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Crying
Freeman
This
film always felt like unfinished business. If you're a movie lover who came up
pre-Internet, you probably have some informal checklist in the back of your
mind; films you heard or read about that you never could find. The age of
laserdiscs and then bootleg Japanese laserdiscs and then DVDs and then bootleg
DVDs and then the Internet has checked off most of my never-could-find films.
(Still unseen: London After Midnight, uncut Maximum Overdrive, and uncut
Hellraiser.) I first read about Crying Freeman in a 1994 Fangoria issue and it
said it was a crazy martial arts film from the producer of Re-Animator and From
Beyond. Sold! I didn't know anything about its anime origins (still don't), but
I kept my eyes peeled for this one at all my local video stores. It never
appeared, not even at the great Video Vault. Well, last week, prompted by a new
episode of Joe Bob Briggs' The Last Drive-In (Shudder is the BEST for putting
that guy back on the air!), I was investigating the latter-day filmography of
that Re-Animator guy. Such gems as Amphibious 3D, Beneath Still Waters,
Arachnid, Everdark, and Rottweiler that all somehow passed me by. And there it
was: Crying Freeman. Checked YouTube and there it was! The full film! It's in
English, but it's a French source file, so all the subtitles for the scenes
where they speak Japanese are in French. But you get the idea. Crying Freeman
is a super-assassin who sheds a tear when he whacks folks. Very John Woo-ish
with mucho melodrama and people swinging swords and firing guns whilst flying
through the air. I would have loved it in 1995 and watched it over and over,
but in this over-saturated world of 2019, it's about as hardcore as an episode
of Into the Badlands. Now that's pretty hardcore, don't get me wrong! But it's
not precious. You don't have to savor and devour these fun little gold nuggets
anymore, since we're in a constant avalanche of gold boulders rolling down the
mountain right at us.
Destroyer
Nicole Kidman pulls a "Charlize-Theron-in-Monster" and makes herself makeup-ugly to give an astounding performance. Her voice is an avalanche of gravel and her face is a road map of pain as her cop character pursues a cold case that jumps around in time and morality. Almost every shot is a work of art and even at two+ hours, it never ceases to be compelling.
Hellboy
(2019)
If you wanted a third Guillermo Del Toro Hellboy film, this is not it. This is something very different. Much as I liked Del Toro's work, this is an interesting new take, from a director I like an awful lot. (He made Doomsday! Also The Descent. But Doomsday!) The gore and naughty bits are a bit overdone, perhaps just to trumpet, "Look! We're rated R this time!" And it's sloppy and all over the place and tries to cram too many thingamajigs into a single film. But it's a romp. Not the total train wreck it's alleged to be. It's a train fender-bender, at worst.
Black
Summer
This
"Netflix Original" show has a fascinating pedigree. Surface level: it's a
stark, urgent, intense series about the early stages of a zombie outbreak. It's
the best part of every zombie movie--the first ten minutes---stretched over
eight episodes. A cake with nothing but the frosting. And it works! Stephen King had kind words about it, correctly
identifying it as a scary ride; "existential Hell in the suburbs."
On that basis alone, it merits attention. Here's where it gets spectacular: it
turns out this is a prequel series to Z Nation, the completely bonkers gonzo
zombie series where anything goes and it burns through a whole season's worth
of Walking Dead story material in every episode. And Black Summer looks and feels
nothing like Z Nation. It's slow-burn and done in long wide shots, bringing you
into the world and making you feel like you're moving through the world with
the characters (and sometimes with the zombies). Much as Z Nation spanks The
Walking Dead, this spin-off mega-spanks Walking Dead's lame-o spinoff, Fear the
Walking Dead (which looks and feels exactly like Walking Dead, just with different
and more annoying characters). Black Summer is produced by The Asylum, the same
folks responsible for the Sharknado series and countless other craptastic pulp
monsterfests. This shows they are also capable of sincere, serious-minded
horror.
Shazam!
So
nice I saw it twice. The kid-turned-superhero antics are hilarious and
delightful. But major points to this film for making the Big Bad and his crew
of seven monsters seriously intense and scary-fying. These things bite off
heads, beat people to death, and hurl people out of high-rise windows. This one
is like House With a Clock in Its Walls in that it's a throwback to the
"kids movies" of the mid-80s like Ghostbusters, Gremlins, Goonies,
and the Indiana Jones films where they're fun but the scary parts deliver the
scary. Great deconstructive humor throughout. Between this, Aquaman, and Wonder
Woman, DC Comics films finally got their mojo back. There are things I like
about Zach Snyder's uneven work in the DC film field, but it's nice to see
other non-washed-out, non-gunmetal voices breathing life into this cinematic
world.
Three
Women and Images
Robert
Altman is mostly known for fancy-pants critically-acclaimed three-hour dramas
(Nashville, Short Cuts, The Player, Gosford Park), but he also made a couple surreal horror
movies in the 70s, at the height of his creative powers. Images and Three Women
are haunted peas in a pod. Altman aims to be Bergman with Images and, by
golly--he shoots, he scores! Great eerie magical fragmented slow-burn
ethereality rules the day. Three Women has early-career Sissy Spacek helping at
a nursing home and getting obsessed with fellow worker Shelly Duvall. Not as
much of a zinger. Mainly a well-acted drama with some psychodrama around the
fringes.
Zombie
5: Killing Birds
I could write a book about this one. In fact, I might. Will discuss another day.
Rifftrax
Live: Octaman
Rifftrax
= the late-90s crew from Mystery Science Theater 3000. Their live events are
held at venues around the nation where the three goofballs stand on stage and
riff on a movie (and usually a short subject) on a screen nearby. The short subject
on this one was a live-action McGruff the Crime Dog short from the 80s and it
was magnificently stupefying. The movie itself, Octaman, had an early Rick
Baker-designed creature and it kept the goofy-looking monster on display in
almost every scene. No suspenseful Jaws-ish slow-reveal here! The whole
experience was so giddily hilarious, my face hurt from smiling and I was
laughter-drained by the end. If you like this kind of silliness, highest
recommendation goes to these Rifftrax Live events, especially if a broadcast of
one comes to a theater near you, as this one did.
Say
Anything
Saw
this when it came out at the age of nine and was like, "Blah. Grown-up
stuff." Just saw it as a grown-up and was like, "Blah. Kid
stuff." It missed my receptive window. The boom box scene is great, but
the movie's slower than frozen molasses. Every character is deeply sympathetic
and human and I tried really hard to like it, but there's just not much there.
Almost everything Cusack's character did and said with the father of his
girlfriend was head-smackingly annoying. It's supposed to be deep and romantic,
but it mostly comes off as arrogant or clueless. And there's a bunch of intelligent female
characters, which seems ahead of its time, until you realize all they're
talking about is their ex-boyfriends or how great Cusack's character is. Props
for adding emotional depth to teen dramas that was sorely missing from the
Porky's-shadowed 80s teen sex comedies. But it's a dull ride.
Ray
Donovan
Saw
the first four seasons on a Showtime preview week. (Gonna watch the next two
seasons ASAP when there's another preview!) Ray Donovan is a ruthless fixer in
L.A. who deals with celebrities and execs who make big, big mistakes and he's
constantly in over his head with everything. It's a grabber. One sticky,
twisty, punchy dramatic situation after another. Screws tighten on every
character in every scene. Extremely naughty stuff, but also extremely
compelling. Not a phone-checkable moment in sight.
Man
Who Killed Don Quixote
Director Terry Gilliam spent 30 years trying to get this made. 30. Years. There's even a documentary about his last attempt to make it with Johnny Depp as the lead, the 2002 Lost in La Mancha. This man is nothing if not persistent. And he did it! And it came to theaters for one screening on one night in a few theaters nationwide. That's a mighty small payoff for 30 years of effort, but I was there! It defies criticism, as it's an intensely personal work of art, every frame feels like exactly what Gilliam wanted to say. So even if it drags with its two+ hour running time, it's a miracle that it exists. Jonathan Pryce is perfect as Don Quixote, as well.
The Domestics
Wild
in the Streets
This
wild-and-crazy 1968 film was a revolutionary battle cry for youth culture at
the time. It's pretty bloody silly now. Basically a story of a young musical
rebel who rises to political power by "telling it like it is, man."
Their campaign position: let people run for elected office at the age of 14,
mandatory retirement at 30, and round up and send anyone over 35 into
re-education camps. Groovy, baby! The editing was probably lightning-quick for
the time, and it still mostly flows well enough, but the musical numbers are
interminable. Hal Holbrook and Richard Pryor are terrific. Worth your time as a
cultural artifact, that's about it. Regarding the final scene, where (SPOILER!)
kids decide to do away with anyone over the age of 10...I wonder if Stephen
King had that in mind when he wrote "Children of the Corn."
Pet
Sematary (2019)
This one made everyone go insane. I liked it okay. A bit blah to look at, with the washed-out color palette. It's also kinda cold, overall. Hard to connect with the characters. It's a solid B movie from A+ source material. King's book is mega-merciless. And the original 1989 film scarred me for life, having seen it at the right age at the right time. This one was just a decent-enough two hours of movie. Points for flipping the third act from the book, and the super-brutal ending. That's something impressive; taking Stephen King's darkest, meanest book...and making it darker and meaner.
Kidding
Jim Carrey plays a Mr. Rogers-esque kids' show host on the verge of a nervous breakdown after losing a child and getting divorced. Every character is deeply complex and flawed and it never goes for the easy laugh. Just makes you feel off. Which is what it wants. So it works.
Beyond
the Door III
The original Beyond the Door was a lame-o cheapie Exorcist-ripoff possession potboiler. Then a few years later, that film's producer got the rights to Mario Bava's okay thriller Shock and released it as Beyond the Door II (It had doors, as well as things beyond them, in fairness). Fast-forward a decade and the producer made a really weird Euro-trashy film about a forest cult and a supernatural train called Amok Train (No false advertising there: the train goes amok, leaping off the tracks and attacking people in a swamp in one scene). But then he decided to randomly release it as Beyond the Door III instead. I have to call shenanigans on this, as most of the movie takes place outdoors, or in train cars. There are almost no doors, or things beyond them.
King
Arthur (2004)
I was working at a movie theater when this one came out and nothing about it grabbed me so I skipped it. But then the other day I got mildly curious to see how it compares to the delightfully insane 2017 King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, about which I could wax poetic for hours. The 2017 romp is an ingenious work of cinematic glory, where director Guy Ritchie took a 3.5 hour movie and cut it down to two hours just to make it more awesome. There are giant elephants and monsters all over the place. The soundtrack music is the most awesome thing ever and makes me want to go into berserker medieval combat mode. It jumps all over the place and avoids making sense whenever possible. Sheesh, I shoulda just made this a review of the 2017 King Arthur instead. Because I have almost nothing to say about the 2004 one. I remember it was released as PG-13 when I was at the theater and the DVD is "Unrated." Sure enough, it's pretty darned gory and I'm sure all the gore was cut to get a PG-13. But aside from that, there's not much of interest. It's shot well enough. Looks like an average episode of Game of Thrones. Much like Crying Freeman getting leapfrogged by Into the Badlands, this is a movie that might have been cool at one point but now there's infinite superior similar content. Nothing about it merits archival or revisiting. The 2017 King Arthur, though? Now there's a bonkers-pants movie well worth your attention. Did I mention that already?
Monsters and Men
A shockingly thoughtful and heartfelt film released by...MoviePass. A reminder of the harsh reality many U.S. citizens face every day, living in what is basically occupied territory where your life can be taken at a whim with no consequences for the killer. A much better MoviePass film than Gotti.
I was working at a movie theater when this one came out and nothing about it grabbed me so I skipped it. But then the other day I got mildly curious to see how it compares to the delightfully insane 2017 King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, about which I could wax poetic for hours. The 2017 romp is an ingenious work of cinematic glory, where director Guy Ritchie took a 3.5 hour movie and cut it down to two hours just to make it more awesome. There are giant elephants and monsters all over the place. The soundtrack music is the most awesome thing ever and makes me want to go into berserker medieval combat mode. It jumps all over the place and avoids making sense whenever possible. Sheesh, I shoulda just made this a review of the 2017 King Arthur instead. Because I have almost nothing to say about the 2004 one. I remember it was released as PG-13 when I was at the theater and the DVD is "Unrated." Sure enough, it's pretty darned gory and I'm sure all the gore was cut to get a PG-13. But aside from that, there's not much of interest. It's shot well enough. Looks like an average episode of Game of Thrones. Much like Crying Freeman getting leapfrogged by Into the Badlands, this is a movie that might have been cool at one point but now there's infinite superior similar content. Nothing about it merits archival or revisiting. The 2017 King Arthur, though? Now there's a bonkers-pants movie well worth your attention. Did I mention that already?
Monsters and Men
A shockingly thoughtful and heartfelt film released by...MoviePass. A reminder of the harsh reality many U.S. citizens face every day, living in what is basically occupied territory where your life can be taken at a whim with no consequences for the killer. A much better MoviePass film than Gotti.
Killing
Eve
Cool thriller series about a lady cop chasing down a lady assassin. Starts to feel stretched in the later episodes and I started losing track of why I was supposed to care about the secondary characters. But fun overall, and there are too few shows about homicidal females. Mary Kills People, that's another one. I liked that one better. Lifetime network, man. They make five billion ridiculous melodramas about cheating husbands and evil doctors played by Eric Roberts, but they also make Mary Kills People. So they're good by me.
Cool thriller series about a lady cop chasing down a lady assassin. Starts to feel stretched in the later episodes and I started losing track of why I was supposed to care about the secondary characters. But fun overall, and there are too few shows about homicidal females. Mary Kills People, that's another one. I liked that one better. Lifetime network, man. They make five billion ridiculous melodramas about cheating husbands and evil doctors played by Eric Roberts, but they also make Mary Kills People. So they're good by me.
Mike
Judge Presents Tales from the Tour Bus
Fun half-hour musical documentary series where the subjects are converted to animation. Great histories of country and funk superstars and almost-stars. Mike Judge's deadpan tone is a winner and takes you along for the depraved rides amiably enough. Executive summary: all country and funk music stars were all doing drugs all the time.
The Oath
A movie for our times about a semi-mandatory governmental loyalty oath and how it divides a family and a nation. Lots of yelling and arguing and the main character is unlikeable, but his unlikeability is a plot point. It zigs and zags a whole lot--maybe too much--but it keeps you on your toes and isn't afraid to go there.
A movie for our times about a semi-mandatory governmental loyalty oath and how it divides a family and a nation. Lots of yelling and arguing and the main character is unlikeable, but his unlikeability is a plot point. It zigs and zags a whole lot--maybe too much--but it keeps you on your toes and isn't afraid to go there.
Messiah of Evil
Fast zombies weren't invented by Zach Snyder in his 2004 Dawn of the Dead remake, or by Danny Boyle in his 2003 28 Days Later. Most scholars cite their origin in 1985's Return of the Living Dead. There is academical debate on 1980's Nightmare City (a.k.a. City of the Walking Dead) as those sure look like fast zombies running around and chomping people. But the film's director, Umberto Lenzi, claims those are just people "infected" by radiation. You decide! George Romero also had something resembling fast zombies in his 1973 thriller The Crazies, but those were also just arguably "infected." (If you want to be a REAL stickler about it, you could point out that Romero himself invented fast zombies in his first undead film, Night of the Living Dead, since the first walker in there vigorously ran after a woman in her car.) Which brings us to Messiah of Evil. A trippy 1973 film about a seaside cult with a couple random scenes where women are chased by what certainly appear to be fast zombies, both in a Ralph's and in a movie theater. Is THIS truly the first "fast zombie" film? Maybe. Who knows!? (If I dedicated my intellect to more noble pursuits, I woulda cured cancer by now.)
-B.P. Kasik/Phony McFakename
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