Olympics and pretends to be multiple athletes and wins
all the gold medals under assumed names and faces.
He
realizes he wants a baby. Wife’s biological clock is ticking. Ticking like a
time bomb…
“There’s
a bomb in your womb!”
Eric
Roberts to the rescue!
ACTION
SCENE!
And eventually, Roberts’ wife got pregnant.
1994:
Love Is a Gun
He
hires a guy for his agency named Love. Love has a gun built into his chest.
“Whoa!
Love is a gun!”
Editor: That was stupid, even for you.
Author: But it's TRUE!
1997:
Oz
And
then Roberts was swirled up in a lightning storm - NOT a tornado - and taken to a
land called Oz. Not the copyrighted Oz that you know about, it was a totally
different Oz. He had adventures with fantasy creatures that were totally
different from the ones in Wizard of Oz but close enough that we can't
describe them. If you see what I’m saying.
It’s
revealed that this was the first assault on him by the dark angels he was tricked into freeing
from heaven’s prison. They knew he’s the only one who can stop them, so they
want to get rid of him.
Roberts
gets free.
On
his way back home, he dropped the Pathfinder on Mars so Earth could have
pictures of that planet.
Back
home, a script arrived in his mailbox for a show about yet another Oz that had
nothing to do with Dorothy or Toto.
1997:
Most Wanted
Roberts
opened up his newspaper to find that - while off-planet - he became Number One on
the FBI and NSA and CIA Most Wanted list. The doing of those dark angels, no
doubt.
He
ran for the border and caught a Mexican plane to Africa.
1998:
La Cucaracha
In
the Mexican airport, he accidentally stepped on a cockroach.
1999: Spawn
He
saw the movie Spawn on cable. “Man, this sucks. They should make an animated version of
this!” It comes into existence in accordance with the wishes of Eric Roberts.
With his voice on it.
1999:
The Hunger
Next he said, “They
should make a show out of that David Bowie vampire movie!” And so it was.
Then
his phone rang and the computer guys explained Y2K and Roberts told them how to
fix it. He saved the world.
Then
Roberts thinks back on that delicious sandwich he made back in the Making
Sandwiches chapter and got hungry. “Ah, the hunger!”
Then
he looks close at the meat in his sandwich and thinks about where it came from
and gets all grossed out. He decides to be vegan.
2000:
No Alibi
The
police come to his house and ask where he was when his wife was off performing a hit on some
guy. He was secretly mapping the human genome, but he couldn’t tell them that.
So he said he had no alibi.
“U-G-L-Y,
YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI!” the coppers chanted at him.
Roberts
sneered at them and slammed the door. But he had to admit that was pretty
funny.
2001:
The King of Queens
His
daughter, Billy, acts in her first film - Cocaine is Super-Duper. He’s proud,
though not in total agreement with the title of the film..
The
citizens of Queens unify and make a proclamation that Eric Roberts will be
their king. He humbly accepts - odd request, he thinks, since he’s never been to
Queens - but fears the power may corrupt him. After all, he’s already still
King of the Gypsies.
His
wife tells him to go for it. (Nice encouraging words.)
Scandal
involving laundering of money.
2001:
Raptor
Roberts
tracks down the mad scientist and tells him it’s time to bring dinosaurs back.
The only problem with the three Jurassic Park movies was that they didn’t have
Roberts involved. After all, he mapped the human genome. He could figure out
dino DNA and get that right. He does so and makes a docile pet raptor.
He
hated the script for Raptor, since it made raptors seem dangerous when they’re
really quite nice.
2001:
Fast Sofa
Roberts
arrived home to find that his wife was still at work.
A
mad science inventor then breaks into Roberts’ home and turns all his furniture into
machines. He escapes by speeding off in a sofa.
Roberts
shrugged. Nothing unusual there.
Editor:
Which other furniture was made into machines?
Author:
All of it.
Editor:
Are any of them in museums?
Author:
I may have stolen them and hidden them away.
Editor:
Really?
Author:
Maybe.
From
2002: Witchblade
There’s
a rumor that he went on a radio show around this time and dished family gossip.
None of this happened. He really only went on the radio to talk about his movie Raptor and the audio was manipulated to sound like he was talking about family
drama. It turns out there was a witch responsible for this manipulation.
Then
a witch broke into the studio and tried to shank Roberts and his pet dinosaur.
The dinosaur bit the blade in half. Witch is defeated.
Roberts
shrugged.
“So
anyway, Raptor is far out, man. Lemme tell you-”
Always
the professional!
2003:
Intoxicating
After
wrapping production on Ja Rule’s “Down Ass Bitch” video, Roberts tries a zombie drink
for the first time. Mutters, “I should try making real-life zombies sometime…”
with much foreshadowing. Then he meets his sister at the bar. They interact.
She leaves. He gets more drunk than ever and wakes up with the city in chaos.
“Oh,
crap. Not again. I think I made zombies in my sleep!”
2003:
National Security
Some
national security agents break down his door to rescue him from the pandemonium
and takes him to the President and tells him that in the name of national
security, he has to secretly be the President now.
This
chaos is due to a war between the two factions in Roberts’ church. They are now
formally severing ties and fighting over the name of the church and who gets
the property. Roberts doesn’t care, as long as they don’t bother him.
He
arrived in the Oval Office and gets bored and invents Facebook and emails the
idea to some random college student.
He
received word that the chaos is over. The Roberts-interventionist faction won,
and won over millions of converts in the process.
2006:
Phat Girlz
Roberts
does a real quick appearance in the Akon “Smack That” video, then reluctantly
returns to D.C. to be president again as a special favor to George W. Bush who
wants to take a family vacation to Norway to see where all his favorite black
metal bands came from. He wants to visit Varg Vikernes in jail, too.
Roberts says
“Yeah, fine” but chides him for getting bogged down in the Middle East.
After
Bush leaves, Roberts is promptly visited by a group of girls (who are phat) in the
oval office who are demanding special facilities for girls who are phat.
Roberts is a bit mystified. “How do you accommodate phatness?”
Bush returns and
discovers the phat scandal has engulfed America. “C’mon, man! This presidency
stuff isn’t THAT hard, Eric!”
Roberts
realizes it’s possible he may not be able to do it all.
2007:
Heroes
Roberts
learns to fly after he’s mutated by an paper cut when he signs his W-4
paperwork for his time as President and he rescues a girl who falls off the
National Monument.
“My hero!” she says.
2007:
Pandemic
All magic comes with a cost, and when Roberts exercises his flying power, it
accidentally unleashes a virus that consumes the world. And the only way to
beat it is to play the board game Pandemic.
Editor:
Was that board game even around in 2007?
Author:
Yes, it came out in 2007, just in time for this to be true. Check Wikipedia,
sir.
Editor:
Did you edit that game’s Wikipedia page information to manipulate it into
matching the date in this story?
Author:
When will you learn to stop asking me that?
-B.P. Kasik/Phony McFakename
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